They just wont understand, why?

[white knight]

We hear those words often. The trouble is, there is a word in that sentence that doesn’t
fit, it shouldn’t be there. It’s the word “wont”

“Wont” means they have a choice to understand your emotional struggles. It should, in many
cases, be replaced with “don’t” or "cant"

For these people are the people we love and they love us. Would they, make the choice of not understanding? Understanding…what does that entail? Do we expect our partners, children, friends and parents to understand what its like to have our minds as if it’s in a cloud? Or throbbing like a migraine? Or whysome of us sleep for what seems endless hours?  What about when our carer partner has been so long without
love making and their frustration explodes and we chant “you just don’t understand”!!!

I put it to you, that it is us also that doesn’t understand what its like to be a partner of a mentally ill person. In respect to this an article I wrote a long time ago now can be googled- “Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue” In that thread I mentioned that if you can walk to the toilet, answer the phone and get yourself something to eat during the day while your partner is at work….you can also greet him/her as they walk in the door, have a cuppa and a chat asking how their day went before you slip back into bed if you must.

Some cant, understandably. But some wont! A choice (note the word “wont”) is made. In
these cases they are hurting the ones they love.

I’m lucky, my wife has depression, it comes and goes. We never say “you wont understand”. We both do understand. However my last partner and before her, my first wife, never understood my struggles. Those days I believed that they chose to not understand. I was wrong. They had little hope of understanding. Why?

Simply  because the other person doesn’t “feel” the effects of the illness. And there might also be the blaming effect to, to blame others through our own expectations of what we are pleading for.

Whatever sooths you and comforts you from your partner – tell them what that is. Think about your needs whether is a daily hug, a hand on the shoulder or an ear with the occasional comment or question. For your partner or loved one likely has no concept of what they can do to help. And that in itself can be agonising.

We should never get the feeling or not being loved mixed up with a lack of ability to help us. It’s not
that they wont understand-its more likely they cant understand so they don’t.

Tony WK

[Guest909]

Hi sleepy

"To be honest, if you've ever witnessed that shapeshift - it is truly terrifying and disorienting."

I know exactly what you mean. The transition from "covert" to "malignant" can be fast and brutal. I know it put me into a tailspin for many months.

"Narcissists are very easy to spot" the lady said to me".

A few years ago, I would have said the same. Through experience, I now know better.

Cheers

[Guest_1643]

Hi Paul - i'm still reeling from uncovering a narcissistic MH professional - I was horrified when I learnt. Id say it took me 9 months to recover... so yes it is horrifying.
I find having the knowledge of the red flags to look for is quite empowering. Similarly, I wouldve thought it was easy to spot but now I would never say such a thing.

There was this woman Elizabeth Holmes who conned half of America into believing she had a new and progressive way to address healig through taking just one drop of a persons blood... She was visited by a top fraud expert who saw no issues with her system.
Sometimes it takes a journalist or researcher who is detached from the "con" to uncover - when they are a major scale. But regular, good, and innocent people can easily be caught up by a narcissist.

[Guest909]

Hi Sleepy

I can get some degree of closure through understanding and knowledge of the NPD condition. That being said, the betrayal of trust is something that will linger on for the rest of my days.

We live and we learn. If we linger in the past, there can be no future. Well, that is what I tell myself; I think it helps.

Just as a side note, I've signed up to do some adult psychology classes (grades 11/12) next year. It should be interesting.

[white knight]

Allowing our minds to churn over the past is indeed self destructive.

Google

Beyondblue topic do you cry over spilt milk?

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tony and Paul - u are absolutely right about it being unhelpful.
i've been stuck in repeat re negative and abusive events (and then having a useless Narc therapist) for nearly a year. It was very obsessive thinking and I couldn't stop. I'd replay the events every day and blame myself, others, the world.
No one could understand my obsession with the past. I guess it was an obsession with being wronged and unjustly abused. To move forward I've had to feel the pain, cry lots of tears (often in the shower to release extra endorphins), reach out to helplines and mental health professionals.
There is a concept of Post-Traumatic Growth - healing and growth after PTSD and trauma.
That whole concept offended me but only now can I feel it as tangible - but only just. Maybe I can get through it and maybe the future is worth taking.

[Guest909]

G'day Sleepy

I'm not sure if this will help, but the idea is not to forget the past, but rather, make "peace" with it.

That was a little something I found in a self-help book. To me, that book was more helpful than the phycologist I was seeing at the time.

Cheers

[white knight]

Hi all,

My mother I suspect has BPD. In denial I'll never know for sure but thats ok. I've been estranged from her for 9 years.

She would never let go of the past.

She had a brother (dec) and when teenagers my mother believed he was "given" a next door farm by his father. My mother and father when married moved into a rental house her father owned and paid rent, with all payments in a rent book.

My grandparents eventually passed on.she still kept the rent book that was now 35 years old and she contested her fathers will that left all to his son. In court thats where the truth emerged.

See, her brother actually worked hard on his fathers farm to pay for a deposit for the neighbouring farm. Not one cent was given to him. That rent book was mainly evidence for her over decades to prove she paid her father rent, not unusual.

But I have to say that dwelling on the past was handed down from her to us kids. It peaked with me in 1987 when caught up in a minor corruption battle where I worked. The local Govt of which I worked favoured a local state politician and I fought against it. I refused to treat him differently. So I had to learn that this sort of corruption is part of human life and there is a degree by which you fight it, before your health an d family suffer. I couldnt let it go and it was the beginning of my severe anxiety, a challenge I ended up defeating thank goodness.

For me, quotes tended to be the most influential in my progress. eg from my therapist

"there are 8 billion people on this planet Tony, all have various shades of grey...why do you think black and white is the way to go"?

"Standing by your values is fine, but if your employer doesnt have the same values why would you continue to work for him/her...is it because you feel you will lose"?

And so on.

How could anyone that doesnt dwell on the past or a recent annoying event understand someone that does? I should imagine the people that dont dwell would find a "dweller" quite annoying, digging up the past all the time.

A friend once told me "you know Tony, you keep talking about your dispute with your employer, all the while other people are hitting a golf ball around, laughing, joking....then when they arrive home they talk about how they nearly got a hole in one....not the distant past"

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

Hi Paul - that is a good goal to make peace with it. My social worker at hopsital used to tell me u don't have to like it, but you can accept it. He then gave really awesome personal examples. He had an injury which upset him all his life and he was upset about how it had been caused etc... He said he could never like it, but he can accept it. I liked very much the way he used personal examples like that, to highlight how I could also move on, without ever ever crossing the line or giving any detailed inf about his life, he sometimes used specific instances to show that he could relate in some way to me and to normalise my experience. He was an awesome MH professional.

Hi Tony

thanks for sharing - i've also lost a few fights trying to right wrongs etc... It is hard to witness injustice. I think my Gp is getting sick of me dwelling on the past but it links to my suicidal thoughts, I feel that the abuse I suffered and how it was allowed by others is part of why I may not be able to continue to live

[Guest909]

Hi Sleepy

You last post is a bit of a worry; is everything OK with you. My apologies if I've misinterpreted your last sentence.

Paul

[Guest_1643]

Hi Paul - no worries to ask. I have been feeling extremely suicidal over the past 5 days and it's been upsetting me a lot.