Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron. Sounds like you are on a pretty rough patch atm. I can see this and also hear this in what you write.

My psych appointment was good. We spoke about something that I believe you could be interested in and also find helpful. It's a phenomenon that social psychology speaks of. It's the healthy normal and the dysfunctional normal.

Put simply, the healthy normal is a societal value or group based focus that we as individuals consider to be the most ideal value. The same is true for dysfunctional normal which basically the same thing but it's negative. In a nutshell you have your individual self and you are responding and interacting with either of these two phenomenon.

So. The topic of sex and intimacy. Me and my psych discussed this at length. If we perceive the healthy normal as one thing (in this case the casualisation of sex and intimacy, hook up culture, etc) and we don't fall into this category then we end up feeling worse. It becomes a source for discontent and neurotic thought patterns. Throwing a spanner in the works basically.

However if we apply the same example of intimacy and sex to dysfunctional normal then the opposite is true. We have a healthier attitude towards ourselves.

Guess what? The results are largely in favour of dysfunctional normal. Why? Because sex is about power now. Not entirely of course. But it ms strongly correlated with power. My psych mentioned some guy who is famous and I forgot his name. But he's one of those instagram celebrities. He poses with all these women and yet it's not even about the women. It's about an ego trip. More or less an adolescent fantasy.

[HamSolo01]

I am interested in what you saoud about left of centre. Do you mean politically? Or are you meanjng like "out of left field" a bit out there a bit different etc?

If it's a political thing then don't worry about it. Your political conviction says nothing about your masculinity or how you fit in with other guys and the dating environment. Joe Rogan is a pretty left of centre guy and he's a unit lol. It really doesn't matter.

Anyways. I hope the example of what I spoke with my psych about can help you a bit

In all honesty I think you express some normal concerns and they are important to air. If people feel offended by what you say then tgey aren't listening I don't think. It's not about them it's about you.

I'm happy to talk about it. I used to be a ref for gods sake haha. I can handle screaming matches.

But in all seriousness just keep on seeking help. I said to my psych yesterday that I was bored of my mental health after six years. I'm glad I get hel and sort it out. But it's just a boring thing now. Maybe that's because I am moving on. I'm not sure. But it is what it is.

Keep on keeping on man.

Peace

[Quercus]

Hi Aaron,

No idea how to word this kindly or gently. Given you are in a bad place perhaps I should just stay silent. But then I figured if noone says anything how will you know?

There are times when I need to be told I am self sabotaging because I cannot see it myself. That is what I have been seeing in your posts at times. Yep your circumstances make you feel miserable. Nothing seems to help.

But there is a fine line between feeling frustrated and disappointed and feeling bitter and lashing out. I think you have seen it too given you apologised to Tim for seeming angry.

I wonder if you might read this article I found? It might not help but it is worth a try.

https://www.gutsygeek.com/you-can-be-bitter-about-women-or/

Mitch has it spot on... Just keep trying and throw the generalisations and stats out the window. Generalisations are offputting! What person wants to be told because they are a woman they statistically must want an "alpha" male who treats them like shit? Generalisations like that can feel like you are number not a human being with your own individuality. Doesn't everyone want to be seen as special and unique by a potential lover?

You don't have to love yourself. You already do recognise that you have features that are worthwhile and that IS confidence.

Sorry in advance for the rant. What is happening with your music lately?

Nat

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron (waves to Quercus),

It's OK. You don't need to apologies for expressing your views. Today with my psychologist we did a challenging exercise on something that was bothering me. As usual I tick all the boxes when it comes to cognitive distortions and one of these over generalization. In my case, because of something that one person said, it must be true for everyone. She ask me whether everyone is like that and I replied NO, that I get complimented and thanked by other people. I described it as thank you's are small (comparatively speaking) , and this negative comment is like a giant black cloud that smashes everything else. For me it takes time, and suspect for you to.

You talked about sex being a power thing.... it was like that 2000 years ago in ancient cultures where there was masters and slaves and patronage exist between classes/people in the hierarchy. Some things change, some don't.

My son watches MAFS. Anyway, I watched it last night with him. Perhaps in a sarcastic was I described it was educational as an example of what NOT to do. And it also relates to the comment that Nat made about alpha males.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

Yeah I am currently in the midst of an awful patch. I'm also not feeling great as I had a busy week and felt really run down.

It's interesting that you should bring up that topic, and I thank you for it. I am currently trying to help two friends of mine who are in a relationship and it is really dysfunctional at the moment. Like really really dysfunctional. I am under no illusions that there plenty more out there like this. The question for me still remains, what do I have to do? Or why is rejection so common place for me?

I think its always been about power. Or its had strong connotations towards power and dominance.

Yeah I know who you are referring to. I won't say his name here because that's essentially what gives him his publicity. But yeah I can't stand him because he represents everything wrong with society today. He has built his profile from nothing but being vapid and vain. His life doesn't have any meaning and it isn't something to strive for.

Oh when I said left of centre I meant in terms of the values and principles I have, discounting politics. I am left wing in terms of politics but that doesn't bother me. It's more my attitude towards millennial culture and my rejection of it that makes me feel more comfortable with who I am. But I am still depressed about the future because most people my age I meet tend to have accepted that culture, for better or for worse.

One of my favourite singers, Jaz Coleman, described millennials as a bunch of "cretinous zombies". I don't think we all are but I think the most vocal are most definitely that. The rebelliousness of the punk movement from the 70s has evaporated and there seems to be a lot of ignorance about politics and the world as a whole.

I am just sick of living like this. I guess I am not bored but just stuck in the same place I was 14 or so years ago. The only difference since then is that I have a BA and have a well developed personality. But if you don't have the charisma then most millennials are just not interested.

[Azzdog]

Hi Quercus,

I understand where you are coming from when you say I am self-sabotaging myself. I know I can get angry and its a part of myself that I do feel ashamed about it. I am working on it.

I guess what I was referring to was not that it is statistically likely that a woman wants an alpha male or someone that treats them badly , I was questioning why that happens? Well, I'm aware of the psychology behind it but what does it say about me? I am of the firm belief that relationships are taken for granted by society. It would definitely explain why divorce rates are like 50%. People rush into them because the pressure of society is so great that they end up with someone that is not for them.

I have had an immensely bad week seeing people I went to school with get married and I am still in my childhood bedroom which hasn't changed for like 22 years.

This is what I genuinely believe (and I don't want anyone to think I am being arrogant or full of myself, far from it).

I think any woman who rejects me is missing out.

Why?

- I am honest, transparent, respectful, thoughtful, resourceful, and interesting.

- I have a dry sense of humour (I know that doesn't appeal to everyone but I have gotten a lot of feedback on it that it is appealing).

- I am career driven and I know where I want to be in life.

- I have strong values and principles.

- I have a variety of hobbies and interests.

Like seriously? What more could a potential girlfriend want? if that's not enough then I guess its not me thats the problem is it? It's her. Like I said, I am not trying to say I am perfect but I think that I am a good catch. There aren't many guys like me out there so It must be that she doesn't really know what she wants if she rejects me. So then it can't be my fault then.

That's my rant out of the way.

My music? I wrote a song the other day dealing with the aforementioned stuff. I have also started to teach a friend of mine to play guitar as well. I have been diving more into the first wave of punk and have discovered a cool band called Wire. It has given me impetus to write more arty punk songs that have sweeter melodies than just the straight three chord thrash that I am used to listening to. I have a really good idea that needs working on though.

[Azzdog]

Hi Tim,

Thanks for understanding that I wasn't upset at you.

I have lived with cognitive distortions for ever I think. I am beginning to over come them but it is still a challenge that I think I will have to deal with for some time to come.

Yep I agree with that. It still is today unfortunately and it will never change most like.

I can't stand that show. In fact, I can't stand all reality tv shows because the irony is: they all do not contain reality. It is all fake and fabricated and scripted. So I don't have any time for it. I think with a show like MAFS, you have to understand that there is no way to determine how real it actually is. So nothing substantial can be learned from it to apply in real life.

[Azzdog]

Well I have collapsed big time.

It seems like the freaking standards that women set for me are freaking unattainable compared to what they set for other men.

Maybe I should head for the moon soon to start colonising it?

Maybe I should start working out how to cure cancer?

It wouldn't matter even if I did because I would get no credit for it and I would be treated like scum still.

I am sick of seeing people I went to school with get married. WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?!?!

And I don't want to hear anyone say "you just have to love yourself". What more can I possibly do? I have done so much in the past seven years to build a personality and values and principles but I still get pushed over and rejected because I am clearly an ugly piece of shit and someone who has a hideous and disgrace personality.

I have simply had enough. I don't know what women want. They clearly want me to be some kind of god.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

There is a lot pain on frustration in your latest posts. If you don't mind me saying ... in one of your previous posts you mentioned the difficulties you faced in talking to someone from the board games group. I too would have problems initiating a conversation in that sort of setting. More recently you asked whether it was socially acceptable to ask a couple how they met.

I also wonder if you are venting, or looking for advice or a bit of both? And I hope you don't mind if ask more questions...

• Are you still going to board games group?

• Have you looked at joining any of the groups at Uni?

• Have you spoken to any of your friends about this situation?

It is really easy to say "be kind to yourself" or "stop comparing yourself to others" but harder to do. But this is where we have to start. There is a fair bit of negativity in your latest post. I had to write down things I would look forward to for my psychologist, and was supposed to be positive things. My immediate thought was death, which I would write down. But I would then cross out that word and write life. Something more positive!

There are certain barriers in your way. And I am unsure how long it will take. But I will stay with you, and listen and support you while you are here.

Peace,

Tim

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron.

Just thought I'd drop in as I haven't seen you around for a while and I haven't been on here either.

I can sense a lot of the frustration and anger towards yourself, society and women and also maybe other things that you have mentioned.

Do you currently have an outlet for that frustration? Personally I have found that gym can be good for this. I went this morning and I'm now in a state of peace. Almost like meditation.

Just a thought.

I guess I also see what you are saying about standards. It can seem that we need to be man gods at times. Like those ancient Greek God statues you see in museums. But here's the thing... Even those gods were fallible. They weren't divine. They were all too human. I think says a lot about modernisation and the obsession with how others perceive us.

As to people getting married. Yep. I'm on the boat. I don't understand why people get married at such a young age. I think it's a mix of anxiety over the future (ie desire to raise a family) and also trying to conform to some norm (which is completely a matter of opinion anyway).

I used to get angsty or angry over people getting married at a young age. However I realised that responding like that really does nothing other than wallow into a spiral of self pity.

As for more attainable goals, the realm of dating and making friends with girls was the way I went about it.

I think I've mentioned before that I went to a co Ed school but had no female friends. After school I realised that had to change if I wanted any hope of actually getting a girlfriend or even just going a date.

One thing I would say to you as well is that it's not just genetics or attraction. A LARGE part of it is actually chemistry. Personality matching. Rapport. These things that make us humans and not mere products of another's gratification.

I only ever saw one episode of married at first sight. The amount of CRAP that it produced was amazing to me. I mean who'd of thought that marriage at first sight wouldn't work? Based on 'science'. Yep....

If I can't detect it, I'm being really sarcastic. That's something that I've actually grown to appreciate about myself. Even cynical humour or dark humour is something I like. It's just part of my personality now.

Anyways. I'm not sure if any of this is helpful.

Take care mate