Struggling with recent separation.

[MO2TG]

I'm at a loss. Struggling through a separation that was not my choice. 22 years together and my husband won't consider counselling. Very black and white in his attitude. Said he has unhappy for years and feels nothing but used. Now it's his turn to do what he wants. He's done with me, the kids and helping others. He moved out but what I thought was a spring clean was a getting rid of stuff because he was leaving. It's like he's already dealt with it yet I'm just at the beginning.
We had I thought a healthy sex life, team work and great friendship. Going through life together getting ready for more time together as the kids are older teens now.
At first I thought the anger was issues with his work and I picked up the slack in our relationship.
He has held onto every one of my flaws and thrown them in my face from the last 20 + yrs. Obviously has harboured a lot of resentment towards me.
I'm a mess, now when I try to talk to him it's just a barrage of emotional abuse. A complete change in personality. No affection completely withdrawn from me. It hurts. I feel that he has an underlying mental health issue like depression. There plenty of indicators and risk factors. It has been a difficult 2 yrs for family reasons but I was blindsided by this.
Now when i do see him I get so anxious because I don't know what to do anymore.
I try to keep busy. The loneliness is at times unbearable. I give myself pep talks. I talk to my family. I'm stuck in my old life while he is making a fresh one. He does not share info or include me which is to be expected but it's hard. I'm surrounded by memories.
But not ready to make changes. I'm waiting and I know it's unhealthy but I'm not ready to give up.
 

[Printers]

Hi everyone, I'm in the same boat. 12 year relationship married for 6 years, one child in primary school. Things were not good for the last 3 to 4 years. Sleeping separate beds, minimal intimacy and only on her terms. I stuck around for our child but looking back I wish I had of separated sooner. I thought this year after COVID things would change, I was getting fit, being healthy and then 3 weeks into January she wanted to separate. I knew it was coming but I really thought we could have mended our relationship but she only wanted to mend herself. My actions also contributed to the breakdown of our marriage, I accept responsibility for that, it was not all one sided. The things she said to me after she announced separation though will be hard to forgive her for. Verbal abuse, threats, she saw me as some sort of leach in a codependent relationship. She has diagnosed anxiety, PTSD, childhood trauma which only came to the surface after our child was born. Combined with a pre menopausal mid life crisis she didn't have any room for me in her life. She isolated me from my friends and was constantly criticizing my family who only showed her love and support. Our communication was broken in the relationship and now we are separated its even worse. I just miss seeing my child now, that's the hard part. Our child is now having behavioral issues at school and I can only see my child every second weekend.

On the plus side I can now set my own goals and dictate my own future. Its been a month and half but I've got a plan and this year will be tough but its set myself up for success down the track. I control my own actions and self discipline. I realized to have a successful relationship you need to be secure in yourself to attract another secure person. Anything less will result in a one sided relationship which will enviably end or be difficult without a lot of effort.

Stay strong everyone.

[Unbeliever]

I understand aspects of what you are dealing with, although in my case while the emotional aspects were harsh, the situation was not nearly as severe as what you described (we hadn't been together even close to 22 years, nor were there any kids involved).

The biggest shock to me was the dramatic change of personality. Every interaction with her was like talking to a completely different person who was wearing her face.

For the entire time I had known her she was a really warm person even when we were going through problems. We talked and listened to each other calmly even when we were upset... never really yelled at each other ever or ever got angry enough at one another that we would be cruel or try to hurt each other with our words. But literally overnight (and every interaction from that point on) every word out of her mouth seemed designed to purposely draw blood. Like for daring to talk to her at all I deserved nothing but pure venom spat in my face.

I would have understood more if I had done something terrible. An "event" had taken place. But she had just decided that day that it was over between us and so therefore any sweetness, effort or even respect for what we once had was no longer necessary... and so was never to be seen again.

Obviously she had been thinking about it for a LONG time "behind the scenes"... and by the time we got to this point I was WAY behind where she was at, which was painfully jarring for me. But what hurt the most was when she told me that "She had been suffering for years with me".

Because I HATE suffering, it's the thing that I dislike the most in this world... and to think that someone I genuinely loved and cared for so much had been SUFFERING silently just because she made the mistake of falling in love with me and this had been happening for YEARS... AND I had been completely oblivious to it? This cut me so deeply that it still haunts me to this day.

I knew our relationship was not perfect by any standards. I had failed her in many ways. We certainly had our problems. But the idea that I had caused her SUFFERING and not even realised? There is nothing less acceptable than that for me.

Because talking to her was instantly impossible I never found out what I actually did to cause her this suffering. And without those details I didn't know how to prevent accidentally doing the same thing to someone else I cared for in the future.

It's no coincidence that this was the last relationship that I ever had.

[Printers]

Hey 9090, yes I'm in transactional communication. It's difficult but it has some benefits also as normal communication can tend to lead to more fights. I've just accepted thats how it's going to be and for me its part of the acceptance peice in the grieving process. I'm finding I'm socialising differently now also and remembering my old self that had been trapped and suppressed by staying in a relationship that wasn't healthy. I'm staying as involved as I can in my child's life and organising an extra curricular activity, getting involved with the school and so on. It is all about balance though which is tough in the first few months because your life is flipped on its head. I've been working on establishing a healthy routine to keep busy and fit and its a work in progress but it feels like steps in the right direction.

[9090]

Thank you all for your insights. Had mediation recently to discuss our child. Even though my ex decided to leave he was clearly not coping very well with seeing me. He couldn't look me in the eye, was sitting twisted with his back half to me, dry mouth and was on the defensive. I am aiming to put the past behind us so that we can build a healthy co-parenting relationship built on respect each other as parents. I want most of all to model to our child that even when things are really bad there are ways through and things can be good if you decide to make it so. And I agree with Unbeliever, my ex is like a totally different person with the same face. I am not sure if men deal differently with separation but I really felt sorry for my ex. I am crying all over the place, don't get me wrong and I am working with a counsellor to own my parts and grow as a person. Everybody suffers, that is clear, still at the end of the day when there are children involved, it is up to the adults to rise above this, deal with their emotional stuff on their journey, and try to make the best out of a terrible situation. Then there is the financial separation...the anxiety that this is causing me is equal to if not more than the emotional side at this stage. Any suggestions or top-tips there?

[MO2TG]

Hi 9090
From what you've written, I would like to applaud you.
Its a hard made easier by being adult about it for the greater good ( children).
Financial separation is stressful, seek legal advice and speak to your bank.
Ask for what is fair and reasonable in your situation.
Wishing the best and take time for yourself .

[J41andfree]

hi, just going through my own break up. Nearly one year of back and forth. 
I hope you have found happiness again! I’m looking for strength that I have done the right thing and will find happiness one day.