Struggling with relationships

[dirtbiker]

Hi everyone this is my first post and I only just signed up so I don’t really know what to do.

I’m a girl (she/her) btw.  I struggle with anxiety, ocd etc.

In 2019 I met this guy I really liked we’ll call him J and he was in the grade above me but we where in the same classes. In 2020 I saw him but never really spoke to him anymore and I still liked him. In 2021 I didn’t see him at all as he was at another school and I had no contact with him. This year I’ve been seeing him daily at school and I emailed him pretty early in the year and I got his number and we where talking as friends. Than he randomly stopped messaging back and we haven’t texted in months.  There was only one person who knew about him (my best friend) and she informed me that he just randomly added her on Snapchat (I don’t have any social media btw) so she was trying to make me jealous and making fun of me. I thought this sounded weird as he didn’t even know her and the truth is she emailed him asking for his Snapchat. I feel very mad at her and I feel betrayed I just feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore. I also really wished I had guy friends and I thought J was going to be friends with me and I don’t know what to do about anything. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I’ve probably missed some information but thanks for reading. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear dirtbiker,

We would like to commend you for finding the courage to post your question here on our supportive forum. It takes a lot of strength and courage for people to post here.

We understand that you are confused about how to find and make friends. You also may be confused about what you may have done to cause J, and your friend, to both turn against you.

One of the things that we often struggle with is the thought that we cause everything that happens around us. This is very easy to do, and it can often trap and confuse us. You said you had not communicated with J for some months before he connected with your friend on SnapChat. So, it seems likely to us that J connecting with your friend on SnapChat doesn't have any connection to you.

Could it be possible that the more important question for you might be how can you make more friends? If this is true, we would like to suggest you find some clubs and groups at school which focus on topics you are interested in. This way, you might find friends who share interests with you. This would help you and your friends to find things to talk about when you hang out together.

Please let us know if this is what you are trying to figure out. We are always here for you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[dirtbiker]

Dear Sophie, thanks for replying. I’m still just confused with the whole situation and I’m trying to move on but it’s hard seeing at though I see him daily and he comes down when I’m training outside of school and watches me train etc. 

Sorry I may not have made it clear about the Snapchat thing. He’s no longer talking to her on Snapchat because he Dosent like her it’s just when she emailed him, he didn’t know who it was that’s why   he gave her his Snapchat after she asked. My friend made up lies and talked rubbish about me to him, im not exactly sure what she’s said but either way he Doesn’t want to talk to me and I don’t think he ever will. I’m just struggling to realize that as we had a good bond and shared interests etc. 

[Juliet_84]

Hi dirtbiker,

Firstly I will say, this person is not your “friend”. I used to have a best “friend” like this in high school, if I ever mentioned I liked someone, next thing I knew she was dating them. Some people like to raise themselves up by putting you down. That’s no friend and you would do well to distance yourself from them as over time it will bring you down, your friends should support you and cheer for you. Regarding this guy, are you able to just pull him aside for a chat and find out what’s going on, even something like “hey are you ok, we used to chat all the time but don’t anymore and I miss that”? The reality is that the relationships in your life are going to be dictated by your communication style. There is much to be gained by developing a clear communication style and then you will always know where you stand. Plenty of people miss out on relationships and friendships or ruin them because of miscommunication and misunderstandings. I don’t want that for you. 

[dirtbiker]

Hey Juliet thank you for replying I really appreciate your support. Yeah im going to distance myself as this isn’t the first time she hasn’t been a great friend however I felt bad for her however I have to put myself first and distance myself because she’s not a good person to be around. 

Yeah I think that would be a good idea I think I’ll just have to jump out of my comfort zone and talk to him in person instead of texting. I mean it’s not like I’ve got anything to loose the only bad thing that could come from this is a bit of embarrassment etc. But it’s worth a try to try and get answers. I’ve been trying to get answers over text but he’s just ignoring me so it’s worth a try to speak to him in person. 
Thank you for your advice- Juliet 

[ecomama]

Hey dirtbiker, cute name! Welcome to the forums. 

I 100% agree with Juliet and YOU... "im going to distance myself as this isn’t the first time she hasn’t been a great friend.."

GREAT IDEA! 
There's a saying, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me". I think this is a bit tough tbh BUT I see the point. 

There's no shame in giving someone a 2nd chance but nowadays I prefer to get some type of recognition that they KNOW they did the wrong thing. An apology perhaps? Nah, I doubt this "friend" has done any of that. 

About J... I'm not sure about this guy either. To ghost you after quite a while texting... and more... when you've said you've been trying to get answers over text but he's "just ignoring" you? 
I saw this meme I took a screenshot of and it could be JUST what you need to know... (IDK, it also seems a bit tough for a teenager but you seem really kind and really wise so..)

Things everyone needs to come to terms with: 
~ No response is a response. 

~ If they wanted to, they would. 
~ Not everyone has the same heart as you. 

If you had only texted ONCE, he may not have seen it, IDK. But repeated texts is a bit... you get it. 

Also as I tell all my teenagers... never put all your eggs in one basket. 

Focusing on YOU, your training, your education, your NEW friends! 
Not in that order... is very conducive to a great life. 
Love EMxxxx

[dirtbiker]

Hey ecomama, 

Thank you so much for your advice xx. Hahaha yeah thanks I wasn’t sure what my name should be and seeing as though I ride dirt bikes and have for a few years I thought that would be a good name. 

I can say I’ve seen that quote before, and I totally agree it is a bit tough but I definitely see the point! 

Thanks for that compliment xx

Thank you for sharing that meme, It was definitely something I needed to hear. 

yeah that’s exactly right and he has definitely seen some of my messages as I did send a few. 

Thank you heaps, I loved hearing your advice and knowledge, and look forward to hearing back from you soon. Would love to talk more with you xx. 

[ecomama]

Hey dirtbiker, you sound SO COOL! lol riding dirt bikes for years, continuing with your education, training for something - please tell us what you train for, is it running? 

Oh and joining the forums OF COURSE lol. 

Simply asking older people about their experiences similar to yours is a really smart thing to do. 
Sure we all have our own lessons to learn and could make certain decisions opposing advice, that's okay too. 

Following your instincts is THE best advice I have for you.
Trusting your gut instincts is a learned thing some times but our intuition is real and powerful. 

You know your "friend" did a real dirty thing. Your feelings of betrayal are real here. I Pray you don't experience more of this over your life time. 
She showed you parts of that weirdness previously. Over time you'll see her doing more weird things, from a distance I hope! 

Also some times, when we're more mature or  more emotionally intelligent than our peers, we can feel this. 
Please don't pitch to their level. 

THANK YOU for giving us the she / her pronoun to use. My teens have given me quite a few educational talks about this. It's USEFUL! 

Love EM

[dirtbiker]

Hey ecomama, 

Thank you so much xx. Hahaha yeah thanks, I’ve been riding since I was 5 but had hopped on bikes since 3 because my dad rides and my older brother. Thank you for your questions and your interest. It is not running however I would like to start running. I play tennis and train twice a week. I would like to take it more seriously and hopefully become a professional player or something however I doubt I’ll make it and I have no support behind me. 

Thank you for that advice I think that will help me far in life. 

Yeah it was a very dirty thing and than she pretends like she Doesn’t know what she did. I’ve already started seeing her doing weird things from a distance lol. 

I just thought if I’d give you those pronouns as it might help to understand my situation more knowing that I’m a girl that likes a boy etc. 

You’ve mentioned before about your teens. I hope you don’t mind me asking but are you a teacher or something or do you just have several teen children? You seem very knowledgeable about teens and have a lot of advice to give. 

I’d love to hear more about your experiences and advice. Thanks heaps xx. 

[dirtbiker]

Hey ecomama and others 

I’m struggling with this situation even more now as there’s a new guy on the scene so to speak. If anyone would mind spending a few minutes to talk about this updated situation I’d be happy. 
thank you everyone