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Hate feeling like this

Community Member

Things have been really hard for me since my husband left (i've shared my story on here) all the things i have found out he was doing when we were together and now he has admitted to having a baby with another women has really pushed me to my lowest ever.

I had everything 4 months ago, a husband, a job, a house and a life and now i feel like i have nothing. I gave up my job and my house and moved to another state to live with my family and now i feel like ive made a mistake giving everything up. I did it because i wasnt coping financially and my depression/anxiety was getting worst and really when i thought about it i really didnt have anything anyway, my husband was the only person i had in my life, i didnt have any real friend's and all my family lived in other states.

Since i moved here 6 weeks ago i feel as though i cant do anything, pretty worthless actually, its a whole new place and i dont know anyone, dont have a job and my family really dont understand what im going through, i feel as though i cant do anything because i live in their house so i spend a fair bit of time in my room which i like because its my own space but sometimes i even feel as though they dont want me here.

I know my mother means well but she makes me feel as though im being lazy, i dont feel mentally ready to jump back into work yet and she makes me feel as though my anxiety is in my head.

I do see a councillor and i do have a medical certificate which is allowing me 3 months to adjust to my new life and to get help in the area i really need it but she thinks thats a long time not to have work. My councillor has told me if i was to go and get work it would push me further back and could make my depression worst, which i really dont want.

I dont want to sit around doing nothing i do plan on doing some kind of volunteer work and a course in something so i can get out there and meet some people and learn new things but i wish my family would stop pushing me and making me feel as though im doing the wrong thing.

All this is new to me i haven't been on my own for 11 years i feel lost and really out of control of my life, its a horrible feel.

1 Reply 1

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi jojo welcome again

You have painted a picture of you marriage- a carbon copy of mine and I think I have some solutions

In 1996 after 11 years (same as you) I was compelled due to emotional abuse, to leave my family home of my first wife. I had two daughters 7 and 4yo. The eldest I'll walk down the aisle next year!!.

So there I was. I had purchased a $1200 3 metre long caravan and towed it to a caravan park. I'd lost- my full time fatherhood (and my children lost that also), my dog, my neighbours, my town, my home. Suddenly I was alone. I, like you, questioned myself. The grief after a couple of weeks grew worse. I was tempted to ask my estranged wife if we could make up. But I returned to the park and spoke to an older man and he said the magic words "don't ever go backwards, if you do in a short time you'll regret it because nothing will change"

He was wise. I've never looked back since. My ex wife has had 3 partner since and all left for the same reasons. One even confided in me for a solution!. "If I had it one would have stayed" I told him.

After 3 months of being miserable I wanted a home. The caravan park was full of separated dads and mums. I didn't want to be a permanent resident in that park. I spotted a block of land and bought it. I spent my free time clearing it of scrub and dreaming of my new home.

As it was my wife and I settled. She got the house and mortgage and I got the large garage that I'd dismantle and place on the said land. I bought a kit home and built it largely myself. Guess what? I had focus and a direction. I had created my new journey. I no longer had the time nor energy to think about the grief. I was also working up to 60 hours a week 12 hours shifts in security.

I had to overcome many hurdles. For example under the previous (very unfair)child support system in the 1990's I was compelled to pay payments based on the previous years earnings and one time had lost my overtime and my second job- appeals took months and left me financially strapped. But I got through.

My message here is- find a direction, a new focus for your new life. Go on dates for some fun. Make it clear you want friendships. Live life!! Accept that some men stray- not all. Find your own residence even if that meant a 3 metre van in a park and have pride....its yours!!

There is a sense of pride to feel when you start afresh.

Good luck with your new life.

Tony WK