Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

So I have hit another road block today.

I tried to do a group at my local headspace. Just before it started I saw two people were also going to do it as well. They were a couple. It killed me on the inside. It broke me down completely and made me feel like this is never going to happen. I left because I felt so broken over how this aint going to happen to me.

I also saw someone that I went to school with get engaged.

I am still living at home with my parents.

I am struggling to find things to do because a lot of them are out of my age range and I am struggling to find groups to join.

I seriously need help to find other things to do because I don't know what to do anymore. '

I have strong values and principles but I can't showcase them if I can't find anything to do.

I feel really broken right now.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

If you don't mind me asking, what was the group at headspace?

I understand that you seeing the two people together would hurt you. Do you think that you might be able to ask them how they met each other? You might want ask them what brought them to the event you were at (and I don;t know know from your post,) but in talking with them you might get ideas, or create a connection with them. Tell them it is a social experiment?

A couple of weeks ago at church, and before the service someone said something nasty to me. At that time, I actually wanted to leave. I felt ashamed, that I did not belong. But I stayed because if I left, I would later have to face questions from those who saw me and know me, why I left. It was easier to wear a mask, and pretend everything was OK.

Lastly, I had a prac day a few weeks ago - my first one. As usual we had to introduce ourselves. While I did not go into all the details, I told a group of strangers that I see both a psychiatrist and psychologist for "insert mental illness here". None cared, in that it did not alter their perception of me. And I met new people, made a friend or two.

Perhaps the people in that group might have other ideas for you? Is that a possibility? Would it be possible if the same thing hapened next time, you might be able to use your coping strategies? Or could you allow yourself to be vulnerable with a group of strangers? I don't want to tell you to do something that you are uncomfortable with. But I would hope you might consider the possibilities?

Peace,

Tim

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

A crappy day with unreliable internet and when I came here I noticed that Tony had created a thread ...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/young-people/how-to-find-friends#qsWwmnHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Given what you have been asking recently, I thought you might want have a look, say hello there so that you can keep up with the latest posts/replies.

Tim

[Azzdog]

Thanks Tim for the tip, I have put a comment in there now.

To answer your previous question, I may have to answer it with a different question.

I think I should also state first that I won't be able to go to that group anymore anyway as I have uni commitments on that day around that time.

But, is asking them how they met, particularly when I've never met them before, socially acceptable? It's a genuine question as I don't know what the protocol is there.

[Azzdog]

My god today was horrible. I've never felt so stuck in my life.

[HamSolo01]

Hey mate.

I can empathise with you a bit actually. Today I feel like crap. Luckily I see my psych today so that's pretty convenient timing.

I am at a loss on what to say. Tbh I can't see anything wrong with asking them how they met. I think this sort of thing is really about HOW you ask. It's a subtle but important thing I think.

Anyway I'm not much good for help today I must admit. But also I see that being in that headspace program would be a negative on your mental health. Best to avoid times like that. I believe in choosing your battles and challenges. We can't always do that. There are times when bowing out is a must.

I am at a weird stage with all this intimacy and sex stuff. So I can relate to a lot of what you have been saying of late. I wouldn't say I'm depressed BECAUSE of it but it's certainly contributing to my overall mood and sense of self. It can really throw me about.

Anyway. Better get going. Don't wanna be late for my appointment.
Have a good day bud

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

Sorry to hear that you haven’t been doing too well.

Yeah it’s an interesting thing to think about. I guess I’m just worried about coming of looking like a weirdo. But then again, I think that I already am so maybe I should have just done it anyway! 😂

I hope the psych appointment went well.

I’m really struggling at the moment. Triggers are absolutely everywhere right now and I have to study.

[Azzdog]

I’m really really struggling.

Immensly right now.

I’m being surrounded by happy go lucky people who are in relationships and are having a great time.

What about the people like myself who cannot make a dent in dating? What the hell do I do? Where are the forums for people like myself? Where are the support groups for people like myself? Am I destined to die alone? Probably because I’m too different. I’m too left of centre.

There was another comment on these forums that’s really pissed me off. The idea of online dating being successful. First of all, what metric are you using to determine whether it’s successful? If it’s just your own personal experience then that’s just your own privilege speaking out. You wouldn’t know what it’s like if you are single because this is a couples world.

[smallwolf]

Hi Aaron,

I get it. You are overwhelmed with what you see in the world around you.And yes it probably is a couples world. And here a a challenge or different view I can show you....

Is it possible that you also only see one side of a relationship - the side that people want to, have to, or 10000 other reasons show the outside world. You could see my parents smile together in public, or the same with my brother and his wife, or a friend and their parter, or, or, or... Let me paint an alternative picture or a realistic picture...

- my father has parkinsons disease and my mother might struggle to look after him

- a parent that figured death was better if he could not by happy

- another friend who struggles with her husband parkinsons condition.

- my brother is considered self-centered (only cares about himself) and has frequent arguments with wife

- friends who children have mental illness or drug related problems

- couples who have split up

- parents with post natal depression and struggle to cope

You ask what the metric is? The person who struggles with the other. The persons that lives the lows with the highs and stay together as one. But it is not all sunshine and lollipops. I could say that it also hard to be a couple, but I won't because all any of us really want is connection. To be accepted as we are. To not have to wear a mask. To not be judged. This applies between people, and within each of us individually.

I will listen to you, I will support you however I can. But can you see there is also a difference between what you might see vs how life is really is for these lucky people.

Smallwolf.

[Azzdog]

Hi Tim,

I get that point of view. I know that people try to show the good parts of their relationship. I know that there are negative parts that people are not willing to show.

As you said, regardless of how hard it is, every one (or most people) wants to be in one. My problem is that it seems like women have ridiculously high standards for opposed to everyone else. There are men who have anger issues and take it out on their partners. AND IM THE ONE WHO IS SINGLE!! This is what I mean! I would never do anything like that and I have deep seated interests that mean nothing to anyone.

People like to bash me over the head with the condescending quote "you have to learn to love yourself before someone can love you". WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST SEVEN YEARS?!?!?!? I have built so much about myself that goes beyond what most people are capable to do. I have just finished reading The Histories by Herodotus. How many other young men are interested in that kind of thing? Oh no as long as you drink alcohol and don't think about anything substantial then you can have all the girlfriends you want. I read a study recently that 75% of men would rather be shocked by an external stimulus then be alone with their thoughts for 15 minutes. That sums up everything I think about this messed up planet. We live in a very dumbed down society where the ones who are actually prepared to think for ourselves are left behind.

When it comes to online dating, the metric I meant is this. If you have a 100% success rate in finding partners on an online dating site, then it is successful. I reckon the number is probably around 5-10%. Under no metric can that be considered successful. that means up to 95% of people will never find someone. Just because you know a couple of people that were successful doesn't mean you can make general and sweeping statements on a global industry. That's what I meant.

I'm really sorry if I sound like I'm attacking you Tim. Please don't think that. I'm just in an absolutely awful place right now. I have almost no hope for the future. I also have very little support in the community.