Teenage daughter

[N888]

What do you do if you find alcohol in your daughters room? Can anyone give me some advice please?

She has such an unhealthy lifestyle. Doesnt exercise, drinks sugar drinks, eats unhealthy food. (never at home). 

Please help......

[smallwolf]

hello,

I wrote to you in your other thread and you had mentioned your relationship with your daughter is strained. With that in mind, some suggestions

1. Choose a neutral setting where both of you can talk privately. Express your concern about her well-being and the potential consequences of unhealthy habits, including excessive drinking.

2. Listen to her perspective without judgment and make an effort to understand her point of view. Acknowledge any valid concerns or frustrations she might have.

3. Try to remain calm and non-confrontational. It's obvious that you care very much for her and her health.

4. If all else fails, you could try therapy together to rebuild or repair the relationship. They can provide guidance on how to navigate difficult conversations and improve communication within the family.

These are things that have helped me talk with my own children and maybe they will help you?

[dee789]

Hi N888,

How old is she?

How often do you see her and what are her friends like? Is she actually troubled or just has a lot of teenage angst? Teenage angst is a thing. Try not to panic.

[N888]

Hi. 

She is 20. She lives with us, but she is either at uni, work or out with friends.

Some of her friends are ok, but one i dont like. She has alot of teenager angst/anger. Always angry. Any advise???

[smallwolf]

hello.

It must be difficult situation having to deal with your daughter not knowing the level of anger you might be subjected to? And without knowing the circumstances around her, there can be many reasons for being like this. For example: 

• Hormonal changes
• Stress and pressure
• Lack of coping skills
• Mental health concerns
• Communication and relationship difficulties

Now I am not saying any of these apply to your daughter. My son, on the other hand, right now would have financial pressures and relationship issues and will present as grumpy around us. At the same age, I lived away from home. We are all learning and unfortunately I do not have the answers 😞

[Juliet_84]

Hi N888,

I will say that healthy eating and exercise tends to come with maturity (ie I think you might be pushing the proverbial up hill trying to get a 20 year old to be healthy). I was notoriously unhealthy as a 20 year old, I ate junk food, I drank, I smoked, I didn’t exercise, was out all night in clubs, I think it’s almost a rite of passage. And then I moved out, and I probably continued that for the next year or two, but a beautiful thing happened, you start having to cook for yourself. You start working full-time and you get in a routine. If you eat rubbish, you start getting sick and run down and picking up colds and you start wanting to eat better and exercise. Now I exercise 3-4 times a week intensely and a few extra days moderately, I eat well, take multivitamins, ensure I look after my health etc. It is a gradual evolution of maturity. But like most things, the person has to reach that place on their own. I moved out of home in my first year after graduating uni, do you think this may be an option in the near future?

[N888]

Hi. Yes, she is very unhealthy, always sick and never exercises. She is paying for a gym membership but never goes. I have come to terms that she needs to reach that point on her own. It still breaks my heart because she is so pretty.

Moving out, i dont know, she doesnt have alot of money, as she is a big spender. Thanks to her friends and keeping up with them

We pay for everything for her, i mean like the big bills. But we get no respect and she hasnt spoken to me for 3 days. I think that hurts the most. 😪

[N888]

Hi. Its very difficult when our kids vent their angry and frustration on us. I find it very difficult to deal with. I try to ask whats wrong in a nice way and i get dirty looks, cold shoulder or rolled eyes. Its like walking on egg shells around her. Its like im scared of her!

I know she has uni exams coming up and yes, stress, pressure and anxiety. I understand and she just keeps pushing me away. 😪

[N888]

Hi. What do you do if you dont like your daughters new boyfriend? I dont trust him nor like him. Mothers intuition and I dont get a good feeling from him. She came home last night with a love bite and that is all out of her norm. She is always a good girl. I hope this guy doesnt take advantage of her. 

[Juliet_84]

Hi N888,

I would caution against “mothers intuition” as it’s not based in any facts or proof, and you are also too emotionally invested in the situation to look at him objectively. My partner’s mother was very against our relationship from the get-go, no one was ever good enough for her child, despite me having gone to university, encouraging him to save, working towards goals etc. any thing that he ever did wrong it was always because I “was a bad influence” when I was often behind the scenes trying to get him to stop. But as the partner you are acutely aware that you can do no right, will never be a part of your partners family so why bother, despite most people actually wanting acceptance from their partners family. All it ever does is sabotage any chance of happiness that your daughter wants in a relationship. If she cares for him and he is important to her then that should be enough for you to make an effort rather than making snap judgments based on insignificant things. You get a lot more flies with honey and people will always treat you better if you first treat them with kindness and respect.