They just wont understand, why?

[white knight]

We hear those words often. The trouble is, there is a word in that sentence that doesn’t
fit, it shouldn’t be there. It’s the word “wont”

“Wont” means they have a choice to understand your emotional struggles. It should, in many
cases, be replaced with “don’t” or "cant"

For these people are the people we love and they love us. Would they, make the choice of not understanding? Understanding…what does that entail? Do we expect our partners, children, friends and parents to understand what its like to have our minds as if it’s in a cloud? Or throbbing like a migraine? Or whysome of us sleep for what seems endless hours?  What about when our carer partner has been so long without
love making and their frustration explodes and we chant “you just don’t understand”!!!

I put it to you, that it is us also that doesn’t understand what its like to be a partner of a mentally ill person. In respect to this an article I wrote a long time ago now can be googled- “Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue” In that thread I mentioned that if you can walk to the toilet, answer the phone and get yourself something to eat during the day while your partner is at work….you can also greet him/her as they walk in the door, have a cuppa and a chat asking how their day went before you slip back into bed if you must.

Some cant, understandably. But some wont! A choice (note the word “wont”) is made. In
these cases they are hurting the ones they love.

I’m lucky, my wife has depression, it comes and goes. We never say “you wont understand”. We both do understand. However my last partner and before her, my first wife, never understood my struggles. Those days I believed that they chose to not understand. I was wrong. They had little hope of understanding. Why?

Simply  because the other person doesn’t “feel” the effects of the illness. And there might also be the blaming effect to, to blame others through our own expectations of what we are pleading for.

Whatever sooths you and comforts you from your partner – tell them what that is. Think about your needs whether is a daily hug, a hand on the shoulder or an ear with the occasional comment or question. For your partner or loved one likely has no concept of what they can do to help. And that in itself can be agonising.

We should never get the feeling or not being loved mixed up with a lack of ability to help us. It’s not
that they wont understand-its more likely they cant understand so they don’t.

Tony WK

[white knight]

Hi Sleepy

Your last sentence was very sad.

Human input in my life has been my most biggest challenge. Not only injustice but nastiness, manipulation, greed and the list goes on.

So, I came up with what I believed was my deficiencies. Lack of street wisdom in short was my issue. I would trust everyone. I had a great father so I believed all men were the same. I wrote a manuscript once on that called "grey hair and smiling faces". It was how I saw distinguished old men that I believed, were honourable men, how naive.

So for that reason I wrote the following threads use search bar

Fortress of survival
Fortress of survival part 2
Fortress of survival part 3
Fortress of survival workplace

Hopefully we can chat about those if you feel able.

Ps I'm not concerned about going off topic with the thread. This topic is interesting.

TonyWK

[Sophie_M]

Hey Sleepy, 

Thanks for opening up and keeping your friends on the forums updated on how you've been going. We're really sorry to hear that you've been having such a difficult few days, and can hear that these feelings must be so tough to cope with. We hope you don't mind, but we just wanted to let you know that we are also reaching out to you privately with some extra support.

We hope that you always feel welcome to reach out to the kind counsellors at our Support Service (1300 22 4636), as well as our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), as often as you need during overwhelming times like these. We're all here for you, Sleepy.

[Guest909]

Mate, that is the last thing I wanted to hear.

Please talk to one of the counsellors that Sophie_M suggested. The help is there, if you want it.

If you're up to it, stay in touch and let us know how you are going; you have friends here.

Cheers

Paul

[Guest_1643]

Hi Paul and Tony thanks for caring

Tony I'm glad you're enjoying this thread and I hope it is helpful to others as well, a lot of ppl on the forums have struggles being heard and open re mental health struggles

I did try but I didn't get much help tonight. I will try until I get help.
I feel scared and upset, I was just asked a million times if I was safe and what I was going to do next. I said i was going to go for a far. It's 10:07pm and I'm not going for a run. I guess I was testing if she was even listening. She said she hoped I enjoy my run. The call went for less than 2 minutes. I might try again.

[Guest_1643]

go for a run*

sorry that post didn't make much sense and i'm scared of oversharing due to how i'm feeling. I haven't yet found a safe space to speak about these feelings and am scared it doesn't exist. I'm so scared. Thanks for listening.

[Guest909]

Did you have any luck with lifeline or the suicide line?

Talk to any professional that will listen - you have nothing to loose and everything to gain.

I know of some people that will run at any time of the night. They are probable all insomniacs.

Time for this old boy to hit the sack.

Paul

[smallwolf]

It seems the last few days have been really hard on you 😞

Perhaps worse if you feel there is not a safe place for you to speak. I am also unsure where the boundaries are in terms of sharing here, and secondly what you might be looking or in that safe space.

Now I will be honest (not that I am ever not here) and will tell of an experience of mine from a couple of years ago. So I had some very bad dreams over a few nights. I did not tell my wife about them. I did see my GP and talked about them and my psych found out within the hour as well. Anyways... I was talking to my mum about something and she wanted to know how I was going. All I said to here was the bad dreams line and she said she did not want to hear anymore because she would worry about me. So between all that, I was able to find the words without "oversharing" or going into too much detail. The other side of it can be the people we talk to might not be equipped to hear the detail. There is only person that is not professional who I went into detail about the dreams who was able to understand, but he had been suicidal at one point also.

We are all concerned for you. You are part of this family here at beyond blue.

The other thing is that while you said that you are concerned about saying too much, you are also sharing here. In one way (as I spoke to my mum) the safe place can be here in a way.

Oh, and I read your story about accepting it from your social worker about accepting it. Being able to accept something can take time, or a (very) long time... That you are or might not be ready is normal for you. I get that. Just as I cannot rewire my brain to think happy thoughts. Time and patience. Get through each minute. And you will be here tomorrow just as I will be to chat again. That is my hope.

Peace and comforting thoughts to you

Tim

[white knight]

Thankypu so much Tim for your contribution.

Tim is right, you are a part if the BB family. I can only reach out and offer my care to you Sleepy. I care, all of us do.

We know that even as bad as your mind state is, you'll bounce back as the table turns. Have faith it will turn.

Sleepy, you are a beautiful soul. Take some deep breaths and allow this dark time to pass.
Your friend

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Sleepy21

I am sorry to read about how you are feeling.

You are so kind to me and others on the forum as you are so compassionate.

I have been following your post here even if I do not comment very much.

yes you are part of The BB family and there is and as Tony and Tim said we care for you.

I is tiring and frustrating to get the help you need.
I agree you have a beautiful soul.

Quirky

[Guest909]

G'day sleepy

Just checking in! Did you manage to get some sleep last night?

Cheers

Paul