Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

I am completely touch starved. I cant remember the last time I got a hug from anyone, I barely have any friends and haven't had that experience of being in a relationship. I am completely on my own and with Christmas around the corner, its only going to get even worse.

I am sick of doing all the work and seeing no fruits of my labours. I am sick of working on myself and seeing no progress only to see others do less than me and get all the rewards (social life, relationship etc.). I have simply had enough and thats why I hate life because it's not for me. Its for everyone else but me.

[Azzdog]

I have spent the last 10 years or more working on being the person who I am today. I have had to repeatedly justify either my positions or even my very existence to so many people over the years that I am finally at my tether with it all. I am sick of being gaslit about lots of struggling relationships out there when there are plenty out there that are working. The examples you describe are ones where they have clearly overextended themselves. I wouldn't want to live in a grand house or with expensive cars or have kids going to fancy private schools. I dont mind living a bit of a Spartan life, I just want the opportunity to demonstrate my worth to someone else and that has never looked like happening.

It annoys me off to no end seeing the countless numbers of people who have not done nearly the work I have had to do to be where I am today. I was once selectively mute and couldn't even speak to girls at all. At one point, I could barely speak to anyone as my brain would shut down completely. I had no idea why this was the case and I spent the next 15 years wondering why I couldn't speak to anyone properly and why I found socialising really challenging. It was only this year that I finally realised why I struggle with dating. I had undiagnosed ADHD/ASD. I had been compensating for this for the best part of 15 years where if it had been identified, then I could have been treated for it and I could be in a better place than what I am now. 

This is the work I have had to do to just survive on this planet and I am yet to have the opportunity to actually live the life I want to live. I am still not sure what I am meant to do with my ASD/ADHD now. I dont know how to build proper social skills. I have tried the various ASD/ADHD websites but I never hear back from them.

This is the reason why women have never acknowledged my existence or why I am routinely ignored by everyone. I am trying my very best and I keep getting ignored all the time. I am tired of having to justify myself time and time again and I still get misunderstood, dismissed, invalidated, or brushed aside. I have had enough of it.

[P12]

Hi Azzdog,

When I read your posts I feel sad because I honestly think you are more socially aware than me. Recently I have been feeling stressed and confused and I often wish I understood social situations better so my distress would disappear. I keep trying to improve.

From P12.

[Azzdog]

I wish I understood social situations better too because I dont know why I get rejected all the time. If I was more socially aware then maybe I could improve on this area of mine. Yet I cant and I keep getting stuck and I have no one helping me as to what I could do better.

[Azzdog]

I am not great in big groups but in small groups or one-on-one I am pretty good at holding conversations. I think the main issue has probably been that I treat a date like two friends catching up rather than an actual date. It's this weird balancing act that I find is totally unclear where they want you to take things slowly but also be really assertive at the same time. Both of those things are in conflict and can only be negotiated with clear communication, something that isn't done well in the 21st century.

Now, I tend to be very clear and upfront from the get-go about my expectations because I think that is important. I tend to state that I can be a little awkward initially but overtime will get more comfortable. I have found that doesn't really work at all. I have even tried to do some nice things for them like buy them their favourite dessert before we meet to show that I have been listening to them as we have been talking. I have even practiced my assertiveness to be better at expression but it keeps falling on its head.

What people never say or admit is how much of dating is luck. I think thats why it gets to their heads a little bit when they try to give you advice because they dont realise it themselves. 

There is a crisis of confidence in men in the 21st century that our society refuses to acknowledge or admit to. Its this reason that affects how men are perceived in the dating world so quiet introverted men like me get pushed to the periphery and are not seen as having any utility whatsoever. I honestly think its why we are seeing so many young men moving to the right on the political spectrum because the right is the only side of the spectrum that is (nominally) saying anything related to mens health. I sincerely dont believe the right gives a damn about mens health but it shows just how barren mens support is that men will go to anyone just for that superficial feeling of feeling supported.

[Azzdog]

Another exceptionally rough night. Been reading and listening to a lot of stuff about incels it seems to be the only stuff that I can relate to in this current environment.

[Azzdog]

More often then not I dont compare myself to others but I go through phases like today where I just feel so down hearted. I have a colleague of mine who is taking the day off tomorrow to go into the city with her partner and just make a day of it. This where I feel so left out and where I feel there is an entire world out there that is inaccessible to me. That's where I get so sad about this where I am trying os hard but I cannot get anywhere with anyone.

I dont want one off sessions on the phone with someone I will never talk to again. There is so much context to explain that I dont have the time to express everything. I have called Mensline before where they were incredibly unhelpful (most callback services have been on this issue which is why I believe something must be done to help single people deal with these issues. No one has a clue on how to talk about this stuff).

[Azzdog]

I have never had a woman say I am undesirable but the fact that they put so little effort in me is testament to how uninterested they are in me. There are men out there who put so little effort in and get so much more out of it than me. There are men out there who get away with cheating, manipulation, and responsibility/accountability and still have women lining up for them. I dont do any of that and no-one puts any effort into me.

I have heard of core beliefs. I have been working on them for over 10 years now and it still doesn't help. I want to just have more practical solutions and support on this issue and I dont know where else to turn. I feel so angry and upset all the time. I feel so frustrated and alone all the time. I HAVE TRIED SO DAMN HARD AND ALL I KEEP HEARING FROM OTHERS IS TRY THIS AND TRY THAT AND I HAVE DONE ALL OF THOSE THINGS FOR YEARS.

There is no support for single people because no one cares about us and the assumption is that everyone just gets into relationships. The standards that women have now is through the proverbial roof right now that only the top 1% of men can get there. Do people want to know why more young men are turning right wing? Because the left has abandoned them and keeps telling they are all predators and terrible people. 

I need so much help on this stuff but everything is inaccessible, expensive, or I am just not capable enough no matter how hard I try.

[Azzdog]

my life is so terrible

[Azzdog]

this life is terrible, I am 30 and yet here I am struggling to do anything I cant live I struggle to do anything I cant I cant do much I dont know where to go from here all women hate me and thats why I am lonely I hate this so much