Struggling to get over my break-up

[keyboardcookie]

About 6 months ago, I went through a break up with a guy I dated for about three months. I felt it was the first time I ever actually 'loved' someone - although it feels silly to say such a thing about someone I spent so little time with. But, he made me feel something I hadn't felt before. Since then, I've had crushes, been on dates, online dates, started a new course at university, went overseas, and even started a small business and yet - nothing makes me feel like I have moved on from. I still feel so hung up on him.

The relationship ended very abruptly, with no explanation on his end, and absolutely no contact until I recently messaged him - only to get no response. I also recently found out he has been seeing people, although none of it has panned out for him. 

All of this makes me feel so pathetic and small. It seems I've done everything - travel, therapy, working out, changing my lifestyle, dying my hair, dating, working hard, no contact, never checking his social media - and although I can function in my day to day life well enough, I don't feel over him at all. He consumes nearly all of my waking thoughts, shows up in my dreams, and when I'm not thinking about him I'm actively trying NOT to think about him!

I feel like he's moved on, and although I know he's not a good guy and the way he treated me at the end of our relationship was wrong, I just can't help wanting him back and feeling like I'm literally never going to move on. I feel like I'm going crazy and making no progress. My friends are so supportive but I can't help but feel like soon enough they're going to get sick of this, if they aren't already - and sometimes I wonder if I'm in a sort of hell of my own making - as if something in me is refusing to let me let him go and move on.

Would really appreciate some advice on this, because I've truly got no idea how to move forward and forget about this loser guy who obviously couldn't care less about me 😭

[sbella02]

Oh honey, I'm so so sorry and I feel for you immensely. I've been there. It's so debilitating and it can feel like there's nothing that can cure it, not even time. In my experience, he was in the back of my mind even when I was distracting myself.

I had this exact experience last year, and I'm (thankfully) over it now but it felt like an addiction, truly. We were only together for a month but continued "seeing each other" after that, even though he was actively seeing other people and only telling me about certain instances of this and not others. He was also not such a great person and didn't treat me very well, and he ended up seeing one of my (at the time) best friends. 

It's good that you're no contact. A fantastic start. The longer you keep in contact, the harder it'll be to move on. All of what you're feeling now may be exacerbated. I'll also say, journalling helped me IMMENSELY. I wrote out all of my feelings to him, about him, what I wanted to be feeling instead... everything that was bothering me. That really helps, if you haven't tried it yet. Just getting out all your feelings can be super therapeutic. 

Like you, I also threw myself into activities that made me happy. Studying, art, seeing my friends... anything to get my mind off it and find joy in something that wasn't him. It helps, but these things tend to only be a distraction.

Seeing other people for me, even if it was just dates from dating apps, also helped me get my mind off him. 

Have you tried having a chat to a GP, therapist, or psychologist? Professional advice can also be helpful, if you'd feel comfortable trying out or continuing with therapy, depending on your experience with it.

I would also encourage you to look up "limerance", if you haven't heard of it. This was validating for me, as it helped me understand what I was feeling, and I started treating my feelings for him like they were withdrawal symptoms rather than just symptoms of grieving a breakup. It helped a lot. This may not be exactly what you're feeling but it could be either a step in the right direction or just something worth having a look at.

I hope this helps a little, I know how tough it can be. We're here to support you.

SB