Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Thought I'd give an update

Caught up with an old friend yesterday. It was good seeing him again and we plan to do something next week. I am still pushing myself as I don't want to get stuck like where I was this time last year. I hope to really press on and make some ground this year.

[Doolhof]

Hi Azzdog,

That sounds excellent. All the best with catching up with your friend regularly.

It is helpful when we become aware of what we can change and what has not been successful in the past.

Cheers to you from Dools

[Azzdog]

It is. I hope that it can continue. I am trying my best at the moment to not get stuck again. I want to have a fulfilling life so I hope this is the year that I can make it a really good one.

[Azzdog]

Thought I’d make another update... rather an observation that I’ve noticed over the past year.

I feel like a lot of dating advice you find, whether it is through websites or dating coaches, tends to be quite generalised. I know that it needs to be quite general to cover a wide variety of the population but I still feel we don’t know how to talk about sexual health properly in today’s society. The problems are is that there is not much you can do apart from getting out and doing things that you like. Still there should be more support for others to meet others who feel the same way. Doing something social with a space for therapy is probably the most effective way to treat mental health issues.

The reason I say this is because I came across a dating advice page for people who are perpetually single. They had five dot points of advice but the only one that mattered was the point I made in the previous paragraph, getting out and doing things you like.

One of the dot points was “make your dating life a priority”. I think it’s fair to say that a lot of people do that but struggle regardless. I’ve made it a priority before but I’ve struggled to make a dent. Another one was “learn all you can about sex”. Sure, you can become the most knowledgeable person on sex but how does that help you get a relationship?

I also feel like dating coaches are just glorified ways of telling you you need confidence. For some you have up to pay upwards of $3000 to get anything out of it. Of course I don’t have that kind of money. So why should I miss out?

If I had the answers I wouldn’t ask anyone to pay that kind of money. I’ve met really awesome people in my life who have struggled immensely to find a relationship. I here stories of young people taking their lives because they feel they are too ugly and repulsive. Maybe if I had the answers I would organise a group and there would be a gold coin donation to go to a charity.

I really don’t feel it’s as simple as paying an enormous amount of money and then getting results. Pardon the pun but it seems a little cheap and a little sad to be honest. Does anyone have thoughts on this I’m just musing out loud?

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

My reply will have to be in 2 parts. The first relates to your latest post and the second relates to my thoughts on how this may apply to you (if you will permit me). Remember these are only my thoughts, and you can always report the post.

PART 1

My first thought is that when you refer to "sexual health" in "today’s society" what exactly you mean. You have to know that I was also a teen in the 80s, and what it meant then migt be different to today. I dont know. This was also a period when AIDS became visible and safe sex practices were advertised in different forms. Safe sex practices were advertised in relation to the STDs etc. Combine that with the fact that I my childhood was quite sheltered, with protective parents and I did not "sleep around", I would have to ask you what you mean by "sexual health". I am guessing it is a broader topic for you, but if you could clarify this term would be great!

The second thought is that the "perpetually single" can also be those people who go out regularyly (?) but unable to form or make a relationship last for whatever reason. Interestingly I did a google search on the term and a few interesting pages turned up. One was similar to one I read about depression about annoying things about.... for example, "offered unsolicited relationship advice, because they're convinced they're an expert". I could have been reading about a mental illness here.

I don't really have any comments about dating coaches. My guess it probably started with some offering advice to someone else, the word spread, more advice and then realised they could make money out of this venture. From there a new industry was created? And maybe had a different name in eras gone by. The internet is quite new compared to the world, and media creates more noise. I have only seen one in a documentary on TV some time ago, but as to how effective it was, I have no idea. I recall it was just another social experiment.

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

PART 2

From the google search I did I have a better appreciation what being single is like for you. And that is aside from any anxiety related problems that might also be present. And unfortunately there are no instant solutions to this.

In a previous post I asked you about asking someone from the board games group out for coffee. Your response was along the lines that it would take a while for you to feel confident (?) enough to ask them out. A fair and honest response. Contrast this with you wanting to be in a relationship (now), there is a contradiction here.

A person then might find their solution in a dating app or dating site. It can be a sort of instant fix to a problem. And some people these days will resort to going on TV to accomplish this goal. The real question here is how many actually stay in a relationship after the show(s) end.

Between the time you came to BB and now, you have started goingh to a board games group and playing music with other people with the view to forming a band. In each of these activities you would be forming new relationships. This should be a good/positive thing.

Now a possible future... you have created a band (?) and will want to play at some small vanues. Would that be possible or likely? Potential for new relationships again? Some people might like your music enough to see you repeatedly? Ssshhhh... They might be fans. 🙂 Someone else to talk to about music. Of course there are some people that only play or create music for themselves. Is this future possible? I don't know. Only you would be able to answer that.

My only advice would be to do things you are comfortable with. Yes, that does include pushing youself if you need to, but not to the extent that you will have a panic attack or similar. Choose or do things that are realistic for you.

Hope this helps,

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

Thanks for replying. Sorry I've been away for the last few days but I am okay.

My take on sexual health is this. We live in a culture that is obsessed with it and I don't feel there is a space for people like myself to be able to express frustration and uncertainty over my inability to have a romantic life.

My problem is that having a healthy sex life is being able to talk about it, in appropriate circumstances, with a degree of confidence and not bottle it up where it can cause you to feel angry or extremely depressed. We have a society that is open to talking about how many people they have slept with but we don't have a space to talk about how damaging how sex crazed culture has on young impressionable people. I'll be honest the fact I haven't had sex makes me feel incredibly pathetic. It is the main reason why I feel so ugly and unlovable. I also know no one else who feels the way I do. I want to create a place where those kinds of insecurities can be talked about in a safe, contained, validating kind of way.

I think it can be but I would say that perpetually single people tend to be people like myself who don't get out a lot. I met someone else yesterday and we got on to the subject of relationships and, like so many people before her, she was astounded that I'm 24 and I've never been in a relationship. She said I was so nice and confident and she just couldn't believe it. I always feel like I'm doing things wrong.

Yeah I don't doubt the advice necessarily from dating coaches but I still believe they are a really expensive way of telling you you need confidence. Everyone on this thread knows how I feel about confidence (an important trait no doubt but it can mask a lot of problems though). I feel like getting confidence wrong is why divorce rates are so high.

[Azzdog]

I'm glad to know that you found a better appreciation of what its like for me to be single. I think this is what I am getting at with sexual health. I think we are unaware of the dangers of being single is in a sex crazed culture. That is what I am trying to say.

Point taken. I think its true. I feel though at the board games group I wasn't having any meaningful conversations and any developments I made in that area were all in vain for a couple of the people I met there.

Dating apps are terrible in my opinion. It may be because I am an old soul and have no time for my generations shenanigans. (I really don't like millennial culture despite being a millennial myself).

I hope the band thing can keep going. I have messaged the guy twice now and he hasn't responded. Its frustrating but I only hope he replies soon.

[HamSolo01]

Hey Aaron happy 2019.

Just wanted to drop by and say that tonight I am feeling pretty shitty about this sort of thing. What you said here is resonating with me: "I'll be honest the fact I haven't had sex makes me feel incredibly pathetic. It is the main reason why I feel so ugly and unlovable."

It's that feeling of pathetic that I can resonate with. Despite having achieved a lot of things in my own personal life I begin to think that it's all for nothing. I know how much that sounds like I am reducing it down to nothing... But like I've never even had a single girlfriend ever. Like I just think that is a bit sad.

I'm not sure what I want to say actually. Maybe just to vent it. I honestly think that some of the pressure we can experience in certain social circles (because it isn't all of them) and in what we view and see can impact us deeper. This is probably what sparks a sense of dismay within.

This also stuck out to me too: "She said I was so nice and confident and she just couldn't believe it. I always feel like I'm doing things wrong."

I've met people who've said the same sort of thing to me. Even when I told one friend about my mental health he was surprised about it because of whatever reasons he said (Something about me being social and physically healthy etc..)

Anyway. I dunno man. Last night I was out with some friends and we were talking about relationships and stuff. You know I am beginning to think that the warped sense of worth people can get from superficial stuff can really do damage to other people - even when we don't intend it.

As to the other stuff you raise on here I'm afraid I am not much help.

[Azzdog]

I just survived a week from hell. I bought a video game as a reward.