True light or gaslight? I don’t know anymore.

[Cris_B]

Hi everyone,

I recently gave birth via caesarean and received no spouse support for two months. He had five weeks off work but refused to help myself or the baby and played computer games to ‘escape’ me and his son. I was verbally scolded for not tidying up after myself, making it difficult for him to clean the house and for asking for help when I ‘didn’t need it’ or when he was busy playing games.

I had the baby blues and he yelled at me for crying and when I told him that I was going to speak to a counsellor about my moods, he told me that he didn’t believe in depression or counsellors and that I just needed to be grateful.

After two months he decided to become involved and then continued to accuse me of not including him. He asked me to text him my whereabouts at all times and demanded that I be home one weekend day when he came from work (always different hours that were communicated to me in real time) to spend alone time with his son. He monitored my presence with the house cameras and wanted me to invite him to every event / catch up that I had even if I didn’t want him there.

Now, as our child surpasses three months of age, he is acting normal again and gave me a ‘im sorry but I was feeling a lot of pressure’ speech. I told him that I felt exhausted by his behaviour and that I felt cheated on; the person I needed and trusted to meet my needs, abandoned me and our son when we were both at our most vulnerable.

He has acted like this once before, about four years ago, and I told him then that I would leave him if he spoke to me in this way. At the time he stopped.

I am heartbroken and seeing a counsellor to try and forgive and forget but to be honest, I don’t believe the way he treated me was acceptable and I can’t trust that he will be there for me in the future or that he won’t ‘turn’ when things get hard. He won’t seek help but told me that admitting he was wrong should be enough for me. 

Am I gaslighting myself? Being gaslighted? I just don’t know anymore.

[Croix]

Dear Cris_B~

Welcome here to the Forum. I think it is wise to get an outside view of things at times, once can be too close to a problem

I don't think gaslighting is something you need worry about, your spouse's behaviour goes far beyond that. It is selfish, unhelpful, controlling and is at these times the exact opposite of not only what you need but any sensible person would expect.

You are right, a partner is there for you and someone ready to be leaned on in difficult times, the same as you would do for them. Sadly in this situation not only has it not happened twice, but you have - quite understandably - no faith things will be different in the future.

He is also completely wrong in saying that his apology makes up for his behaviour. An apology by itself is a few easily spoken words - and that is all it is.

I think your plan to get counseling was an excellent idea, I hope you go ahead. You do need people on your  side, and gain comfort and perspective from them. I'd also like to ask if there is anyone in your life to give you support (both practical and emotional), a family member or friend perhaps?

Just having a young baby is hard enough and practical assistance a real boon (my partner had her mum as well as myself and it made a huge difference to her). Plus in your present circumstances talking things over can help, particularly if you are uncertain what to do.

I do hope you come back again, we care and are here for you

Croix

[odaat]

Hello Chris,

It’s a good beginning that you are able to bring this to this forum. 
It’s great that you are able to have a counsellor who I assume would be able to guide you on how to secure your self care and independence. The baby is very young and I totally understand the amount of extra efforts and changes in day to day life it brings. Me and my partner have a 3 year old boy and we recollect it created a lot of stressful situation. 

You are absolutely right and doesn’t sound like gaslighting the situation. I always use the analogue that we need oxygen before we can give others oxygen. So up until the baby is 3 years you deserve all what you think you deserve. So the immediate action is to find out if your husband is capable of giving you adequate support. If not, you have to find it from somewhere else. Dot.

Your husband doesn’t sound like considerate of the situation. It can be a combination of various reason and some of them might be valid. But he really needs to figure that out quickly and a fairly reasonable proposal from your side would be to bring his act together. 
An apology is a good start but he needs to own his side of the effort. After all the baby belongs to both parents. The apology needs to upgrade to amend where he is willing to demonstrate a way of life where he is considerate of the needs of the mum and baby.  If he is unable to accept it, then it’s time you seek the next step. 100% it isn’t gaslighting but accepting the fact that your husband isn’t willing to grow as a father.

In the beginning, I wasn’t perfect as a father either but I always asked my partner what can I do to lighten her burden and get her back to her normal self. She wanted to go outside, start working again, be with her friends, get back to shape and enjoy alone time as much as I wanted to. I didn’t get this attitude all by myself but I realised I needed support to grow as a father. As I loved her, I reached out for possible help via support groups and counselling and finally bought my act together. Your husband probably need to do something similar. But it all started with the acceptance that I wasn’t a good enough husband and father. That acceptance was the key. 
Hence I suggest you to ask him where he is at his journey of acceptance of the situation and if he is willing to be someone you would love to be by your side.