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Torn love i am both struggling & confused

Community Member

Hi there i am needing to chat to others who have been through simular.

I am married to man (K) I have been with for 15 years have 2 kids but for that whole 15 years i crave my ex boyfriend (B).

Please bare with me on this. My mind is so tired.

I was previously married 2000-2002 to a emotionally abusice man who was also a drug addict. During this marriage i had an affair with B for a year. The affair was just not only sexual but we shared everything in common, never fought and 100% loved each other. However i could not bring enough courage to leave husband. By the time I did it was too late and B ran internationally as he was hurt and did not know where he stood in my life. In other words i broke him 😞

Now single end 2002 i met now husband K and now have 2 kids. K HAS had porn and sex addictions which led to some issues in our marriage of ill trust. Especially came to head in Sept just gone.

I felt unloved and them up popped B on social media. I sent a wave to say hello. This lead to us chatting a bit. During these chats we both comfessed that we still desired our relationship back even to both of us stating we loved each other and he wanted to move from brisbane to Melbourne to be with me.

Things came to a head 2 weeks ago i told husband i was unhappy and torn between them both. He begged me to go to marriage counciling to work on problems to save our marriage. Unfortunately given time of year counciler on holidays as is my physc.

I have had a complete meltdown and cannot stop crying. Spoke to B and he has said that until I am single that we are to leave things he does not want to be in competition with K for me. So he told me this morning not to contact him until single and ready to commit to him. No contact at all.

i feel sick i have broken B again and also K. I cannot understand why i cannot either move on from B or move on from K.

has anyone else been in a similar situation ? I cannot see light at end of tunnel at moment and feel lost.

Again sorry if this doesn't all male sense i am exhausted mentally and emotionally.

6 Replies 6

Community Member

Hey Maz80,

I posted a couple of days ago ‘stuck in the middle’ I feel like I’m in a similar position. Admittedly there are not previous addiction or psyc issues and I in no way way to ignore or trivialise them, but I can certainly relate to being torn.

im currently in a loving relationship but have fallen madly in love with a co-worker. We have some much in common and I can stop thinking about her. I’m doing things I never thought I was capable of just to see or talk to her. I’m not the person I want to be at the moment. I’m hurting both of them and myself. I was the one that said we had to stop until I sorted out my marriage. But this has lead to axiety attacks and a permanent uneasy feeling. The anxiety around this situation is incredibly intense. I think I’m going to try and seek out some professional help as I am pretty lost with it.

Unfortunately I am also searching for my own answers, but just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and I think and hope we’ll both be alright whatever happens!

All the best!

Community Member

Thanks Brenan nive to know i am not alone and others are going through this. My mind and heart just feel like in a constant battle.

Trying to sort out another counciler today to try and get help quicker so i can answer these questions in my head.

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Maz80~

It would be great if life was nice and tidy, sadly it rarely is. Looking in from the outside in you have a less than perfect husband who nevertheless values your relationship and wants it to be repaired. You have two children in this marriage and of course have to consider them. K does not sound broken, he may be hurt but sounds as if he is trying to sort things out.

You also have B who was a sort of rescue when you had that abusive marriage. He does not sound broken either, just understandably practical about the whole matter.

Many people are in a situation where their affections are split between two or more. A common one is remarrying with existing children, then there can be uncomfortable times sorting that one out, new partner vs one's kids - which may not be possible.

I'd guess at the moment your regard for K is diminished by last September. Perhaps if you become happy with the outcome there you might see him more favorably.

In some ways circumstances is helping make you mind up. If you do nothing you stay as you are, and to join B you have to go through a separation with no guarantee he will be there, plus of course you may find in a permanent relationship he is different to what he was in an affair.

I hope you can get to your councilor quicker and get the chance to talk it over, it can help.


Community Member

Thanks for that Croix i have been lucky this morning and booked onto clinical phsyc this Monday thank goodness.

Yes K is trying very hard to work on things we are both struggling to find an urgent appointment with marriage counciler that is bulk billed or low fee as we are a low income health care card family.

B totally wants nothing to do with me unless I am single and finished with K. So that communication is cut and I feel broken.

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Maz80, I am glad you are getting some help individually for yourself as well as the mariage counselling. What struck me about your post was that you first had a relationship with an emotionally abusive drug addict, and then followed that up with a current marriage to a man with sex and porn addiction problems. In the middle is another man who you have idealised as perfect, but are not with.

There are a number of questions it would be worth exploring in therapy that could impact on your future happiness, including why you are choosing men to be with who are incapable of committing to you in a healthy relationship. You chose to marry K even though you were still in love with B. Is it because deep down you feel you don't deserve better?

Community Member

Hey Jess F

I was totally unaware of K' s sex / porn problems these just seemed to get worse as our relationship went on.

I definatley feel like I deserve happiness but as to who i would be happy with is what causes me most anxiety.

B fled to another place away from me as i did not leave the first marriage and he was confused and hurt by why i didn't. If he was still around i would have pursued that relationship for sure.

i will definatley be asking those and more questions in my upcoming session on Monday.

unfortunately we are still trying to find someone to help asap for marriage counciling as we are low income health care card family and all bulk bill or low cost places are 4-6 week wait.

I am hoping i can hold off for couple counciling as i do think I owe K a chance to work on marriage. But the longer this takes the more i find myself wanting to end and go to B.