So lonely, lost and sad
Hi there, I'm new here but I'm not new to suffering from anxiety and depression. I was hospitalised suffering from a breakdown at age 21 in 2006. Since then I have had ups and downs but mostly I just feel lost and empty inside like I lost track of who I am and where I was going in life. I have suffered from crippling anxiety attacks in the past which left me fearful and them the depression set in which left me feeling hopeless. Earlier this year my long term (10yr) on-off relationship (and only real friend) ended. I thought I would be ok and move on but it has really affected me. I feel worthless most of the time and like a part of me is missing that I will never get back. I keep remembering back to when I was 18-21, confident and easy going and I feel like my life spiralled out of control. Even though I work full time, I don't have a career or any sense of direction which doesn't help my self esteem. I haven't had any friends for years (they didn't want anything to do with me after they found out I had a breakdown). I feel like I exist to work, sleep and eventually die. I have tried counselling, natural therapies and I'm also on medication but there's times when I still feel hopeless like I have no control of my life and that no one actually cares about me. I don't have anyone to talk to about how im feeling as my mothers answer is 'get the doctor to change your medication' - it's not that simple. If anyone has some suggestions please let me know.
Unfortunately i dont have any answers for you other than to let you know there are others who feel just like you
My partner of 11 years (who also was my only real friend) recently left me and took our children. So i know the feeling of feeling completely lost and alone, it is exactly how i feel at the moment and i think we share a mother as thats all my mother says as well is go to the doctor etc
So know that you are not alone is all i can tell you unfortunately
I know it's an ordinary thing for me to open with, like: Welcome to this site; meaning that you've come on here for help with your condition. But you know what, it's a major step that you've taken.
It's good that you've been able to list out a little of what's been happening to you and like Matty said, there are so many who can relate to your journey and to how you're feeling of: work, sleep and eventually die.
It is good to hear that you're on medication, which means you've been to your Doc in the past. Now I don't want to sound like your mother here, but when was the last time that you saw your Doc? And how long have you been on these meds for? Are you taking them as you should? (ie: everyday?) I sure as hell don't want to come across as hassling you at all ... it's just that with the emotions and feelings that you're describing, it would be good to know some of those answers because that could be potentially something that is hindering any chance for change for you.
From what I've read it seems like you must be in your late 20's ... are you a sporty person or someone who likes exercise? Walking, running, cycling? Do you have a pet? Just some of these things can assist, even for a short while during a day to help out the mind a little. Kind of to break up the monotonous routine that we feel (or know) that our lives have become.
Have you totally exhausted all your friends? Exhausted meaning, that you've got absolutely no-one that you have any reasonable contact with? All I'm trying for here, is whether there is just one person that you have any sort of contact with. But yeah, if that's the case, that truly hurts if they abandon you, especially when it is at a time when you would have so needed some support.
Please get back to us Sadnlonely ...
i can totally relate to your story,,an feel for you, i have,nt got much confidence myself atm, not working, broke up with ex few weeks ago, ( 12 yrs , on an off ) his in a padded cell now, dont feel like i can really talk to anyone, feels like it,s all too much for anyone to care about , feel very alone, even though my daughter lives with me , she has her own issues, don,t go out of house much either, but i,m reaching out, and hoping it helps , even a little. so broke, it,s not funny, so i hope maybe with your income, you could buy yourself a special treat to feel a little better, i know it,s not the answer, but soemthing might help, sometimes even a new dress or haircut helps just for the day,xxxxxxx
Lost, Dear sad lonely, it takes a lot of courage to reach out to others so you have shown strength in joining this forum-and here you can talk about anything without fear of judgement by others & also find people who can relate to your experiences & provide you with compassionate understanding & support. I feel so much for you & what you are experiencing. Feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, worthlessness, hopelessness & isolation are very common for people experiencing depression & anxiety. In saying that I am in no way comparing your experience to others. You are unique & I can relate to your feeling that you are just "existing" rather than living a decent life. I can also emphasise with your crippling anxiety & depression which is causing you to feel hopeless & worthless & sadly it creates feelings that there is no hope to feel happiness & that the future will be a continuation of sadness, unhappiness, loneliness & isolation. Depression & anxiety can unfortunately have a severe impact on our lives. One example that saddened me was the way you explained how your friends abandoned you when they found out you were experiencing this illness. And it is an illness-so that is also why I think you feel as though you have no control over your life or feelings at the moment. You as a person with feelings, hopes & various experiences including the ability to feel happiness still do exist underneath the layers & layers of this illness. But at the moment the illness of depression & the terrible crippling anxiety-has a stronger hold over you than anything else. So it's the effects of the illness that cause us to feel worthless, hopeless, a failure & also keep us isolated & alone with feelings of shame & self hate. But underneath that-you still are alive & are a special person who would be experiencing a very different life if you were able to get the illness under control. And no-it's not an easy thing to do-some people find medication & therapy to help their recovery. There are different ways people learn to accept & manage their illness & hopefully there will be a way for you as we'll. I fought the fact that I had severe anxiety & depression for ages & it's only recently I decided to accept its an illness I will probably always suffer so my focus needs to shift to how I'm going to integrate it & manage it within my life. I find the anxiety the hardest to deal with but that's me. The other thing you mentioned was your loneliness & isolation-another factor resulting from your illness. This is very common & I tend to avoid situations & find it hard to go out. Yet at the same time I crave company & conversation. I think if I had friends in my life who understood or accepted my illness I would be much more sociable. Anyway back to you, sometimes medication takes a few weeks to kick in. If you can keep reaching out on this forum you may not feel so alone. I desperately wish Beyond Blue had support groups but they don't. One organisation that does is called GROW & it holds regular meetings nationwide on depression & related issues. It's a Selfhelp support group. I think there may be a few others but that's the most well known. If you google 'depression support groups Australia" or something similar I'm sure you will get more information. I will keep you in my thoughts & will reply to your messages when and if you feel like writing. Take care, you are a unique & special person x Mary (Mares73)
It sounds like you need to set some goals and find some direction in life to build self esteem. But I am not sure if you feel strong enough to be able to do that at the moment? Could you start with something small like just thinking about and maybe telling us here what you would like to do with your life (career, hobbies). If you had some friends what would you like to do with them - maybe this would indicate where you could meet some people. I know it sounds really hard and overwhelming to do this and even if you know what you want to do doing it is hard.
You have tried counselling but was this with a psychologist or a counsellor. There are many different types of approaches and maybe you need to try some different ones. I agree medication doesn't fix everything. It not like a drug will suddenly sort out your careers or friends etc.
Good luck, hope you can think of something you want to give a try to make changes to your life.