Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Struggle from day to day after break up

Community Member


I have recently gone through a break up (almost 8 weeks) which may seem like Mental abuse as we have split a couple of times & got back etc. I got used to this behaviour and I allowed it. My friends would see & say I was getting abused mentally.

i seem to only think of the good times and avoid the bad thoughts, I like that about me in normal circumstances.

i get anxious leading up to the weekend As I know I will possibly get bored of my own company, u see I have somehow maybe become co-dependant

My ex suffered from what I believe PTSD, took meds for anxiety and depression (though recently would say I never had depression only anxiety-this was a shock to hear) I would do anything to help, but I got blamed for things I did not even feel I did-unfortunately at times I would go quiet as she would treat me horribly, I even voiced that I would not accept the behaviour any more 😞 though this pushed her away. I always put others first and I thought that was a nice trait to have.

I see her and she seems to be happy and I think to myself how this could be possible

It’s like I am addicted to the pain, I find the relationship was what I’m addicted to so I struggle to move on. I still feel I love her though I know it’s not good for me. I tried all in my power to get us to counselling but she always avoided it! Last year we did 3 sessions and it worked well but our counsellor went on a break and we never re-booked.

Don’t even know why I’m writing this?

i struggle to get out of bed (my couch) it’s almost mid day & I just want to try & get used to my own space. I want to leave the house to go for a walk all the time, try and catch up with ppl though ppl are busy doing whatever it is they do, you know with family etc.

I don’t know if that is normal so early in a split? Yesterday I cried a lot.

Last night a friend came walking & at first I was a mess, to the point he wanted us to go to a hospital. He has depression and has it all under control with his dr. though after crying getting it out we walked for 2 hours and I was happy again.

i wish God would speed things up for me.

i try mindfulness,meditation but recently have stopped. I really want my life to be normal again (what’s normal right)

I posted considering I’m on my couch still. Is this bad that I’m still on the couch or can I hav a day or maybe a few like this? This week was a tough one and I did find it hard every morning to get up.i hope I have not bored anyone. Thanks for listening/reading.

30 Replies 30

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi John..

welcome to this forum

yes we are all listening ..thanks for posting

you are not alone..break ups are hard

take your time with it..be gentle with yourself.

Its time to be show yourself some love. I too was co dependent ...and did not see anything wrong with it...But I lost myself completely...I was just living for others...putting everyones needs ahead of mine. It happens quite easily ...And I only just realise that it is important to stay true to oneself ...and maintain ones identity .Your awareness is essential for future relationships.

Your pain at the moment is probably unbearable. But trust me ...this will pass..and IT IS Temporary !!! Trust that it will be ok.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will smile again and feel again.

Cry all you want ..trust me you will feel better.

Take all the time you want on that couch..hahah don't feel bad about it.

Show yourself some compassion.

I have meditation that I used to listen to Jason Stephensen ...he talks you through a sleep process and letting go of a relationship...boy was I glad I found him on youtube. I suppose you can find a female voice one if you like but those things are great ...to keep your mind off things. I would give it a burl

I also did yoga...but any form of movement would assist if you can manage...hahaha . Maybe roll off the couch and go into a sit up position ....do 5 sit ups...or stop at 1. But you get the drift ...smalll little steps.

I know I used to have days where I didn't move an inch and I needed to do just that for my sanity. Don't blame yourself for taking time out for yourself. I used to blame myself and self sabotage ...just be kind to yourself.

Keep smiling John

Community Member

Thanks Isabel,

i did try to connect today with the live chat but it’s not 3pm yet so I posted.

Thsbk you for your reply as I must admit I was checking back.

i have a question, everybody says to me to be kind, or gentile to myself as you too have done. I truly don’t know what that means? Could someone please explain it to me as I feel this might make a big difference

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi John

I blamed myself a lot of the times for what went wrong. was I too nice ? Was I too clingy? What if i did this ? what If did that?

I took it all on the chin.

It was an affair that killed our marriage . He cheated but even then I still blamed myself for it..which had no sense. It took me a while to realise I did not love myself enough to remove myself from the toxic situation. choosing to stay instead of leaving...afraid of change. I did not leave because I did not believe that i deserve love. I gave him a lot of slack as well...was forgiving and all that. but it was at my expense because nothing changed. in fact things got worse. So now I have split and its all about me caring for myself ...what I want to eat ...what I want to do...what I want in my life etc...etc... selfish as it may sound but its freaking awesome.

Community Member

See I’m going through that stage now that I do blame myself but I try and block it out.

somehpw I was made to feel like I was not trying but I truly I was trying everything.

My son was starting to get uncomfortable with her as he would ask if she was going to be home, so this made me wake up I suppose and I asked her to move out and to try to get back to basics. Agreed at first though some how it did not last as a few weeks later she ended it which did devastate me. I had truly let my guard down and convinced myself I would give it my all again.

I care so deeply for her but the mental abuse has really affected me, I just don’t know why I don’t feel relieved... I seriously have lost myself and I still don’t even know what I enjoy to do, hence why I do my walks.

im considering going to my dr on Monday and seeing if it is appropriate to get on something that might help with the thoughts. This does scare me but not been happy scared me more

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

So when you put yourself first and love yourself first ...you kinda set the tone for the way others treat you . I also am like you ...as in I was always putting others first..and that can work in ways that could sometimes hurt us.

i now firmly believe that when two people are in a relationship ...you show love and respect to each other..come together to make each other stronger and want to be better people. Often people get stucked in relationships where they feel small...and helpless and like...oh I can't live without him/her. which was me...a while ago.

I couldn't see how life would be without him...like I would rather stay stuck in burning hell with the gruelling pain...than leave him. But I learned the absolutely hard way and hence I survived to tell my stories to others so they too can see that it can be done. I am so happy to report that I am doing so well today in spite all the things I went through. I must admit I did not see much hope back then and it would just be in pitch darkness. But boy was I wrong . The art of letting go is also crucial...we gonna learn when to let go... I think I hung on for way too long. But that was the time I needed. Letting go of the relationship is one thing...and then telling yourself to let go of the pain ...is another. You have to give yourself the permission to let go of the pain. Believe I was in a world of pain and I searched and I searched...lol ..and look at me now..Im so damm happy now.

Look for the silver lining...trust me there is one...might not see it now ..but its there.

Think about the lessons she taught you if any.

Its better to have loved and lost and not loved at all.

I will jump online later too so find me there 🙂 haven't actually tried the online thing

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

trust me john you will be happy again...just give it some time.

How old is your son??

you mentioned you were made to feel you werent trying hard enough...did she make you feel that way??

I have heard that some people could be manipulative in a relationship and make you feel helpless ..was this the case with you at all??

Community Member

My boy is 11 and is very well mannered and quite responsible.

i was always second guessing myself, always thinking of what I was doing would be ok. I never got compliments and when I found something I would like or something I might consider we do, she would always offer alternatives. It’s hard explain.

i worked and provided, I’m scared to say to much on here but I did well and I was only reminded of my failures in business (meaning deals that might have not gone through) keeping in mind lots of other deals did go through.

it was always like I was second guessing myself and I did worry as I really wanted to please her. When she did compliment it was after I asked if this looks good it is this ok... I was always chasing her acceptance I suppose. It really hurt but I somehow still want her as I feel we could fix these things with the right counselling.

though it’s not possible anymore as we have separated.

Community Member

I did feel worthless which hurt me so much.

I found myself saying that a lot and I currently feel worthless.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

hi John

you are not worthless...you are very much like me..I did everything to please him. But why wouldn't you when they are the centre of your universe. I felt worthless too...so worthless it was not even funny. and especially with all I did...i did not get anything in return. And I think thats where the worthlessness came in..you are like pounding on the door and no one is answering you back .

I would say I love you to him and he would be like a brick wall and gave me absolutely ZILCH!!!!

Would try to hold his hand to try and bring the love back just to have it flicked away.

But that is all my past...painful as it was ...but i learned so much about myself. It was by no means easy. I know you are in a world of pain now...but if I can show u what I see now..i hope it can ease your pain somehow..but just trust that you will be ok.

A relationship is a two way street...usually when it goes only one way...issues arise. I felt worthless for a long time coming but couldn't pinpoint it...it is so subtle until you can step out of the situation and be an outsider looking in then you will see the imbalance and it explains why you feel the way you feel.