Cheated and Sad

[Setting_Sail]

My fiance ( 2 years engaged) ( 8 years BF/GF) cheated on me in 2015 for most of the year and some of the previous year . He has never apologized and i did cop some of the blame ( he advised that he didn't do anything he thought was wrong), December 2015 i found out everything, i was crushed, he has told this girl that he loved her.

He has been very sweet and is trying so hard in the relationship since December, but i am angry and sad all the time. When he is at work i spend most of the day crying and curling up in bed with netflix. i keep telling myself that i will heal ( i want to stay in the relationship)

I was severely depressed aged 14-18 and i feel that this might be something that is going to put me back in that place. My self confidence has taken a dive since December and i just feel the absolute worst of myself.

[pipsy]

Hi Setting Sail. Your confidence has been really kicked because of his cheating. To blame you, I'm sorry, is common for habitual cheaters. It's easier to blame someone else when we are caught out doing something wrong, than to accept we are to blame ourselves. Your fiancé knew exactly what he was doing. If he doesn't want to commit, he should not be in any relationship. The depression you're experiencing is because he's hurt you. He is always going to be looking for the next person, he is unable to commit to you or anyone. I know you want to stay in the relationship, but, sorry for this, you don't have a relationship, you have an habitual cheater. The longer you stay with him, the more you're going to wonder, when he's not with you, where is he, who is he with. Trust, once it's questioned, never really returns unless you both want the same thing. I'm afraid, but the sooner you give him his walking papers, the better you're going to be. You deserve no less than the love you're willing to give. He loves himself, he's not capable of giving love, because he doesn't know what love is. You sound an extremely loving, warm, caring person, who deserves the best. He is not that person.

Lynda.

[loouuiiee]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you!!

I suspected my ex partner of cheating but never said anything to him, I was hoping to work things out, but he broke up with me by saying he just didn't care about me or love me anymore. after about 6 months apart he came to me saying that he regrets what he said to me, that he loves me and that he wants another chance. I still had feelings for him so I agreed to give him a second chance. i found it really difficult as I still had my doubts about his faithfulness the first time around ... during this 'second chance' relationship phase he treated me really badly & came home one night with a giant mark on his neck (love-bite, hickey ... whatever you want to call them) which he insisted his boss had given to him. I realized that I just didn't trust him. My gut instinct told me that he was lying and months later I found out that his boss' DAUGHTER had fallen pregnant to him ...

What I'm trying to get at is that sometimes once you see signs that someone is cheating, and your instincts tell you that something isn't right it plays on your mind and makes it impossible to feel happy.

You KNOW for a fact your partner has cheated. If it's playing on your mind you may have a tough road ahead trying to change that & building up that trust again.

consider the toll this rough ride may take on you if it is a path you end up on.

i really hope that your partner remains faithful from now on & that you can work on things together, move on and be happy together in the future.

Just please don't let this experience pull you back down the dark hole of depression. Nothing is worth that. You owe it to yourself to be happy above all others and all else.

Be kind to yourself & love yourself always ❤️

i wish you all the best xx

[Zeal]

Hi Setting Sail,

Welcome to the forum!

I fully endorse what Lynda has said. As hard as it is to hear, your fiancé was fully aware of the wrongness of his actions and still deceived you. You deserve absolutely no blame in this whatsoever, and deserve to be in a relationship with someone trustworthy and compassionate. The cheating wasn't a brief or once-off incident, but was occurring for over a year, during which time he hid all of his behaviour. Even though he hasn't directly mistreated you (verbal or physical abuse), this behaviour is destructive, selfish and unacceptable. As Lynda said, he is clearly unable to commit to a relationship. The problem lies with your fiancé, and not you.

Please reach out to family and friends for emotional support. Keeping yourself safe and mentally well is most important.

Please feel welcome to respond to us here on this thread 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[geoff]

dear Setting Sail, oh dear, and I'm sorry but I have to agree with what all the others have to say, I know that this is going to upset you and perhaps disappoint you, but to cheat behind your back for over a year and then to try and be nice towards you is not on, because he will wander once again to any female who looks as though she would be easy enough to hook up with, I'm sorry to say but this has happened on so many ocassions with so many people hoping that they won't get caught, but it's bound to happen, and they believe that they can have their cake and eat it to.
It is really impossible to heal if this relationship stays together, because there will be questions asking him where he has been, and all he will do is lie, and then lie to cover his tracks.
A person like what he is doing can never be trusted, even though you try hard to do this, you will eventually understand that it's not going to work, it never can, and if you want to have a family later on then what type of dad will he be, sorry. Geoff. x