They just wont understand, why?

[white knight]

We hear those words often. The trouble is, there is a word in that sentence that doesn’t
fit, it shouldn’t be there. It’s the word “wont”

“Wont” means they have a choice to understand your emotional struggles. It should, in many
cases, be replaced with “don’t” or "cant"

For these people are the people we love and they love us. Would they, make the choice of not understanding? Understanding…what does that entail? Do we expect our partners, children, friends and parents to understand what its like to have our minds as if it’s in a cloud? Or throbbing like a migraine? Or whysome of us sleep for what seems endless hours?  What about when our carer partner has been so long without
love making and their frustration explodes and we chant “you just don’t understand”!!!

I put it to you, that it is us also that doesn’t understand what its like to be a partner of a mentally ill person. In respect to this an article I wrote a long time ago now can be googled- “Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue” In that thread I mentioned that if you can walk to the toilet, answer the phone and get yourself something to eat during the day while your partner is at work….you can also greet him/her as they walk in the door, have a cuppa and a chat asking how their day went before you slip back into bed if you must.

Some cant, understandably. But some wont! A choice (note the word “wont”) is made. In
these cases they are hurting the ones they love.

I’m lucky, my wife has depression, it comes and goes. We never say “you wont understand”. We both do understand. However my last partner and before her, my first wife, never understood my struggles. Those days I believed that they chose to not understand. I was wrong. They had little hope of understanding. Why?

Simply  because the other person doesn’t “feel” the effects of the illness. And there might also be the blaming effect to, to blame others through our own expectations of what we are pleading for.

Whatever sooths you and comforts you from your partner – tell them what that is. Think about your needs whether is a daily hug, a hand on the shoulder or an ear with the occasional comment or question. For your partner or loved one likely has no concept of what they can do to help. And that in itself can be agonising.

We should never get the feeling or not being loved mixed up with a lack of ability to help us. It’s not
that they wont understand-its more likely they cant understand so they don’t.

Tony WK

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tony -

I'm trying to have fiaith although it is hard. I hope u are doing well and thanks for sending ur care

Hi Quirky - it is frustrating and jsut at that moment sometimes it gets hard to keep asking. I did call again and found it helpful. It's nice to know that people read and care and I appreciate you

Hi Mr. Paul - sadly I didn't get any sleep... I think I rested for a few hours tho. It was hard today to manage as I was working however it was a short shift and the people I worked with (it changes due to many casuals) were nice. I was a little scared of becoming dizzy and revealing how out-of-it I was but I think I just made it through

Work was a good distraction ... thanks for checking

[Guest909]

Hi Sleepy

I glad you had people around you today. A distraction was just what you needed; even if it was work.

Hopefully, you will sleep better tonight.

Cheers

[white knight]

Hi Sleepy

People are different but I always bounce back after a good meal and sleep.

I hope you bounce back also precious.

TonyWK

[Jstar49]

Hi all,

I've read up a little bit and I really like some of the thoughts on this thread. Sleepy my heart goes out to you. I'm no longer suicidal but when I was I couldn't see a way through. I hope that somehow, you can. And if you can't, just please wait until tomorrow. I know It's a terrible feeling to not want to live and to feel all alone- at one point in my life/ many points in my life- everywhere I looked I saw people having a good time. I had been told so many times that I was the problem , by my family- people who are s'posed to know and love you- and it was hard to believe anything different.

You said that something awful happened in your past and you are finding it hard to get past it, especially the people that allowed it to happen- is that correct?

Sleepy I'm so sorry that happened. I'm so sorry you weren't protected and loved in the way you deserved. It wasn't your fault.

As so many ppl have shared, There is ppl out there who through their own pain inflict pain on others. I have tried to love ppl through their 'fertiliser', and it's only when I let myself get angry about it that I can somewhat let it go.

I do like what you shared ecomama, about your brother, and I agree for some ppl it is a matter of being the bigger person, and caring about them and not expecting much back. Ecomama said:

"When we let these people "go" - even without NC but just to have zero expectations of ANYTHING from them - then we make room for the people who we DO want to have in our life. There may be an Autumn / Winter time in our lives before we see who these people are and / or even branch out further to our interest bases. But it happens and when it does, it's beautiful."

But if you're feeling like life is not living, then please challenge this thought, again, and again, and again, becos you're obviously a beautiful person and this world needs beautiful ppl like you.

So many who share here have gone through so much, and still are, and when I think of us out in the world, putting Christmas cards in letterboxes randomly, or smiling at a child who's just having a bad day, or helping an elderly person find the coffee, or their car, or having a cuppa with a very lonely somebody---- I think, well, most ppl won't do that, so it's up to us!!

I do my pelvic floor exercises to fall asleep. I guess it's a version of the muscle tense-release relaxation.

And these days I stay up late. Midnite works, if I try to go to bed earlier I usually wake up @ 3am- the 'wee sma' .

J*

[Jstar49]

Also.

Sleepy you said "I guess all they really wanted was affirmation, attention and control, which no one can give completely."

Yes, to the control. I think that is a major issue with so many dysfunctional personal relationships and disorders. I think of Domestic family violence, and definitely narcissistic ppl. And if it's not control of you, its control of someone close to you. Like with my sibling it's control of our parents, and how they see her. Typical scapegoating technique. It's very hurtful and I don't know why she feels like she needs to do it, but in the end I feel lucky that I've not become enmeshed in those ways of operating. I've found different ways, different people, and a way to live which feels real and genuine, and it's lovely to share that with other like minded people.

Beautiful ppl like you BB folk

Cheers,

J*

[Guest_1643]

Hey Jstar - ur very wise thank you. That is such an interesting point about how control can also be about controlling those around you. Thank you for showing me you support and understand

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tony - I feel a bit weird because I fell straight asleep. I thought I would wake up 24 hours later but I woke up at 9am.
So I guess I just got a normal night sleep. I had a lot of nightmares which was scary but I am still here!

[Guest_1643]

Thank you Paul

I did eat a meal today but had flashbacks and tension in the cafe where I was. I am very triggered a lot and find I get sensitive and upset easily. I feel like a minefield. I do feel better thanks after sleeping although it wasn't the best sleep I did get some rest.

[white knight]

Hi Sleepy, I'm relieved.

Now in a few months someone will be going through the exact same experience. You can tell them how you felt, what you did that helped etc. You are a valued person of this family.

And thats why I'm here. So glad you feel a little better.

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

Hi Tony

You helped me by being there, and made a difference for me.