Tough time

[Brokengrl]

I've had a pretty rough 6 months.

I met a guy through a dating website. We immediately clicked, almost like we had known each other our whole lives. He's an educated man. Had separated from his wife several months prior to our meeting. He told me he had been unhappy in the marriage for a long time, sleeping in separate rooms for a number of years, tried councelling unsuccessfully, so he made the decision to separate, not what his wife wanted.

So we started dating. We had an excellent open relationship. Both of us have a history of depression. And we helped each other with that. I did have an insecurity, fearing he would go back to his wife, but he constantly reassured me that was never going to happen because he had been too unhappy with her for too long. He told me he loved me and never felt love like this before. I was apprehensive about telling him I loved him too because of my insecurity, but I did in fact love him, on a level I had never experienced.

We decided that for our relationship to move forward, it was time for him to be clear with his wife that he was moving on with someone. Well. After talking with her, he visited me and immediately broke up with me. He walked away from me. Blocked my phone number. Deleted Facebook. Blocked my emails. Completely disappeared from my life in the matter of an hour. To say I was completely blind sided was an understatement. And it broke my heart in a big way. ( to complicate matters his relationship with his wife did involve children). I have been left frustrated with no answers and no closure. I became depressed.

Shortly after this I unexpectedly lost a very close friend. And this exacerbated my depression. I do see a psych. But I struggle daily with sadness, it's almost all consuming. Functioning at work takes every ounce of energy I have.

I guess I would love some advice on how to let go of the man I love. My brain knows he is gone and the relationship is over, but every day my heart hopes he will come back. I don't want to hope anymore. So if anyone could offer any advice on how to stop hoping, I would be forever grateful. I would love to feel some relief from the sadness, just for one day.

[Jugglin_Strugglin]

It helps so much to vent. We all do it here, it is a safe place, and a big plus is the feedback. It is healthy and helps to put everything into perspective.

I had absolutely no contact with ex either. It definitely hurt after 13yrs. I felt like I'd wasted all that time. In hindsight, it is probably easier to make a clean break. It is still incredibly hard but I think it would be even harder to have repeated contact. It would be like taking 3 steps back. Our minds do all the imagining of what they are doing, but in a way it is better than knowing the reality. It would hurt to know if he was happy, and maybe it would hurt more to know if he wasn't. I'll let you think of your reactions to both scenarios- I'm know you've thought of 100s but actually knowing would make you imagine another whole heap of scenarios.

It is better to make a clean break. The grieving will be over sooner that way. Then you can move forward and live. Your heart will be open and ready for when the right person walks into your life. You have a lot to look forward to. It's gonna happen. As they say, probably when you least expect it.

A day at a time atm. I hope today was better for you.

Lee x

[Brokengrl]

I just need to vent here. My psychologist generally doesn't let me talk about my relationship break down, they often reply with " guess you'll never know " and change topic.

I just feel really confused today. For someone who told me his relationship was so broken ( of course this is only his version of the story) I don't understand how his marriage was magically fixed over night just because he told her he was moving on. She literally moved back in home the very next day after he broke up with me.

I have so many questions. Like. How can a couple make a relationship work if one party is inlove with someone else? I guess it's difficult for me to understand because I've never been married. I guess at the end of the day their relationship is none of my business. It's just so hard to go from a relationship where we were so inlove to being non existent in one day.

I'll admit for so long I thought after a few weeks he would calm down and come crawling back. But now that he hasn't, I feel shocked.

I have these moments of terrible anxiety relating to this, yesterday I really struggled with anxiety all day in relation to this. One friend told me, maybe he never really loved me, he just loved the idea of the life we could have had.

I think I just keep feeling surprised that their relationship has lasted and he never came crawling back. I don't understand how they fixed everything from years of being broken.

[themadchatter]

Hello Broken Girl, how are you doing this evening?

I read your initial paragraph and was surprised that our stories are remarkably similar. I met a female online however not on a dating site but on Facebook, she had been previously married but had seperated from her ex husband. I won't go into all the details, but I will say I have been where you are feeling left behind and she has commenced a new relationship with someone else and left me feeling like I was nothing but garbage to be tossed aside.

The emotions you have experienced as a result of this ordeal are natural. Loneliness, depression, resentment. The desire to find out why he did this to you is understandable. And the feeling that you will probably never get closure does sting most of all but all I can say as time goes on you will think of him less and less as I have with my own situation.

Just ask yourself will dwelling on the grief this caused you enrich your life, I will say it won't. It will only rob you of what little joy and happiness is inside you.

If you ever need any advice, don't hesitate to seek it. I'd be more than happy to help

themadchatter

[Brokengrl]

I had a massive panic attack today. I was scrolling through social media, and a picture came up of the ex, apparently he knows someone I also know. I don't know there was a mutual connection. Seeing the photo sent me into a spin. He looked really happy and healthy. For so long I was assuming he must be miserable. But seeing he's not really cut deep. I wasn't expecting to have such a strong reaction either. Since seeing the photo, I just keep crying. I don't want to still love him, but I really do. It feels rediculous that my heart won't accept what my mind knows. I feel so broken. And I feel tired from the grief and sadness. The pain becomes unbearable. It's so hard.

I had my heart broken once, and always said I would be so much more careful. But I had my heart broken a second time even when I thought I was being so careful. I feel like I'm cursed to never be happy.

[themadchatter]

To Broken Girl

Truly sorry to see you suffered a panic attack today. It was really unfair for him to do what he did and in the way he did it. I can understand those feelings you felt today of seeing someone you used to like now seeming to be happier. The hurt does run deep but just know someone, somewhere out there will mend the pieces of your heart that have been broken. You will find happiness again I assure you

themadchatter

[Brokengrl]

So a bit of an update.

After being very emotional the other day. I got my first email from him in 4 months. He asked what I wanted from him. After giving this some thought I decided this was probably my only opportunity to explain how I feel. So I decided to write him a letter, in summary explaining the hurt I felt and that it was hard that he walked away without giving me any answers. At the end the thing I told him I wanted 2 things from him. For him to just acknowledge that I was hurt. And to tell me he will never come back to me. These are both things he never told me. And I really feel that if he does this, I will have the closure I need to move on. I explained that to him. In return I will leave him alone, he will never see or hear from me ever again.

I appreciate that he has probably shared the letter with his wife, as he is probably trying to be honest with her. I don't think my requests are unreasonable. It results in them being free of the reminder of me for ever, which is a good thing for them.

How ever. He has not replied. I know he would have received and read the letter. I feel disappointed that he won't give me the closure I need. I don't see why he won't, he gets what he wants, he stays with his family, with no interference from me. So I don't understand why he won't do this one simple thing.

The good news is, I'm actually feeling much better about the end of the relationship, after my emotional day I had the other day, it was like a release, all the pent up emotion and grief was released, and in myself I feel ready to accept, let go and move on. So I feel good about that. I have felt better over the last few days than I have in months. Maybe I needed to have that emotional breakdown in order for me to move on.

[Brokengrl]

I'm feeling a bit frustrated.

So the ex replied to an email asking what I wanted from him. I replied and said I wanted him to acknowledge how much he hurt me, and give me closure by telling me he will never come back to me.

I don't feel like these are unrealistic requests. It works out well for his relationship with his wife because it means he will be free of me. I gave him my word I would never contact him again if he could give me what I asked.

I know he got the email. But he has not replied. And I really don't understand why he wouldn't. Surely his wife would be happy for him to tell me he will never return, it benefits her if I no longer have contact with him. So I'm completely baffled why he won't reply?

I know I can find closure on my own with time without his reply. But his response would really help me.

Can anyone think of a reason he may not reply? Am I being unreasonable?

[Brokengrl]

I'm feeling so lonely. Every one says it's okay. Because everything will get better in time. And I really thought I'd had my share and things couldn't get worse for me. However.

I've had to end a friendship with a close friend because it became toxic for me. There was a a lot of criticism of me from this person. I don't mind constructive criticism, but the way it was being done was really quite hurtful. With my current depression, this was not helping me.

Next, I've had a very close friend walk away from our friendship because they feel my depression is too much for them to handle. I have relied so much on this person for over 12 years, they have been an integral part of my life.

Because of my anxiety and depression, I do not have many friends at all, I don't let people get close out of a fear of hurting me. With the loss of these two people. I am left with family, and my best friend as the only people in my life.

I feel exhausted and defeated. Just when I think things can't get worse for me, something else happens to knock me down. How much is a person supposed to take? At this rate. I will have absolutely nothing left at the end of the year. Is there some kind of force out there trying to completely break me?

[White_Rose]

Hello Brokengrl

I appreciate your disappointment that you did not receive an answer from the ex. I suspect he is treading a fine line here and being unsure what to do. I think you can safely say he will not return, whatever his motives for leaving. It's a natural desire to want to know where you stand in any kind of relationship. Usually we have an instinctive knowledge about friends and family but BF can be different. We invest so much of ourselves in that relationship that it seems we need the other people to sever the bond. In this case I think you have received as much as he will give and will need to make the final break yourself.

This is always hard. It can be so final, if painful, to hear someone say "It's all over, goodbye" but it is easier to accept. This man cannot do this it seems. Maybe he wants you to make the final statement although you have said you will not contact him again. Whatever his thoughts and feelings I think it is now time for you to make the final break. He cannot or will not do this and you are left in limbo a little. Getting out must be under your own steam.

So, how to do this. You have used the opportunity to tell him how you feel and this can be satisfying to know you have had your say. Blocking his emails will not appear to make much difference because he is unlikely to write again. It is a symbolic gesture and part of the letting go. Do the same with your phone. It is you making the decision regardless of whether he tries or wants to contact you again. You are in charge. And this is a good feeling. Make sure you do not go to places he is likely to go. He will probably not be socialising as much now that he has resumed his family commitments.

You have lost two good friends and this is sad. Friend one became a toxic relationship. In the long run it is better not to have much to do with people who can only feel good about themselves by putting others down. Yes you enjoyed this person's company but it was at a price. Close that door firmly, blocking access to you if necessary.

Friend two is a different matter. She has been a great support for you. Do you think it has been a two-way street or has the support been one-way, to you only. I have a friend who relies on me for support and at times it is hard because I am not always in the best place. So if she phones when I am really down I tell her I am unable to talk because I am not managing. Sometimes we will have a general conversation, other times we ring off.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Sorry about the abrupt ending. I ran out of word allowance.

My friend knows there are times I cannot talk. I tend not to rely on her for support much because I feel she cannot provide this, a comment she has made in the past. She will phone me to say she cares even if she does not have the words to say and this is OK. I feel good about this.

Twelve years is a long time to be a supporter. It places a huge strain on the other person especially when they are feeling a bit down. Do you have a counsellor or psychologist to talk to? I think this would be helpful for you and relieve the pressure on your friends. Professional mental health workers know how to manage these sorts of relationships.

I think I sound a little as though I am telling you off. Please don't take it this way. If you and your friend can get together again it would be healthy if you talked about the level of support she can offer you and you can agree that when she cannot do this she can say so. I suggest you open up a little to other people. I find this very difficult and at times feel I am being a nuisance to others. Maybe I am but I rely on them to say so and I try to learn self-management processes. This is where a counsellor would be very helpful.

Just when we think it's safe to get into the water again we see another shark. So annoying. Maybe you can find another beach and bit of ocean to swim in. Motivation is a crafty beast. We believe we must be motivated before we can do anything. Actually need to start doing something to kick-start the motivation and that's hard. So focus on doing one thing however small and enjoy your success. Then add something else and enjoy that success.

It's easy to say every time you think of the ex, change your thinking, but it's not easy. You need to set up a list of diversions and immediately go to one of them when the ex pops into your mind. It takes practice so don't get upset when it doesn't work straight away. Keep going and it will get easier.

Now before I run out of words again I will say you have come this far, keep going. You will get there in the end. Let me know if my suggestions are helpful.

Mary