Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim and Mitch,

I think the best I could, for now, is to show support and understanding that I KNOW what that is like to go through. I think that may be all I can say as this forum has its limitations. It is difficult to really go beyond but just talk and exchange thoughts and ideas. That's something I admit to. I think it would be easier for us to communicate in person.

I am and I am forming friendships with the group. So far so good.

I try to do that every now and then. Sometimes I find some people are either so stunned by the question or are not really interested. The "Bob Dylan vs Justin Bieber" question is amazing to me. I wonder how Bob would feel being compared to Bieber.

Hey Mitch,

I do take your point about your experiences and I do appreciate you being so candid in responding and sharing. I guess experiences are all subjective and we all have different biases built in. I would never rule it out, I did meet some really good psychiatrists in the psychiatric ward I was in, but I don't see myself doing it in the short term. There is still a lot of unresolved stuff from at least three psychiatrists that still bother me greatly.

I think, for now, it is getting fitter and into shape. I have stalled a bit in the last few weeks but I need to lose weight, for me. I keep feeling run down and I sense it is because I am a little overweight and I am not eating properly. That is where I can start first.

I am very unhappy about it. I don't think it will ever be solved until I have a meaningful relationship, but I want my resolve back again and that I can tolerate these thoughts like I used to.

I am back writing music again. That normally helps when I can get something down that is mine and that I used my time productively.

Thanks my friend, deep down I know that too but I have my days when I genuinely believe it.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Azzdog,

Just popping in to let you know I'm still following your journey, even if I haven't posted for a bit. I'm glad you are getting back into your music & that you are feeling well enough to try to eat better & care for your health. I know you have been in rough seas these last few days & hope that you are beginning to see a light (however small) toward a safe harbour.

Paw Prints

[Azzdog]

Hey Paw Prints,

Thank you for staying with me regardless. I appreciate that and certainly don't take anyone here for granted. I know I can be difficult to talk to sometimes but its good to know you all see past the anger and take me for who I truly am.

I am currently writing a dance music song, in the vain of New Order (one of New Order's album covers is my profile picture). I have never written a dance song before because originally I didn't like that type of music. But that was because I had listened to contemporary dance music, the pioneers did it better.

[Azzdog]

So I found out some news today that was a bit of a blow.

I had put in an application to join a group at Headspace in December of last year. I had been confirmed to do it a couple of weeks ago and I had talked with the person who is running yesterday just to double check how I am going. I got told today that I won't be allowed to participate in it as I have done it before and they want others to take part first. Thats a fair point.

The reason it has made me upset is that they waited until less than a week to tell me. So, as you can imagine, I am feeling despondent and rejected right now. It's just not fair to do that to someone.

[Paw Prints]

Hi Azzdog,

I agree that while it's reasonable that they should want 1st timers to have a chance, there should have been some mention in the enrolment form that it was only for new attendees or if they bump people off the list if they get enough 1st timers that should also have been made clear at the out set too. Leaving it so late was simply rude.

Confession time here, I had to google New Order 🙂 The name was vaguely familiar, but I don't really remember them, their being a post 70s band probably has something to do with it. I must have heard their music & may have even enjoyed some of their songs, I often hear songs I like without having the foggiest idea of who performed it.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Back again. Agree about the limitations of chatting in a forum space, but that is what we have... so have to work with that. *shrugs shoulders*

I was watching a TED talk on rejection. A guy did an experiment of 100 days of looking for rejection. He explained how he was able to turn around a rejection into what could be described as a conversion. For example, and I cannot remember what the lead-up was, but his reply to the other guy was "yeah, it's a bit weird isn't it" and with that like was able to get what he wanted. he also made videos of the entire experience, not that I have seen them. Part of his reason was a result of the sense of shame he felt as a 6 year old and the experiment (originally something from rejectiontherapy.com) was his was to overcoming rejection.

Not exactly sure what you might get from that little story above, but if nothing else, this guy who was shy, was able to learn or work out the communication and social skills he was looking for. Now it may not be this easy for everyone, but he crossed over that bridge. And I am hopeful that given time, you will also cross that bridge I continually refer to.

I am also happy for you that you are starting to create friendships at the GROW group.

Fwiw, I know the band "New Order". While I did not follow them, they were on many music shows when I was teen. I was into Van Halen and Ozzy at the time.

Tim

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Today I came upon another user with relationship issues similar to you. I know that you think you might be only person, but there are others on the forum also. I started a thread here...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/singles-support-on-bb#qs5qdXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Please have a look and perhaps get the ball rolling so that we can all help each other? What do you think.

Tim

PS. I am also trying to the other users I have responded to so that small group could be created.

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim and Paw Prints,

Thanks for getting that off the ground Tim. I think that will be a good idea in the long run.

Interesting story about that guy dealing with rejection. It sounds like he is trying to look at it from a different perspective. That is something I can do every now and then, but I have my days unfortunately.

Yeah it does suck Paw Prints but one of the employees of HeadSpace contacted me about it and I am meeting her for coffee next Thursday. To see what other options I have in regards to groups.

New Order weren't the most charismatic band ever which is probably why their name doesn't resonate with everyone. But they did have an enormous impact on the eighties. I am also now listening to Howard Jones. My musical tastes are going in some weird directions right now haha

[Azzdog]

So I am deciding to change therapists.

It has been a long time coming but I believe that I can no longer see him as I am not convinced that he is able to convey enough empathy over my predicament.

There are a couple of reasons why I am making this decision. The first one is too long to describe so I will just leave that out. The other reason why is because I don't think he understands how lucky he is to be married. He said to me, the other day, that it is possible that I will never have a relationship. The problem I have here is that I don't like the way he words it. It doesn't fill me with hope and optimism for the future and the way he says it just smacks of privilege. That is what a relationship is. Privilege. I don't know if I will ever experience that privilege but I need my psychologist, or therapist, to counter that thought more and to provide me with more hope. I also feel we are not really getting anywhere and our sessions are really a waste of time sometimes.

I am convinced of this (it is a hypothesis that I have come up with) that people in relationships are more likely to show more signs of: dismissiveness and condescension, and are less likely to show empathy to people who feel they may never be in one. The last two years has been really enlightening actually. Mental health practitioners are not good at talking about this stuff. Some of them are clueless.

I would like to see that as a scientific study. I would be very curious to see the results.

I have taken a significant turn downwards. Life is pretty crap right now. I don't see where life will change.

[Doolhof]

Hi Azzdog,

Maybe a new therapist might be an idea, it can be helpful to receive advice, guidance and ideas from another person.

One thing to consider is how easy will it be to find another person to assist you? How long might you need to wait to see someone else? How will you cope if there is some time between the old person and the new?

As I live in a rural setting, it is not that easy to pick and choose and there are long waiting periods.

One thing I have realised is that all therapists, Drs. psychologist and so on are all human as well. As humans we have limitations.

I'm not sure it is the therapists job to tell us what we want to hear, but to help us deal with the truth and with reality. Hopefully they can lead us and guide us to better outcomes for ourselves.

As a person who has been in a relationship for over 30 years, I would like to believe that I have empathy and caring for my friends who are not in relationships and desire to be so.

There have been times when I have cried with girlfriends when they have shared their heartaches about being alone. It is true, I am not alone, that does not mean I can't acknowledge, validate and consider how they must be feeling.

At times some of them have said they would rather be alone than in a relationship such as some people have.

Being in a relationship does not always mean you are happy.

Hope you have something meaningful planned for Sunday.

Cheers from Dools