Struggling to cope with separation from wife and kids

[Shariffe]

Where do I start I have been with my wife for 14 years and we share two children together a 13 year old girl and 7 year old boy. She fell pregnant 3 months after we started dating and I fell in love with her from day one. We have recently separated 4 months ago and I'm finding it so difficult to live without them thoughout our relationship we've had our ups and downs like any normal relationship a few of those times we were both physical with each other but we always managed to get through it and move on stronger but on the 18th of April 2021 everything changed we had just returned home from a 4 day holiday and during the holiday she was very cold towards me and I just thought she was angry at me for something I said or done but it wasn't. When we first arrived home I asked her did she want to go do some grocery shopping as the school holidays were nearly up and needed to get things for the kids school lunch but she continued to ignore me like I was nothing I kept asking her what's wrong but no answer i got fed up with being treated like I didn't matter we got into another argument. I begged her to talk to me and she just called her sister to pick her up and left the house asking me to pack my things and leave throughout the next 2 months I kept messaging her and calling her begging to come home and make amends I was so sorry she kept telling me she no longer loves me yet a week before going on our holiday we were making love and she said she loves me with all her heart always and forever and couldn't ever live without me I'm so confused did she ever love me or was it all a lie? She told me she gave up trying on us because I didn't make her happy and that she wanted be find her own happiness like our marriage meant nothing to her I was told I'm selfish and that I have way to many feelings and emotions and to go seek help she knows I suffer depression and anxiety and was always there by my side supporting me. she called the police in June and placed domestic chargers against and an avo so that I can no longer contact her or see her she's changed her phone number taken my children away I've broken the avo 3 times and was thrown in prison for 16 days and all because I went home begging for her to come home I miss her and I still love her I miss my kids they are begging me to come home I don't know what to do.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Shariffe

Welcome to the bb forum. I know it takes a lot of courage to share your story and I applaud your honesty and openness.

You are certainly going through a very challenging time in your life and I know it’s hard for you to be separated from your wife and children.

We all make mistakes in life, it’s part of being human. What’s really important is that we learn from them and grow as people.

This may be challenging to hear, but I encourage you to respect the avo and keep away from your wife. You really need to avoid further breaking the law or causing any additional distress to your family.

At some point your wife may be ready to communicate with you, but it seems not now. Everyone needs some space and time. And your children need a healthy mother to care for them, as they are hurting too. In my view, the best thing you can do for your children right now is to do right by their mother.

Perhaps you could use this time to work on healing. Do you have professional support for your MH conditions? If you do, I would reach out for support. If you don’t, please consider a visit your GP to get the ball rolling. I would also suggest you consider asking for help to better manage your anger.

You could also seek some legal advice regarding access to your children. I think it’s really important that you handle this properly and within the law.

bb runs a support line and if you think it would help you can call to speak with a counsellor. The number is 1300 22 4636. Another good support is Men’s Line, as they specifically deal with men.

Post any time if you want to talk.

Kind thoughts to you

[Petal22]

Hi Shariffe,

Wellcome to our forums!

So sorry things have happened the way they have for you…..

Im sorry your self and your wife have been physical with each other……. I find that sad in a relationship……. We can always choose how we react to a situation…Would you think about doing some kind of therapy for this? Maybe start at your gp…… have you seeked help for your anxiety and depression before?

I also understand it would be so hard for you not to be able to see your children because of the VRO…… I know this is so difficult……. It’s so hard because the VRO doesn’t just stop you seeing your wife it also separates the father from his children which would be very distressing for you…. I understand…..

Im sorry you where put in jail due to the VRO breaches this would be hard but you need to respect the VRO so you aren’t thrown in jail again…….. Can you seek other legal avenues so you can see your children?

Hang in there

[Shariffe]

Hi Summer Rose,

Thanks for your reply I am trying to respect the avo it's just so hard when I have never been apart from my wife for this long before like it's always been me and her and our kids I always tried to provide and do what was right by my family. I trying to give her time but I just don't get how after all this time we've been together she would lie about loving me. I'm currently speaking with a psychiatrist and seeking a psychologist/counsellor to help with my situation but I want to also fix my marriage but I don't know what to do if I can't contact her I don't believe she doesn't love me anymore we have to much history she's my best and only friend she was always my biggest support.

[Shariffe]

Hi Petal22,

We haven't always been physical with each other we always seemed to get through everything together I know she still loves me and I'm currently talking to a psychiatrist while I'm looking for a psychologist to speak to more often. The hard part is the avo and she can amend/change it so that we can both seek the help we need and so I can see my kids but she won't even reply to my solicitor which is my only way to contact her. I just want a chance to prove to her she is the only one I ever wanted and cared about. My kids are begging me to come home and I can't even do that I don't know what to do anymore.

[Petal22]

Hi Shariffe,

I think that’s great that you are seeing a psychiatrist and looking for a psychologist……. You need to keep up with your therapy… stick it out….. it really helps…. I understand anxiety I had severe anxiety OCD and have now recovered from it thanks to the help of health professionals…… my recovery started from seeing my gp we did a mental health plan together, I saw a clinical phycologist and psychiatrist this then led me to a 8 week group therapy were I learned to master my OCD….. it took a lot of perseverance to master the skills I was taught but I’m now free of the condition…….

When seeing a psychologist you may be interested in seeing a clinical psychologist they can diagnose…..

Through my mental health journey I learned a lot about myself …… there were things I didn’t like about my self internally ….I have worked really hard on changing those things…….. and I’m now a better version of myself….. I really believe in positivity it can transform your mind and life! You just need to make the CHOICE to change and go out with intent every day and work on being a better version of your self every day! It is possible believe me……….we all have the power within ourselves to change for the better….. yes it takes work BUT that work is so worth it!

I understand it would be hard not seeing your kids and not having communication with your wife but you need to do it legally…….

you need to have patience and faith that things will work out…….. you can’t control the situation you just need to be patient……

im here to chat to you

[Sophie_M]

Hi Shariffe, 

Thank you for posting to the forums and for being so open and honest about your experiences. Sharing and seeking support is the first step towards feeling better and we are really happy that you have been able to find this space. We know that relationship concerns are incredibly stressful and can cause a great deal of anxiety. 

We think that it could be worthwhile for you to reach out to Relationships Australia. If you follow that link you will be able to find the best state-based number to call, as well as some great supportive information. Or, you can call them on 1300 364 277. 

Another great resource is 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), they are experts in supporting people in challenging relationships and will be able to help you to manage these feelings and emotions. 

We want to thank you again for reaching out for support, we know that this must be a really hard time for you but we think that this is a wonderful step towards feeling your best. Please feel free to come back and update us on how you are going and good luck with getting in contact with the organisations above. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Summer Rose]

Hi Shariffe

I know it's really hard but I don't think you have much choice but to keep your distance right now.

You might like to try writing down your feelings in a journal or even a letter to your wife. Please don't post the letter if it will break the avo but write it and save it. One day you may be able to share it with your wife.

I'm so glad that you're receiving professional support right now. It's so important to you and your family's future. Hang in there and keep working at it.

The number for Mens Line in 1300 78 99 78 and they provide free counselling and support. Sophie's also given you some great suggestions for further support.

Kind thoughts to you