Struggling with relationships

[dirtbiker]

Hi everyone this is my first post and I only just signed up so I don’t really know what to do.

I’m a girl (she/her) btw.  I struggle with anxiety, ocd etc.

In 2019 I met this guy I really liked we’ll call him J and he was in the grade above me but we where in the same classes. In 2020 I saw him but never really spoke to him anymore and I still liked him. In 2021 I didn’t see him at all as he was at another school and I had no contact with him. This year I’ve been seeing him daily at school and I emailed him pretty early in the year and I got his number and we where talking as friends. Than he randomly stopped messaging back and we haven’t texted in months.  There was only one person who knew about him (my best friend) and she informed me that he just randomly added her on Snapchat (I don’t have any social media btw) so she was trying to make me jealous and making fun of me. I thought this sounded weird as he didn’t even know her and the truth is she emailed him asking for his Snapchat. I feel very mad at her and I feel betrayed I just feel like I can’t trust anyone anymore. I also really wished I had guy friends and I thought J was going to be friends with me and I don’t know what to do about anything. Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, I’ve probably missed some information but thanks for reading. 

[ecomama]

Hi dirtbiker, there's another guy you're interested in? AWESOME lol. Go ahead, knock yourself out, we're listening. 

NICE! Training in ANY type of Sport is such a great thing to do. Such discipline, that's awesome. 

Lol a teacher? Ewww so close. I've done a few degrees and work in an Allied area to education, families, psychology, FACS, sometimes Police sadly, children, teens, special needs... 

Yes several teens at home. 
Plus a few adult children out of home. 
I'm a Nana too. 

I've studied Child Development amongst other things for over 40y now. Helped my Aunties raise their children since I could walk it seems. Helped my FRIENDS with their children and teens omg (those are doozies)! 
I've probably "seen it all"... I hope I have 🤔. 

TONIGHT, on a Monday night there are 11 teenagers in our abode (I think).
Our home is a magnet for teens. 
I only had 3 come up and talk to me about their problems tonight. Quiet night! 
My kids are so used to their friends coming over and saying "Is your mum home? (lol) I'll go see her first then come back down to play Mario Cart (or whatever they're into tonight)..."

We've had so many teens move in with no where to live (😢) that's sad. 

So what's happening? 

Love EMxxxx

[dirtbiker]

Hey ecomama, 

Once again thank you so much for being here for me to speak to. I really appreciate you spending your time to listen to a stupid, helpless teen girl that has no hope for anything later in life. 

Aww wow looks like you have a lot of knowledge! Congratulations, how many grandkids do you have? Wow you definitely have a full house! That is so nice of you to offer people a place to sleep, its so unfortunate that they where homeless but it's so kind of you to help all these teenagers and young adults out. Hahaha I wish I had someone like you to speak to in person, all the teens in your house are so lucky to have such a kind soul to talk too etc. I wish I had a caregiver like you, they are very lucky to safely be able to talk to you and hear your knowledge and advice. Good on you for helping these people out even if they don't always show you appreciation I can promise you they appreciate your help. 

Ok well I still like J and haven't completely moved over him and I don't think I ever will. A part of me believes He'll always hold a special part in my heart however there's no future with us so I need to move and get over him. There's this other guy (H) who I met  around the same time (2019) and my older brother used to be friends with H's older brother (our brothers are the same age). H is my age (we're born in the same year, however he's a couple months older so he's in the same grade as J (the grade above mine). H is in my pc class which is like a home room you go every morning to get the role marked etc and is where your locker is. H has shown interest,  however I don't know if it's fair on him to get together etc. H also rides dirtbikes last time i went to his house he had the same bike as me! We have several shared interests plus he's showing interest in me so there's more hope than J. However i just don't know what to do. His ex is also really rude and mean to him so I'd hate to know what she'd do to his future gf. However love isn't easy and if there was no challenge i guess it wouldn't be real love so to speak, idk what I'm saying but I hope you get what I'm trying to say. 

Looking forward to hearing back from you soon and once again thank you SO, SO much I really do appreciate your support and I hope you understand that. 

[ecomama]

Hey dirtbiker, you are a SENSIBLE girl! 
From what I see you have going on, you have a GREAT AND AWESOME future ahead of you! 
Eww that hurt my tummy hearing you speak like that about yourself. We need to change that self talk please! 

Please?

I think H has this going for him - he has the same bikes as YOU! 
I'm serious lol. 
So many great friendships are forged from common interests. 
I truly think common interests or shared GOALS are what make a long term relationship, a HAPPY one. 

It's terrible that H's exgf treated him badly. 
You don't need to consider the ex in the equation, if she is absolutely an "ex"? 
If the ex is still in the picture with some tooing & froing, I'd steer clear tbh. 

But if H is clearly single, then you could always approach him with a view of becoming friends. 
Riding your bikes together would be fun! 

This time spent together will give you some time to "sum him up" / see if you like him more. 
If there are any "red flags" (for a GF) then this time also gives you the opportunity to keep things in the friends zone. 
"Friends Zone" also helps both of you keep things real. Being authentic and simply yourselves. Much more comfortable scenario imho. 

It took me a LONG time to learn about how some teenage boys might think... you show interest and they might think all sorts. 
Stating clearly "Would you like to go riding our bikes together some time? AS FRIENDS?" helps. 

What do you think? 

Love EMxxxx

[dirtbiker]

Hey ecomama! 
Thank you so much that’s the nicest compliment I’ve ever received 😃. 

Ok I’ll try and work on my self talk xxx. 

Yeah I totally agree, there is a lot of potential there. He does have it going for him I’ll admit that hahaha. Yeah that’s exactly right and I mean with J we didn’t have many common interests so it wouldn’t have been a long lasting relationship anyway I guess. 

Yeah after he broke up with her she has been really nasty to him and vandalizing his locker, stealing his things etc. Oh yeah she is totally out of the picture he would never get back with her after what she’s done. Yeah it there was tooing and froing I’d stay away as well but there is none of that so. 

For now I think that would be the best and I’d love to be friends with him and than who knows what the future holds after being friends it may even develop into something more. Who knows! And I’ve been in search of a guy friend or friends anyway because I used to hang out with guys, I get along better and they understand me better! Plus I could talk about dirt bikes lol something most girls don’t understand. Whenever I talk about dirt bikes they think I’m weird but H would think it’s normal so that would be good. 

I think the first move I’d make would be getting his number to talk more however I don’t know how to ask him to ensure he knows it’s from a friends perspective so to speak. As like you said many teen boys just assume your asking and want ti get together etc. So I’m not sure how I’d ask. 

I love that sentence about asking him to ride our bikes however I was not talking about push bikes I was talking about dirt bikes. We’re both into dirt bikes, he Doesn't ride a push bike I don’t believe otherwise that would have been perfect. But if we where to going dirtbikeing together we’d have to have our parents with us etc. it would have been perfect if our older brothers where still friends but unfortunately they are no longer friends but they don’t hate each other or anything either it’s just as they both got girl friends they drifted apart. 

[ecomama]

My pleasure dirtbiker, hugs. 

Yeah I meant asking him to go riding dirt bikes together. I didn't think about the parents needing to be there lol. 
That could be okay maybe? 

About asking him for his number, you could always push the "as friends" in there somewhere. 

Have you EVER spoken with each other, like even in classes or anything? 

I'm so old lol, when we were at High School, there wasn't any type of technology communication except for landline phones and every call was "expensive" to our parents, so most of the time we didn't bother asking to call our friends. We just spoke to each other, everyone spoke with just about everyone. I did anyway. 
Although I realise that after staying friends with our whole High School group (we meet up minimum once a year)... that I was atypical. Not typical. Hmmm. 

I guess if you have anxiety about approaching him to talk or ask him anything... you could see it like this. 
a) he could say "Sure I'll put my number in your phone" OR 
b) he could say "No thanks" lol. 

Sure he could say Why do you want my number?... because I do. Is that okay? (That's me speaking lol)

OR because we both love dirt bikes and I'd like to hang out some time as friends. What do you think? 

IDK I can hear your anxiety over this, There was only ONE person who I became mute when he spoke to me lol... I thought he was BEAUTIFUL. Anyway we got married and divorced. He wasn't "all that" anyway lol. 

Love EM

[dirtbiker]

Hey eco mama, thanks for getting back to me I love hearing from you it’s the highlight of my day lol! 

yeah I did think you meant that, well our families actually have a bit of history as my brother was friends with his brother and our parents where friends so it wouldn’t be that bad. 

We’ve BRIEFLY spoken to each other and when I say that I mean that! We’ve had minimal contact, we haven’t talked much at all. However I was talking to my friend in pc and than he just butted into our conversation and answered my question. And than he’s answered a few other questions I’ve asked him time to time. He’s not in any of my classes as he’s in the grade above me which may pose an issue but anyway. He’s in my pc class which is a ten minute class we have every morning to mark the role and is where our lockers are, pc is like home room btw, if you where wondering. 

Hahaha yeah I actually kind of wish it was like I mean you know what happened with my ex best friend how she spoke to my crush (J) over social media as I don’t have social media. However I did use technology to get J’s number because I emailed him and just asked him for it and to be friends, however I can’t do that because I don’t have H’s email.

Yeah exactly the worst thing that might happen is I feel embarrassed because he rejects the offer but tbh I think he would give me his number the only problem is I don’t have a phone but I can still text him from my iPad if I get his number. 

Yeah now I know what I want to say and in my head it’s perfect lol but it’s just finding the right time etc. However I’m going to do it soon, very soon because with the recent death of my cousin who’s live got taken way too soon from a silly decision I’ve learnt that life is too short and in a moment anything and everything changes and that’s just Life. 

 Yeah that’s like me with him and I’ve never gone mute with anyone else. I’m sorry to hear about that 😢. 

[ecomama]

Hi dirtbiker, that's a lovely thing to say about being here and getting a message being the highlight of your day, hugs! 

It's a great space to get any thing off your mind and into print. No one actually knows us so that's a good thing. Also the Mods check all posts which gives a safe feeling. 

I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin, how sad. My deepest sympathies for your loss. 
as horrible as this is, I'm really happy to hear your attitude about it in reaction to your life. 
These shocking events can make us "take stock" if you like, and even make very different decisions or promises to ourselves. 
You are so correct there, when you see an opportunity, seize it! 

I giggled a little to myself when you said H butted in and answered a question. 
My first reaction was, "then have lots of questions!" lol. Pretty hard to create this scenario, but you could get really creative! 

About any embarrassment, usually the only person who feels or even remembers the embarrassment is US. 
Others may see us as very brave at the time and forget about why they see that in us.
You're a brave person, so just go for it. 

Love EMxxxx

[dirtbiker]

Hey ecomama I hope you had a lovely day today. I did sports today and I had to catch an hour bus and guess who happened to be on the bus sitting right near me and looking at me. (H!) It was so much fun and I needed a pen to write something and I asked him and his friend but it was more directed at him and he went in his bag and got me a pen and was totally call with it. And than someone was airdropping him and he showed his phone and asked me if I knew who it was. I was talking to my friend about primary schools and than he was listening into our conversation and than said the initials of our primary school and than I was like oh yeah I forgot you went to my primary, even though I didn’t lol and he kinda looked sad ngl and than he’s like so did and said my brothers name and than I was like who’s that, I’ve never met them like just joking around with him and than he smiled at me and stuff. It was so fun. Sorry I probably sound so dumb that I’m excited over a guy talking to me. However I kind of stuffed the conversation up because I than brought up his ex lol. I so want to ask him for his number but I don’t know how to because i never see him alone. 

[dirtbiker]

Hi everyone, 

sorry about my last post. I was just really excited and wanted to tell someone what happened. And I just needed to get that off my mind but the thing was it wasn’t that great tbh. 

H is always with a group of guys which honestly I find quite imitating. Plus I heard him saying to one of his friends that liked another kid in my grade that it would be so messed up if they dated etc just because there a grade apart. I really want to get his number and I honestly was going to ask him today but I didn’t see him in the morning like I usually do and when I saw him at lunch he was with all his friends. How should I ask him when he’s with a big group of guys that I don’t know. 

[dirtbiker]

Hi everyone! 

UPDATE!!!
I unfortunately still don’t have H’s number but I AM going to ask it’s just he’s been away for this week so I haven’t had the opportunity. 

I’m feeling very lonely because I don’t have many friends and I’m feeling disconnected and that I’m missing out as I don’t have social media. All of my classmates and peers all have snap chat and one of the girls where talking about that there snapping H. I’m kinda jealous tbh. And I just really want someone to talk to and listen.