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Struggling to cope with finding out that my ex parterners boyfriend is living with her and my 4 year old son in our family home

Community Member

Hi Everyone and thanks for taking time reading this.

My 10 year relationship with my partner ended 2 years ago and i was asked to leave the family home. We have a 4 year old boy together and at the time and since i have agreed to her every wish, always been there for her to help out and been an active dad for my son.

I had been holding out, hoping to get her back but now i have found out that she has been seeing someone else. and i found out from my 4 year old who had been trying to let me know for some time. I have since had some very emotional conversations with her and she revealed that she started seeing this person from a tinder hook up soon after she told me to leave and that he has also been living with my ex and my son in our family home for almost a year.

This has really broken me and my life has since been destroyed. Ive lost my job, my self worth and most days are filled with tears, feeling really lost and really low.

I know i cant change what my partner does in her life but i feel i have been replaced. this guy feels like imposter as he's living in what is still part my house and hes been interacting with my son for over a year and i had no idea hes been there.

I still love and care deeply for my ex and that really tares my apart. I really need help and guidance

3 Replies 3

Community Member

Good on you for coming on here mate a spilling your guts.

Relationships are hard. I'm not sure if my words are of help but here goes.

Your son will only ever have one dad mate and that is you. I know because My parents got divorced when I was 4. I have a great relationship with my step dad, but I only have 1 dad. You will always be number 1 to him, I guarantee it.

It sucks that you have split with your ex, but it happens. You need to move on, get your head straight so your a positive influence on your son. The worst thing you could do is ever say anything bad about your childs mother to your child. Kids love both parents as they should, my mum used to run my dad down, but my dad never did. I new he wasn't that fond of mum anymore but I really respected him for that. How ever everytime my mum said something negative about my dad, it took away from mums and my relationship. So don't worry, be there for your kid, be a positive influence, even if your wife was to run you down, ironically it will work in your favor. No one will ever replace you to your son mate.

So don't concern yourself with what your ex is up to. Get your head straight, get on with being the best version of yourself. Good things are coming mate. Stay strong!

Community Member
Hi bonboneyo. I tend to pretty much agree with everything Farfaraway has said. My parents never parted, but I often think they would've been better off. My dad passed in 1976, the year before Elvis. My mum had other relationships, some were better than dad, some not so good. No matter who she was with and no matter how I felt about them, my love for my dad never stopped. The love between dad and child is strong and no matter how many bf's your ex gets involved with, you will always be 'dad'. In some ways if your ex's now bf's relationship with your son is good, your son isn't living in fear of being rejected by him. You will never be replaced, the same as if you meet another woman, she will never replace his mother. Have you maintained a friendship with your ex as this will impact more on your son. 4 year old's are very susceptible to tension between their parents and he needs to know you and his mum are friends. Maybe consider getting in touch with your ex and arrange to meet this new man and see how he is with your son. I realize seeing your ex with another man will hurt, but not seeing them and imagining worse case scenario is making life worse for you. The love for your ex will fade but in the meantime you need to maintain contact with your son. He is the important one. I'm separated and I keep hoping my ex won't meet anyone else. We will never live together again, but I would like to know we will always be friends.

Community Member

Hello bonboneyo

This is the first time I have posted to this site. The sadness in your letter and the fact I too experienced a similar situation to you forty years ago made me want to reply. I understand the confusion, despair and the seeming “unfairness” of the cards you have been dealt.

Your situation is complicated because you say you still love your wife and hope that one day you can rejoin as a family. I need to be frank and say the odds of that happening are very long. The sooner you can accept that fact, the better and stronger you will feel in rebuilding your life. Please don’t despair over the “loss” of your son. You haven’t lost him, you are his only father and nothing can change that. The likelihood is you will be there for your sons birthdays, Christmas, Major life and events and probably marriage. But for this to happen you need to repair your feelings of self value.

Im concerned you have lost your job, seem to be in a place of deep sadness and have low self esteem. I urge you to seek professional help, maybe start with your GP and thence maybe to a psychological service.