Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron. Hope you are well mate.

Today I received some news that a close mate of mine has finally "done the deed" as it were. For a while there I really stopped caring about all this stuff. I was on an even keel and doing okay. Then things sort of went south a few months back and then tonight they've really gone down hill.

All of a sudden I have that feeling that you've described on here a fair few times about thinking something is wrong with you when this happens. All Iwant to say mate is that I know how that feels. It's rotten isn't it? There's nothing good about it.

But deep down I believe that there is hope. I just don't feel it atm. That's all.

Hope you are alright mate. Take care.

[Azzdog]

Hey Mitch,

I've been pretty up and down for a while. I'd thought I would take a break and get some things sorted. I've got a couple of social things going now and I did go to a batyr workshop! Thanks for the tip my friend!

Uni starts this week and I'm already pretty stressed about it haha. It's normal I guess after spending so much free time that you don't know what to do with.

However, your message really spoke to me. I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say this:

"All of a sudden I have that feeling that you've described on here a fair few times about thinking something is wrong with you when this happens. All Iwant to say mate is that I know how that feels. It's rotten isn't it? There's nothing good about it."

There is absolutely nothing good about it at all. I heard another friend of mine also went through a similar experience which made me feel pathetic and really ugly. I've spent a lot of sleepless nights wondering when or how its ever going to happen. It's a sad predicament to be in particularly when society is so obsessed with it yet we can't seem to talk about the damages it does to people like us who seem to be completely stuck.

I guess my problem is that I don't really know what it means to be a man? I mean, the reason I don't feel like I'm man is because I'm still a virgin. The problem for some social circles involving men is that sex is viewed as a conquest where the more sex you have the more of a man you are. I feel like for women the idea of a woman is that you are independent and you don't need a man looking after you. Whereas for men if you are not in a relationship you are not a man.

Look I'm doing okay at the moment but I have my moments of despair and pessimism. I'm just doing the best I can to make myself the best person I can be.

I really hope you re doing okay after what happened. I know what its like to be in that position and its really hard to get out of it. Make sure you look after yourself mate.

[Azzdog]

So I thought I would add on to my update from the other day.

While I have a lot going on for me at the moment, and it has been through sheer hard work, the same issues still remain prevalent and omnipresent.

My problems stem from this idea that I cannot have any kind of special relationship, whether that be with friends or a relationship. I was ignored, misunderstood, and not cared about in anyway, shape or form. I've understood this problem to be that I didn't have a strong identity as to who I am which meant I couldn't express myself properly.

That is something that I feel has been rectified. There is always room for improvement but I have a very good idea of who I am and what I stand for. I have principles, values and morals that I will not break for others just so I can make a very flimsy and broken friendship with.

My point here is that while I have developed these traits about myself, and I know more about myself, why am I still having so much difficulty in connecting with others? The feedback I constantly get from others tends to go along these lines:

"You are the least boring person I have ever met"

"You are so funny Aaron!"

"I cannot believe you have never been in a relationship. You are so kind and giving"

I use these quotes because these are the ones that keep resurfacing all the time. Some of them, the first two, were used at a mental health workshop I did a few weeks ago. I've all of these quite a few times.

Yet, despite all this feedback, I am constantly in strugglesville trying to work out why I get rejected so often. I feel like a broken record, and I'm pretty sure that I have mentioned this before, but is there something glaringly obvious that I am doing that makes others reject me? I am desperately trying to uncover this mystery.

I am still a virgin and perpetually single which does get me down a lot. I saw someone from school get engaged the other day. It made me hate myself a lot.

I may be 24 but I am still living in the same place with my parents since I was a little kid. I am practically in the same spot I was when I was 12 and 18, only I have a BA.

Sorry if I sound like I'm ranting or being demanding, I just have a lot on my chest.

[Azzdog]

I thought I should also mention that I just wrote a song about recent events. I'm dealing with all of this much better than what I was a few months ago. I've gotta say its a pretty damn good song! 😜 (If I do say myself).

My songwriting really has improved over the last few years. I've definitely matured in that sense and I have a greater command of music theory. It has helped me to better articulate my feelings as well.

Also uni has started so that gives me another form of distraction.

[Azzdog]

Is there anybody out there??

[smallwolf]

Hi Azzdog,

I'm here. Sorry for not replying earlier. I had a busy day yesterday and forgot about replying. I had read your previous post.

Are you finding that writing music is a good outlet for you and expressing your feelings?

Not sure how big a fan of metallica you are, but there are the quite a few songs in their catalog which are about life experiences.

I was talking with my psychologist the other week, and describing my problem like a jigsaw puzzle, and the problem was that I did not know how big it was, whether any pieces were missing, etc. She told to go away and think about how big it was - that was at the end of the session. What I worked out from that was two things. The first is the puzzle is as big or small as it needs to be, and the other thing was rather than focusing on the end goal or how far away I might be from it, was to look at how far I had come from when I first started seeing her. ... something to think about?

I have one final question... Does a person really have to the lose their virginity to be a man?

Secondly, if I saw you on the street, I would not really know whether you were or were not. I understand the shame aspect of it from your perspective. In some cultures being a virgin is valued. Some religions expect you to be a virgin until you are married. It is what you might hear on the radio or see on TV that perpetuates the myth that everybody does it every day all the time which is not the case. Before I wrote this reply, I did google search "male virgin" and read a couple more articles, and also the following thread on beyond blue....

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/25-year-old-virgin-male-who-has-never-had-a-girlfriend-i-feel-like-a-pathetic-loser

Your values does not come from whether you are a virgin or not. It comes from how you act towards yourself and other people. Be the person first?

Peace,

Tim

[HamSolo01]

Hi Tim and Aaron. Nice to see you both.

I am interested in what you said Tim. Specifically about myths. When I think of myths I think of ancient tales and wisdom. But I see what you are saying and I agree - there is a myth about male virginity. Not only is it something pushed by marketing "gurus" but it's also the best way to shatter self worth. I guess it's a false myth. The true myth to me is conquering the darkness/shadows in your own mind and self. That's something worth worrying about. Once we have a respect for our own capacity for bad then we come to understand our capacity for good.

I'm such a sceptic when it comes to transactional and casual sex. Probably rich of me to say that, given my lack of experience in the area. However I also have opinions on lots of things which are well informed, but just because I don't have experience doesn't invalidate my point right? Lol.

Anyways. Hey Aaron I think music is the best form of expression. Sometimes I find myself going back to songs and rediscovering lyrics or sounds that resonate with me and I feel like a new person. For example, I recently listened to the theme from the film Dunkirk. Hans Zimmer is amazing.

This whole virginity thing is an obsession to distract people. Let people do what they wish and live as they wish.

Perhaps the most important part of our perceived inadequacy is to realise it's a choice we make. No one thrust virginity on anyone. In the end it is a choice. Let's be frank.

I know this may sound a tad harsh but hear me out. I don't believe it's the wrong choice. I don't think there is a wrong choice. It's just a case of "how it is"

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim and Mitch,

Sorry for the late reply Tim, I had a lot on over the weekend. Uni has kicked off for another semester and there is already a lot to do.

To answer your question, no, you do not have to have sex to be a man. That's my honest opinion on the subject and during my moments of clarity, that's what keeps me sane. It's when I turn on the radio or the tv and there it is. It's ubiquitous through social media and that and that's when I get overwhelmed. Currently I am the only person in my family over the age of 18 who is not in a relationship. It hurts. It really really hurts. So I guess while the rational side of my brain acknowledges that there is more to being a man, unfortunately, society still hammers on old stereotypes and myths which are frankly outdated.

Hey Mitch,

The whole virginity thing sells is because it is playing to our insecurities. It's how the whole advertising industry works. I've said it here before but its why I think it should be abolished and replaced with one that actually sells products based on merit, rather than how you feel.

About virginity being a choice, I'm not sure if I completely agree with that. To an extent, yes, if you do nothing about it then it is a choice. But you and I have tried to put ourselves out there, we have gone on dates and doesn't that constitute us trying to make a change? I feel like we have made a choice to change that but things just haven't worked out. Let me know what you think.

[smallwolf]

Aaron,

I know there is a different thread about liking ourselves, and which I have given my views on the topic. I was with my psychiatrist this morning taking about medication, and I said that my wife commented that I am not as happy as I used to be. I think that related to liking ourselves, is happiness. And possibly a pre-req for finding someone to spend time with. Years ago (20+) I went to the night clubs with friends but I felt out of place, but I was not happy. So the chances of finding someone in that environment would be low, FOR ME. My question for you then is...

Would you describe yourself as a happy person?

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

Going to a bar or a club would not be a good idea for me either. I find those places depressing.

There are two answers to your question. The broad answer and the nuanced answer.

The broad answer is no, I do not see myself as a happy person overall. There is a lot that I would like to change about myself as I believe I have a lot of potential to do great things and live a meaningful life.

The nuanced answer is sometimes, depending on what I am doing, I can actually feel genuinely happy. That tends to happen when I am having meaningful social connections or listening to new music (I am getting into a punk band called Wire and I am absolutely loving them at the moment). Doing something meaningful makes me feel happy and helps my overall wellbeing.

But I would throw a question back to you. How much do I have to love myself before I can potentially be in a relationship? It's a pretty difficult question, I grant you. But does anyone truly love EVERYTHING about themselves? I feel like someone have to be lying to themselves if they do because none of us is perfect. I feel like a more appropriate response is to love the good things about ourselves and accept and own the not-so-good things about ourselves. I don't love the bad things about me but I own them and I am always trying to work on them.