The end of a relationship is always hard, but I have lost all hope.

Boo1986 · ‎06-12-2016

Hi everyone, I suffer from Depression and Anxiety, I take my medication and see my psychologist at least once a month. I try to eat right and exercise, and catch up with friends whenever I have the energy. I have my beautiful rescue dog to keep me company and encourage me to keep active. I really try to battle against this problem, but it seems the harder I try, the more it ends up hurting.

I recently put myself out there on a dating website and got to know some wonderful people. There was one I was particularly interested in and we started dating. Everything was going so well and I felt so happy for once. Yesterday he broke up with me. I am shattered. It took so much courage for me to sign up for online dating and to let him in.

I guess I just want to hear from others that there is hope, that love exists. I would really love to hear from people that have had positive experiences and can help me fight my demons. The depression tells me to give up, that it's not worth it, that it's better just to be alone than risk getting hurt. Usually I can try to control my thoughts and not let the depression take hold but I am really struggling right now. I'd really love some positive words to try to push back all the negatives in my mind. I just can't see the positives right now. Any help would really be appreciated.

Boo1986 · ‎27-03-2017

Thanks Paul,

I was really wondering if maybe I was being unreasonable, but now I feel I have acted in Holly's best interests and that is the right thing to do. I really feel that no-one can truly love me if they don't love her. She is very special to me. I have tried to explain to him what she means to me but I just don't think he gets it. I even mentioned to him that since he was talking about breaking up with me, isn't it obvious why I would prioritise her over him?

Her love is unconditional, I don't have any doubts about her, only doubts about him. She would not leave me, he would. Is it any wonder I trust animals more than people? If he were clever, he could see how much I value their companionship and understand why, and if he wants me to hold him in as high a regard as what I do my babies, he should act like they do... unconditional love and complete loyalty. But if Holly can offer me all that, and he can't, why should I put him before her? Because humans are supposedly a higher species? well, not to me...

Well that's my rant for the day I guess. I don't feel sad or anything, maybe just frustrated I guess. I see my psychologist tomorrow so if I need to get any more of my frustrations out luckily I have that outlet.

I don't think I should seek out any further relationships. Honestly I am really happy with just me and Holly. I don't really need anything else in my life and just feel that there is pressure to live a conventional life and get married etc but what for? Relationships are just causing me more drama than they are worth. I can't be bothered with it all...

Kazzaroo · ‎27-03-2017

Hi and Hugs Boo, Sara & Hi Paul J

Reading your post Boo I’m sensing strength on your part. I want to say sorry for this happening to you but with you saying you don’t feel upset makes it sound like maybe this wasn’t THE one? And if he meant a real lot to you your feelings would be a lot different to what they are at the moment. Your right though I have a feeling he will contact you again after he realise what he has lost and if he doesn’t I will be rather surprised. When
you think about it and this is just my opinion when a guy is with you in those early months isn’t it a bit like trying to impress? I know it shouldn’t be like that but maybe just putting a little more effort in and him not offering to pay for some of the meal? And the way he lost his cool with Holly? OMG what would he be like if he was years down the track when he doesn’t think he needs to make effort (even though effort needs to put in constantly)! And wow dogs do jump on people with no malice intended and for him to lose it like he did over
something like that??? I mean what if something happened really bad and will he overreact to small things all the time in the future? Hmmmm red flags there!! Pfffft at his main argument being you love Holly more than him? Well that’s rather immature comparing himself to your Holly! And my 2 dogs Bailey and Darcy (mini dachshunds) are my everything they are my babies and get so spoilt and why is that? Because they give us so much loyalty and love that it is given in return just like you with your Holly. No matter what happens and what you decide I know whatever decision you make will be the right one. You don’t need to go out and look for another man because that prince is going to find YOU!!!!! But don’t give up on love hunni bun you need to push aside the stones before you get to the diamond J xx

Sara don’t ever be sorry or apologise that you haven’t commented just as long as you are doing ok. I like
Boo just like to know you are doing ok and when you do get a chance to comment its always greatly appreciated and wise words xx

Xx Kazz xx

Spearmint · ‎27-03-2017

Hi Boo,

It's hard to understand any situation completely without knowing each
person's experience of the situation.
He may not be right for you, breaking up could be for the best if
you're not a good match for each other.

However, I want to offer another perspective. Lack of
communication & misunderstandings can ruin something that could
have been worth saving.
For instance, you are very protective of your dog. He would also be
fiercely protective of his children, even if they aren't in any
real danger of your dog.
You feel that he shouldn't treat your dog like that & his
perspective might be that his children are his world & you didn't
seem concerned over them. Even though he may care about your dog &
you may care about his children. You may both see behaviour in each
other that "appears" to be careless for something that is so precious to
you or him. So you both become defensive about it & see it as a red
flag for the relationship when it could just be a misunderstanding.

Secondly, he brings up an issue where he says you love your dog more than you
love him. In your post you say that you don't love him even though he
loves you.

He's probably hurt & isn't feeling you are connecting with him
on a deeper level that he wants or needs.
Now either you really don't love him & won't ever OR it could be
possible that out of your fear of getting hurt again that you haven't
allowed yourself to fully open your heart to him, keeping walls up to
protect yourself & keeping him at a safe distance.

You said he was drinking all day, if he does love you I bet he's
probably pretty cut up about it. He could be thinking “she doesn't love me or my children so
is this worth staying for?” “Will I only be more hurt later on?”
Maybe he's been hurt before too & is also scared.

I would have a very deep & real conversation with him, make sure you
really understand each other, then you can both decide if it's better
to part ways or keep going together. Relationships can be hard to
navigate. You can't read each others minds & you should
never assume anything.

Not only does communication matter but the quality of the communication.
When someone speaks, they may not be pinpointing what the
exact issue is. You think it sounds weird that he says, “You love
Holly more than him”, What he is really saying is that he feels
unloved. You may not be communicating in a way that he fully
understands either.
You want him to fight for you, he might want you to fight for him too.

Good luck.

Boo1986 · ‎28-03-2017

Dear Spearmint, by chance, are you a counsellor or psychologist by profession? That is some amazing advice right there... if you are not in the field, maybe you should be! 😃 I will take your advice and try to talk this through...

Kazzaroo · ‎28-03-2017

Hi Boo and great advice Spearmint 🙂 When something happens like this our defense mechanism wants to attack the negative its just something in us that does this!!! You can put your situation a bit like a blended family situation Boo.... he is papa bear and protective of his little bears and your mumma bear protective of her cub (Holly) this is just normal. Every relationship has red flags but its communicating and dealing with these that will make the relationship a success. Communication is the biggest factor and maybe he had built up frustration over something else and unfortunately he exploded in your company over something that didnt seem that big of a deal. Going back on your earlier posts when we chatted you were happy and it was a bit like (too good to be true?) So maybe think of those good times. I do think that you have that protective wall up and its easier to maybe just let it go and not work on things so you don't go through the pain. You did have more good times than bad. Maybe your protective wall up hasn't given him the feeling that you don't care as much as he would like you to. I think maybe you two should get together and have a really good chat and for you to open up about how you are protecting yourself from pain and Im sure he is doing the same. Misunderstandings can ruin something that could be wonderful and if after your chat you don't "feel" it and it doesnt seem right well at least then you know you gave it a chance. Its better to communicate and try and see if you can both work it out (if thats what you want) than to down the track say to yourself oh I wish I had tried. xx Kazz xx

Boo1986 · ‎29-03-2017

Well... he really showed his true colours last night. He was texting me all day saying he wanted to fix things, so I said we could talk it through after my psych appointment. We have a chat and he is making no sense, almost manic perhaps? He obviously has issues with his ex-wife and the break-down of their marriage, but he is claiming I am doing exactly what she did... says I am rubbing his face in things? When we were texting back and forth I had said that if he doesn't want his boys to see Holly that is ok with me, then he continued on and on about it, and I said I don't know why you are going on and on about it as I thought that matter was already dealt with as I said it is ok with me. He said he didn't see where I said that, so I screenshotted the message and sent it to him. Apparently that is me being a smart arse and trying to prove him wrong? I pointed out that if he would just read my messages before flying off into a frenzy there wouldn't be a problem... Definitely not worth the trouble this one... In the end I said that if he can't learn to love Holly there is really no point in "us". I asked if he would like me to come and get my stuff or will he drop it off (as he originally said he was going to) he said I could come get it. I asked when would be a good time. He said he is very busy... I said he can just leave it outside if he doesn't want to see it and when would be be able to do that by? He said whenever he felt like it. I asked him if he felt that he was being mature and he got angry and swore at me. I told him he would regret his behaviour. He thought I was threatening him... I simply meant that since he is having such mood swings when he calms down I think he will look back and be ashamed/embarrassed at his behaviour (not like I can make someone regret something, I'm a 50kg woman, what am I going to do???). Anyhow eventually he agreed to put my things outside and I went and picked them up without having to see him. So that is completely over and I am glad for it...

quirkywords · ‎29-03-2017

Boo,

You have been through a lot in the last few days.

Do you feel emotionally exhausted? As Spearmint wrote communication is difficult and fraught with misunderstandings.

I hope you are looking after yourself. Sometimes after finally making a decision there is a sense of relief but then some time later one can feel a deep sadness.

Take care

quirkywords

blondguy · ‎29-03-2017

Hey Boo

Im sorry that you were yelled and sworn at. This is unacceptable.

A guy really has to acknowledge that he has screwed up and 'own his problem'

You have many fine qualities Boo....I just wish someone else could see them

my kindest for you

Paul

Spearmint · ‎30-03-2017

Thank you Boo, I appreciate your kind words. I'm not a counselor or psychologist but I would love to be able to help people in that kind of way, unfortunately I have social anxiety and I communicate much better in writing than verbally so I'm not sure how I could turn that into a profession.

Sorry it didn't work out between you, I hope you're okay after all of that. Text messages can be misinterpreted sometimes because you can't hear the persons tone of voice or see their body language so things can be taken the wrong way, which is probably why he thought you were threatening him.

That being said, I'm glad you were able to make a decision that is right and healthy for you. Take the time to nurture yourself and be gentle with yourself. Good on you for trying.

Boo1986 · ‎30-03-2017

Thanks Quirkywords,

Yes I am a little worn out by it all... hoping to have a very quiet weekend at home with Holly and maybe a few good movies 😃

I will just take things slow and let all the emotions work there way through, and with Holly to cuddle I know I will be okay 😃

Thanks so much

Boo