Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

I agree that they help us deal with truth and reality but to imply that there is a chance I will die alone is dangerous. These are the reasons why I have been to hospital. Being a little more proactive and celebrating the traits that I have rather than inadvertently valid the negative thoughts I have is simply not good enough. He knows better than that but I am tired of having these conversations with him. I had a therapist who was much better at conveying and inspiring hope rather than being like him. I deserve better.

To answer your first questions about the time inbetween changing therapists, hopefully I will have more information on Monday. I really can't say how long it will be.

I am glad you are able to validate and show empathy for your friends and their fears about never having relationships. I never implied you were of the aforementioned in my previous post. I just said its more likely. I still stand by what I said as I have had some bad interactions with some people on this subject.

"You just have to accept the fact that you will die alone and no one will ever love you" - a crisis support worker told me that AFTER she revealed she had kids and was married. I will never forget that.

[Azzdog]

"It is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all".

I'd rather have a crack at being in a relationship and have you all say "I told you so" than my current predicament. I want to know what love feels like. It seems to a pretty good feeling since it is all over movies, tv, and music, and most people on this specific forum are all in one.

I know that some relationships are not healthy but I still feel that at least those people have physical and intrinsic qualities that are attractive.

What do I have? Seriously, what attractive qualities do I have that a woman would seriously like and find attractive?

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

Typing this on phone so you will have to excuse the brevity of this...

I remember in a previous conversation with you we spoke about your qualities, including love and knowledge of history, interesting (in a good way) taste in music, etc.

It is not helped by the fact that I don't know much about the dating scene these days....

The real reason for this post is to introduce you to MisterM whose thread is

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/single-never-been-in-a-relationship-feeling-like-there-is-no-escape-from-my-hell

If you look at his latest post, perhaps reply?

Can I ask what you are looking for in a therapist? You mentioned one who inspired hope and then saying you deserve better. Just curious.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

Thanks for replying and responding to my question. Thats what I think too and yet I keep getting rejected for men I don't have a lot of respect for or think much of. I don't really understand what my problem is.

I had a look at his post and I have replied, thanks for sharing.

I actually have a specific therapist in mind but I will hopefully find out early this week if she is available and has space to accomodate me. She is an art therapist and I am thinking that I will get more out of that than just straight talking therapy which is so exhausting. I also feel I am not getting anything out of it anymore either.

[Doolhof]

Hi Azzdog,

I agree with you, it can be detrimental to our improvement if we are not encouraged or offered ways to advance ourselves and to be provided possible ideas of how to reach our goals.

Hopefully you can learn to let go of the negatives and unhelpful comments you have received. I know it is difficult to do!

I attended grief counselling only to be told that I should be thankful my babies died as children are horrible! That was from a grief consultant my Dr sent me to who is a mother. So yes, I do understand some people say really inappropriate things.

Movies, songs, poetry, paintings and so many other medias certainly do portray relationships as being wonderful, special, loving, caring and just what you need in life. I also understand your point about wanting to be in a relationship, to be able to experience it.

Looking in from the outside can be tough. I have seen so many people with children, something I will never have.

I hope you will be able to connect with the next person whom you see and hope they are able to help you.

A friend recently started Art Therapy and found it to be very helpful and effective. Hope it works for you.

Cheers from Dools

[Azzdog]

Hey Dools,

Yep, thats what I am planning to do. Get in touch with an art therapist who does all that. She is much more hopeful and just knows how to say the right things that keeps me motivated and confident things will change.

Thats horrible. I can't believe she would say such a thing. It is lacking in empathy, understanding and compassion. And she is a mother! How do people like that in end up in the jobs they have now? As a mental health practitioner you need to be able to convey empathy. That is a standard criterion you need to make sure you have checked off.

I appreciate you revealing this part of your story. It must be hard to have to deal with that everyday. I have a friend who is currently going through something very similar. She is infertile and the chances of her having a baby are next to nothing. It truly is heartbreaking to hear her say that because I know she would make an excellent mother. She says the same thing about me in terms of having a relationship. She thinks I would make a great boyfriend. It is something we talk about every now and then.

I wonder if I can ask, how do you go about dealing with it everyday? Do you have particular strategies that help you see things that could upset you? I hope I am not overstepping the mark with that.

[Doolhof]

Hi Azzdog,

I am pleased to know you are there to support your friend and she is understanding of your situation as well.

You have not over stepped the mark at all in asking your question on how I cope. Some days I don't cope so well at all! Christmas is my worst time as there is so much in the media about families at Christmas and people say that Christmas is for children.

Our families have not come to our home for Christmases either as they told us we have no children so no point in them joining us.

In many ways I am luckier than you in regards to your issue Azzdog, as I have been able to borrow other people's children and they have brought me great joy. I looked after friend's children, nieces and nephews and ran a Playgroup for a few years and worked in child care.

I have cried ocean's of tears, my arms have felt so empty at times and my heart has felt shattered. At those times I try to recall all the wonderful times I have had with children and how very blessed I am. It is not always easy!

Now I am over 50, my friends are sharing stories of grand children, so that is like a whole new loss for me, or I can try to be happy for them and enjoy their stories and photos of their grand children.

It can be really tough when you don't have what your heart desires and you see other people with what you want.

My reality is I am not the mother of live children. I need to find ways to deal with that or allow myself to be consumed by grief, loss, bitterness and regrets. I don't want to feel those things any more.

Sometimes when I am with people with children, I am smiling on the outside and shattered on the inside!

My thoughts are with you Azzdog and also with your friend. Regards from Dools

[HamSolo01]

Hey Azzdog and Doolhof too.

Azzdog, I noticed a recurring theme in a lot of what you write. Don't take what I'm about to say the wrong way please as it's me being open and honest.

I get the impression you place a lot of value on relationships. Hear me out in this.

It's great that people are committed and united in that. I think the fact that the divorce rate is high is a sign people aren't taking relationships seriously enough and treat them as cheap thrills.

However at the same time I believe we need to balance that with reality. It's tough work. It's a commitment after all. But I don't think viewing people in relationships with any greater significance than anyone else is the way to solve the problems you and I face

I know what you mean when you say it. I just don't think it's helpful or useful. I don't think seeing things as privilege vs on privilege is useful either.

Be that as it may.

One risks reducing their ability to improve a situation they are in if they see the problem as insurmountable. I know that from experience.

As for therapy it's really good if you think you need it. It's not that good if you think you dont need it. In the end therapy is a tool to help you.
But never be afraid to ask for help from a therapist. I'm curious what you meant by the recent experience you had and the person not showing enough empathy. How much empathy do you require?

I think I get what you mean but I'm not sure.

I'll leave it there for now.

Take care bud

[Azzdog]

Hey Dools,

I think it is inspiring to hear how you handle things. You handle things with a lot more maturity than I do. Only today I had another episode, they tend to happen frequently now.

I understand you reservations on Christmas as well. I don't like that time of year either as it is marketed for families and children. It can be so depressing to get through that time of the year.

I hope you continue to remain strong Dools, it is amazing to see what kind of positive attitude you display here on BB despite battling thoughts of grief and loss. I hope to be able to develop that mindset someday.

Hey Mitch,

I appreciate your honesty and I am happy to reply.

I agree with your opinion on divorce rates. I think its 50% now(?) It really does show that no one values it as much as they used to.

I do have my moments where I don't have a problem with relationships, if that is surprising. It is just sensory overload at times. It is literally everywhere where marketing tools end up telling you that "you are pathetic. Get yourself together and find a relationship". That's when I lose it.

Sometimes I can't stop thinking of it as privilege because... well... it is. You have to earn it, it isn't given to you. And I don't always think anyone really gives me the chance anyway to show that I can be trusted.

About the empathy question, my psychologist is inadvertently validating concerns that I have that I will die alone. He leaves it open that it may never happen. A psychologist that I had before him said this "I am very confident you will find a relationship because I think you have a lot of amazing personality traits and I really believe in you" and other variations of that. She wasn't offering false promises but it sounded inspiring and it really made me feel that I can make it happen. Thats all I really need to be honest.

[Doolhof]

Hi Azzdog,

I believe we all need to feel validated, our issues acknowledged and to be listened to respectfully, even if the other person doesn't really understand what we are experiencing.

Sometimes, for what ever reason, that does not happen, or maybe not as we hope it would.

Over time I have learnt there is so much that I can do to help myself. I do acknowledge when I become sad, I allow the tears to flow, then I try to find something positive in my situation.

One huge positive is my willingness to change my circumstances. I don't need to be miserable and bitter filled with regrets.

I can accept I will never be a Mum and realise being a Mum is not the only worthwhile pursuit for a woman. I have been able to love and care for many children over the years and to feel joy while doing so.

We can read into advertising and social media what ever we want. Seeing happy families portrayed can break my heart, it can also make me feel happy that "love and caring" are being portrayed. If it is real or not is another question.

I can find different ways to have my life fulfilled. There are so many exciting, wonderful, different experiences to be had. If I shut myself away, closed to the world, I will not receive any of those blessings!

Hopefully you can see all of the good that is in you Azzdog and show some of that to the world around you! Be bold. Step out and fill yourself with love for yourself and that will reflect on how you see others in this sometimes crazy world of ours.

Cheers to you from Dools