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Should I fight to relocate my kids, as we agreed before separation?

Community Member

My wife and I had decided to move to Australia where I grew up and my family still live, from New Zealand where we have been living for the past ten years (she is British). We have been struggling in our relationship for a while, and we had a big argument a week before I left. She was going to follow with the kids, but a week after I left, she decided that she doesn't want to move and wants to separate instead. While she hasn't ruled out getting back together entirely, she doesn't want to give me false hope and I have agreed to see a psychologist about my separation anxiety which has been driving her away.

We have two beautiful children (4 and 6), and I really think they would be better off in Australia where I have family support and much greater financial stability. We had severed all ties in New Zealand, jobs, house etc and have bought a house near my family and I have a great job. However, my wife is adamant she won't come to Australia right now, and just wants to stop and look after herself for a while. She hasn't ruled Austrasia out, but also won't commit to anything either.

I am in a dilemma, while I really believe the kids would be better off, she is adamant that stability would be better for them, remaining in their routines here as much as possible with friends etc around them. I have taken legal advice which has suggested I would be able to take them to Australia if I wanted to drag the family through the courts, but this feels like it would destroy our family and only the kids would suffer. My other option is to take a job at my old place of work, which is not great but would pay the bills until the end of the year when something else will most likely come up.

I want to give my wife the time and space she has asked for, but she seems so unwilling to compromise. We have agreed on shared care of the kids, and she doesn't want to keep me away from the kids. My family in Australia are really pushing me to get the kids to Australia where we can start fresh, but my wife's friends are telling her not to go, and I know she won't unless I get a court order for her to produce the passports. I want to do the right thing by my kids more than anything, but we are fundamentally disagreeing on what that looks like. I also think if I don't fight for it now, then it will be too late once established over here again.

1 Reply 1

Community Member

Hi Frink. I think bringing the kids here from N.Z could be a bit traumatic for them, particularly seeing as your wife refuses to come. Also a court case would cause more friction than you want. Would your wife agree to 'skyping' once a week so you could still see them and talk to them. Skype is free and you can talk for as long as you like. For you to take back your old job, I feel that would only cause more problems as you would resent it and possibly start blaming her for making you do something you don't want to. The children are so young, they need both parents, but this is not possible - yet. You say she hasn't altogether said 'no', just not now. Because you're talking two separate countries the laws here, I think, are slightly more relaxed than there (not sure). If you did bring them here, they could start pining for mum, which is not good either. Does she possess a computer, ask her if she'd be willing to let the kids talk to you via skype. Maybe you could arrange to go over there later in the year to see her and the kids. I know, at the moment, it looks like you having to make all the sacrifices, but I can't see any other way to go. Your wife may decide to come over for Christmas or later or earlier for a look see. It would be ideal if she was to come, but, as you say, she's adamant about staying now.

You never know, once she sees how happy you are over here, she may change her mind and give us a try. Hope so, it would be good for you and your family to be together.