Trust and self-worth after infidelity

[Bubbles24]

18mths ago, after suspecting something was not right, I discovered some messages on my husbands phone between him and a work college who had moved away. It was an emotional affair which he states had only just developed and that no sexualised behaviour (including sharing of photos) had occurred. He ended all contact with her and we worked on ‘us’. What had lead us to this point? Many things i.e. him not being home much, me being stubborn and trying to prove that we (we have three small children) didn’t need him anyway, minimal communication, lack of intimacy, etc. So after a lot of hard work, a lot of discussions and me seeing a psychologist, we are in a much better place. We have stayed together, worked through things and are on a much better path together. But I’m still struggling. Struggling to not go back down that tunnel in my head, reliving the time I found the messages, all the different scenarios of what could have happened that I don’t know about. I’m also really struggling to trust him with ‘us’. I don’t want to be broken like that again.

I have not told any friends or family what has happened for many reasons, but the main one being to protect both them and us from all the feelings that come with this situation. So I have been doing it all alone. And now I’m getting really tired. So I guess now I’m reaching out to an anonymous group who aren’t emotionally attached to my husband or I… does trust come back? Will I ever be calm again and really know that I’m enough?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Thankyou for being so honest with this post. I'm in awe that you admitted to some part in the demise of your close relationship (eg "stubborn"), thats pretty rare under the circumstances. 

I'd like to offer my opinion. I'm a male, 67yo and I worked with many men over my past working life.  With men at least there is temptation everywhere, ladies dress up with makeup at work etc and it is normal to look and admire and judge - attractive, good humour etc. I'm not justifying his emotional affair but it is likely the reason it started especially if home wasnt going well. 

You have been working on your marriage including seeing a psychologist- thats good news to read. However you are finding the trust isnt growing back and this is the purpose of your post. I admire that you havent told others about this either, thats good, they dont need to know.

"Does trust come back?"  I think it can but  there is a few things that can help it come back. Deep meaningful conversations is important as is changes to your lifestyle including workload, changes in jobs so there is no going away to work and so on all will help. But above all if you both pledge that you will be each others emotional soul mate then yes, trust will return for some. Some meaning there are some people that never forgive, my answer to that is- people arent perfect, we are all flawed individuals and make mistakes, in his case he felt he needed some emotional intimacy that was lacking at the time... as a positive you saved the day by discovering those messages and he would have known he did wrong. 

So the advice from me is- not to remind him he did wrong especially if during a heated argument. Develop some faith and give him that second chance. 

I worked with one fellow that found out his wife had an emotional affair. Like you they both worked on their marriage. He would regularly leave sticky notes in her lunchbox, the fridge, her car etc saying he loved her and was there to talk if he needed. Relationships need working on and that was his way of gaining trust back. However you do it, this one event IMO is not enough to mistrust him, it was a reminder to him what he could lose and a reminder to you how your husband is important.

Repost anytime

TonyWK