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Sudden breakup
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Hey all,
My boyfriend of 7 months just suddenly broke up with me. It was a total shock to not only me, but also my family and friends, and his family. Our relationship was amazing, we had so much fun together, we respected each other, we cared for each other and we loved each other so much. He recently has finished university, and has no job and no money. He called me saying he was worried about a trip we were going on coming up, because he had no money and felt like he would have a bad time. I reassured him that it was only a 2 night trip and I had money saved up. Anyway, the same night he called me again, I thought in regards to our trip... he broke up with me. We live an hour and a half away from each other which is why it was over a phone call. A couple of days later he saw me in person to talk about it. He states that he doesn't feel as strongly about me as he once did, he loves me and cares about me, but not enough for a relationship, he thinks the spark is gone. I told him that after 7 months, the spark does diminish. We are comfortable with each other now, we enjoy each other's company and we love each other - the honeymoon phase is over and that's ok. Anyway - his mind was made up and it was over. We ended it on good terms, I told him I wasn't mad at him, but he knows that I am really struggling with the breakup. His mum has since made contact with my mum - she has said that she has no idea why he has done this. She said that he has been so happy since meeting me (and I'm his first girlfriend), and she agrees that he is panicking about his future and not thinking clearly. She hopes for my sake that he will change his mind and realise he does want to be with me. I am devastated, but after hearing that, I have been given hope that we may end up together one day. But, this makes me sad at the same time, because I don't want to live in false hope if it may never happen.
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Romy,
I agree with no contact immediately after a break up.
My boyfriend broke up with me suddenly. He was spiralling before this though. We didn’t go no contact and tried to be friends straight away and there were so many mixed messages and I just got more and more confused. He has since retreated even further and we are no longer talking. I wish I had given him more space.
I don’t believe you can put a time on no contact. It’s just when you feel like you have healed. I went no contact for 6 weeks and it was around week 4 that my anxiety and depression started to lift. It isn’t easy. I miss him every day. However, it is so extremely important for your recovery. I have decided not to go back into a relationship with him if he came back but my door is always open to him for a friendship if he wants that.
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It’s very hard at first. Push through it. I cried a lot and felt like a zombie. If you contact him, you’ll just go back to square 1. You’ve probably healed more than you realise right now.
well done on 5 days. That’s fantastic!!
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Hi Romy,
i just wanted to provide a bit of support. I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough situation. Breakups literally feel like your heart is broken and that you can’t imagine a life without them.
I got complexly blindsided by my partner of almost a year. He has a lot of mental health issues and problems from his past relationship that he brought into our relationship. The first two weeks after the breakup I told him I’d wait for him to sort out his issues. I honestly couldn’t imagine life without him. I was lucky to have very supportive family and friends however who made me see that this is not how you treat someone. If you truly love someone (my ex told me I was his soulmate the day before we broke up) you don’t walk out of their life, you don’t leave for weeks or months alone to work through problems and you don’t risk losing the person you love. We deserve people that love us unconditionally in return and who will fight for us. They don’t deserve months alone to come crawling back into a relationship again. What is stopping them doing this again in one year, 3 years or 10 years when you have a house and kids? they can easily walk out then too. I told my ex that am not open to a friendship or him in my life. The trust is completely broken. I may sound strong but I cried everyday for 4 weeks, but eventually the crying got less, then it became just a few tears and now, 3 months on, a sad feeling when I see photos of us. I aim one day to be completely indifferent when his name is mentioned.
i hope this gave you some strength. Never forget your worth and how you treated them verse how they treated you. A relationship can’t last if one person is more invested than the other and, unfortunately in our case, that’s what it is.
Treat yourself kindly. Order ubereats, watch legally blonde and eat chocolate for lunch if you want.
Seinh a big hug
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There's nothing worse than getting your heart broken, the heartache and tears that come from a relationship is extremely hard. I also have recently had mine broken. Firstly you need to look after yourself, you'll have good and bad days.
I found writing a journal helped me, just writing whatever came to my mind about the relationship. It could help you to understand what you might want. It might be an idea to know what you will do if he does contact you, if you know the answer write it down, because your emotions might take over, you could be in a good frame of mind after weeks/months and go back to square one.
There could be some underlying factors which he could be worried or scared to tell you so he's natural defense mechanism is to sabotage those closet around him. At the end of the day no one really knows what someone is going through. Sometimes the ones we do think we will spend the rest of life with, are the ones who hurt us the most.
I keep getting reminded that a relationship is a contribution from both people, if one person is putting in more effort than the other it can slowly cause cracks in the relationship. Don't let anyone take you for granted, no one deserves second best treatment.
We're all here for you
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I know exactly how you must feel with your anxiety, mine has been really bad in the past two weeks. If you're finding it hard to eat, make sure whatever you eat is high in calories. My appetite has been minimal also.
You're strong staying to your guns and no contact, as that can be challenging. Ending on good terms, leaves the door open to continue it on at a later date if that is what you desire. Time will only tell.
Maybe write down those questions you would want to ask and keep adding to it so no stone is left unturned if this scenario was to play out.
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Good to read that you won’t be contacting him at this stage.
My ex has retreated further. Distancing himself from our mutual friends now. I know that I did everything I could to maintain a friendship. Just remember that you did everything you could do as well. We can’t fix them. We can only look after ourselves.
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Hi Romy,
I've been in your shoes, and boy it hurts! i just wanted to reach out to you to say it does get better, time passes and people can heal. Maybe you will get back with him, maybe you won't, and maybe, just maybe... YOU won't want to. Take each day as it comes and look after yourself. I too struggle to eat when I'm anxious. It sounds like this breakup came as a shock, give yourself time and space from him to readjust to this new normal. I remember when this happened to me I floated through life for a while, revisiting the past, wondering what I could have done differently, it's exhausting. People also said to me 'focus on yourself', which is hard to do when for a while 'you' has always been 'part of 2'! It's hard to see a future when you're hurting, especially when the future you'd like the most includes this person. When people said to me 'if it's meant to be, it's meant to be' I found it laughable, but over time I realised if you take care of yourself as best you can, and don't try to force life, it's actually kinda true! (If you're wondering how my story ends, he did come back eventually, but it was too late, I'd moved on and was happy!) Some stories do have happy endings, they just might not be the one you initially imagined. Sending you a hug. x
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Hi Laura,
The breakup was a HUGE shock. Things were going so, so well, I didn't see it coming at all. The hard part for me is trying to not focus on what he's doing. I'm always looking at his social media and it makes it so much worse but I can't stop myself. I've come to the realisation today that, if this is how I am feeling right now - then maybe he wasn't meant to be. I know he has not intentionally hurt me, but at the end of the day, the right person for me is not somebody who is going to have this kind of effect on me. I'm trying to hard to take care of myself but it's really getting hard. Work isn't going well because I go there and I still think about him, so I'm not working at my best - my manager is really great though. My medication has been increased but that hasn't helped. I will be regularly seeing my psychologist. Thank you for your message of hope! It does make me feel slightly better to know other people have been through this and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
