So now I'm just totally selfish

4Cats · ‎02-07-2018

I've been on depression meds for years. On top of that I'm an alcoholic. I'm trying to quit but it's a rocky road. I have just about lost all my friends and half the family hate me. Our mum passed away last year and there were issues. I tried to be there for mum as much as possible. The only person who has stuck with me is my husband but tonight I have basically been told to be greatful for what I've got. See, I thought people would support you when you're struggling but everyone has run away. I blame myself and know I'm a selfish person. I hate me. So when my husband asks what's wrong and I tell him it's not nice when you know everyone dislikes you, I don't appreciate being told "You have more than some other people". So now you can add ungrateful to the rest of my millions of faults. How does anyone survive life knowing you're just a horrible human being? (Apart from drinking that is).

Croix · ‎02-07-2018

Dear 4Cats~

Welcome back, I've not seen you around for a while (my apologies if I've missed a anything). I'm sorry your mum passed away, and also for the fact she had dementia, doubly upsetting. I think the last time we spoke she was in a home.

I'm not sure your husband's remark automatically means you are ungrateful. People that try to comfort can themselves be stuck for words and what comes out is not always the best or most appropriate thing. I've said hte same sort of thing before now, and felt bad as soon as it was out of my mouth, as it is not a particularly helpful thing to say.

Do you think you husband was concerned for you? If so perhaps feeling happy for that concern might be best. When my partner has been clumsy in her inquiries I've still felt cared for. Having problems with alcohol is very hard, both on you and others around you too.

Do you think there is something you could do together you might both enjoy?

Croix

Juliet_84 · ‎03-07-2018

Hi 4cats,

It sounds as though you’re feeling a bit sorry for yourself right now, which is fine from time to time but I want to caution that it’s not a place to dwell. It’s not helpful and some people use it as an excuse not to change, by throwing their hands up and saying “I’m selfish” or “I’m a horrible human being”, it almost absolves you of guilt.I strongly doubt that you are a horrible person, you may be selfish, but that is something that you can easily fix. You mentioned that you thought people would help you while you’re struggling but they run away. But are you there for other people? Do you help others when they are struggling? I think it’s important to be mindful that people do become tired if someone just takes from them, it may not be them running away but rather preserving their energy for people who give and take.

I don’t survive being a horrible person, because I try not to be a horrible person every day, I am kind to my friends and family, I do things for them because I want to, and I don’t take out my anger on other people. These are small things that I believe make a difference and are important to me and how I want to live my life. Sometimes I need help as well, and they are there. If they are not, I don’t have them in my life.

I think that you need to take back a bit more control of your life. If you don’t like things the way they are, change them. Rather than sitting back and feeling as though every thing happens to you, I think this will be the steps you need to take to turn things around, it’s perfectly within your control.

4Cats · ‎04-07-2018

You're right. Thanks for setting the facts straight and confirming what I already know. What I don't know is how to change what i inherently am. Seeing I've been a failure from trying to for years now. And I'm exhausted and sick of trying. I've always been a sooky la la - that's probably why the kids at primary school hated me too- they were the first ones to sense it. Runt of the litter so to speak and predators sniff out the weakest to kill. And yes I am aware of having some sort of maturity deficiency.

Juliet_84 · ‎04-07-2018

Hi 4cats,

I’m so glad you were open to my advice, I was worried that you would take it the wrong way or feel attacked and that is not what I intended at all. I don’t think you have to change who you inherently are, I just think that you need to break things down into manageable tasks, if you really are committed to imroving the things you mentioned. If it was me, I’d write down the things I want to improve, such as being less selfish, and then write down practical ways that I can change. For example, if you want to be less selfish you could agree to call one friend a week and talk to them, not just when you want something etc. You may find that you actually get something out of it as well. There’s so much more to life than just worrying about you. Bullying is hard growing up, I was bullied in primary school also, and for a time in high school. It affected me at the time but the older I got, the more I realized that they weren’t my people and were small minded and threatened. I think that you have some negative thought patterns going on that are impacting your coping skills. It may be worthwhile seeing a psychologist who can help you reframe the things you tell yourself. I have rarely seen drinking too much end well for you. You have as much right to have the same bright future as anyone else, you just have to own it x

4Cats · ‎05-07-2018

I'm seeing an alcohol counsellor. I do contact friends once a week (they rarely initiate). I have been in bed all week and crying at night's. I'm taking my anti depressants. Then my husband says to let him know if there's anything he can do for me. If it was him in this state I'd investigate getting someone out to help - Dr, psych etc. Yes I'm angry. I'm so tired of trying. I'm just the housekeeper around here. Years ago when I was thinking of leaving I got threatened with all sorts of ramifications. He doesn't care about me except that I stay around to do the housework and for the sake of the image he portrays to the rest of his family. I'm stuck. Tired. Wish I could have a heart attack in my sleep.

Terry73 · ‎06-07-2018

Hi 4Cats,

First of all, even if you dont believe it yourself, you are not worthless, sorry if that sounds harsh, but you do matter to someone even if you dont think you do.

In relation to finding a solution for your situation, I want you to understand that I can only point you in a direction, the solution has to come from yourself, as I feel that way you can build up some confidence in yourself to make choices, and start to see your own worth as a benefit.

I suggest firstly to start working out which goals you want to achieve, dreams etc (include things like recovering from alcoholism, but dont let that be the only thing, include things that make you happy and feel good about life, what makes you feel successful, anything that makes you feel better) and start working towards them. While doing so, see if your husband will join you in chasing your dreams, if he does then he really does care more about you than he might show, or you might believe, if not, then he probably is exactly how you describe and you may need to make choices regarding that, or at least be able to understand it enough for it to become less of an issue (however dont use it as a weapon to motivate him, you need to let him choose to help you freely, else its just something that isnt genuine, and more a person being manipulated than genuinely caring for your wants and needs).

Focus on what you want in life, it is not being selfish, it is chasing your dreams, making you happier, and in turn that will make others that matter, happy to be around you, including your husband if he is genuine. This can only lead to a better life for you, for your family and for the future, which is not selfish at all. I have said in another post much the same thing, and I will repeat this part, dont let anyone tell you it cant be done, even yourself.

I do hope this helps,

Terry