Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[HamSolo01]

hey james1

well said !

[Azzdog]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for the support. I don’t know how to word it properly but I’m struggling with the idea that I won’t be able to have a relationship.

The reason is because I have a language deficiency along with social anxiety. This means women interpret me as having a confidence problem when it’s more of a “I don’t know how to express myself using language here so I’m just going to be quiet or else say something and trip over my words”.

I don’t know what to do with my autism. I also don’t want to go back to hospital because it’s so expensive and because they don’t care about me

[HamSolo01]

hi Azzdog

good to see you dude its been a while

The relationship stuff - dude i empathise with you. I myself am struggling with that theme and more and more guys i speak to are as well. I can only talk to my own experiences in the end but i just want to say i know what it feels like.

Don't take this in any particular way as I am only spitballing this idea your way - do you think you want a relationship to care and find out about the other person or to try and not feel lonely? Reason I ask is because I feel for me it is the latter. This isn't to say that I shouldn't try to find one, it's just that I need to know this about myself before looking into it again.

Just keen for your insight on that one.

Confidence is hard to fake. I was out last night and saw many people around who were confident. I am wondering how much of it is genuine. Quiet confidence is a quality worth possessing I think.

My friend I hope to hear from you soon.

- Hams

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

I don't have any answers to what you are saying. And when left alone with our thoughts it's easy to go to the worst case scenario - at least for me. At the same time I know you have been in a relationship and perhaps it's a case of that other person getting to know you as you are and accept that wholly?

[HamSolo01]

Agreed smallwolf and well said

[Azzdog]

Hey,

To answer your question Ham, I would say both but I don't think wanting a relationship to feel less lonely is a bad thing. It is a basic human need and EVERYONE who is in a relationship has felt this.

Dating apps are useless. I will never go on them again. Tim, I think that is the only way it will happen. The problem is that I feel that my relationships lack the patience I need for someone like me.  That is why I am resigned to the fact that it won't happen.

Sorry if this message seems abrupt. It genuinely took me a whole hour to write this as my processing ability is shot to pieces.

[smallwolf]

on patience...

that other person (the right person) will have the patience required?

(A young man is in a relationship with a young lady. Everything seems OK from the outside. However, their goals do not match up - she wants certain things by certain stages in her life. The young man is criticized for many things and his mental health suffers as a result of this. Should he stay in this relationship?)

I have another story of a happily single woman in her 60s.

I think it is fair to say that you and I know what a relationship should look like. And while you may be resigned to the "fact" at the moment, this does not the mean it cannot or won't happen.

[HamSolo01]

hey smallwolf in that example - i have a solution

they really need to start talking to each other about how they feel and abandon any fake projections and shed the mask

i feel society does not want to accept who we are and i think the only answer is to be honest. It's perfectly okay if the girl wants certain things by certain stages. It's also perfectly okay if the guy is struggling - it's okay to not be okay after all. But clearly both need to talk to each other.

A point of clarity too here fellas - not implying by my earlier comment that wanting to be in a relationship so you are not lonely is bad. I said that we need to know if that is the reason why before we do look for one. Many don't ask that question and end up in traumatic situations. I've hung out and dated some girls who did that and no one is better off I think. I don't think that being or not being in relationships in your past is a litmus test because we are complex people and we bring so much with us in the end.

[james1]

Hey Aaron,

Wanting a relationship to feel less lonely definitely isn't a bad thing. It's very normal and nothing is wrong with that, though it can make us feel really bad sometimes. Still, as hamsolo put it really well, we are complex people and bring so much with us. It makes relationships, even just friendly ones, really challenging. As you say Aaron, patience can really help connections but it can be hard to find.

I've also kind of given up on searching for a relationship because it often feels like a bit of a pointless aim. I'm looking for someone quite specific I think, and I imagine others are also doing that too. So I try instead to focus on my other relationships, especially with my pets, to at least help deal with the loneliness that being single can bring.

I hope you're doing okay today

James

[Azzdog]

Since it has been 5 years from when this post first started, I decided to go back through the early messages and see what progress I have made.

I believe I have made a lot of progress over the years and I feel my ability to regulate my emotions has improved tenfold. I believe I have improved my social skills, my capacity to express myself, and my ability to take initiative particularly as I deal with moody teenagers for a living.

I honestly think these things are reasons for celebration and I have given myself a big pat on the back for it. I honestly regret some of the things I have said here and would definitely handle things differently if I had my time again.

I say these things because I don't think I focus on the good parts, I tend to focus more on the negative.

I still feel exhausted as I feel like I am learning different kinds of social cues and social skills at a much later age than most people. My sense of optimism for the future about having a relationship is at an all time low, and I just feel numb about it. I feel like I am past the point of feeling sad about it and I just feel empty and despondent. 

The idea of identifying the positive changes I have made is important to articulate because I need to remind myself that I am improving, I just wish I could articulate that to others. I just wish others knew hard I have working on myself since I was 16/17 when I was practically mute. Now I am a secondary school teacher. I don't think anyone from my old school would recognise me now.

I just wish I was better at being social. I don't know why I have been dealt with this hand.