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Sexless marriage.

Hayabusa
Community Member

Hello everybody.

I am at a loss. I love my wife so much and I am not going to leave her. But the situation I find myself in is hurting me. In a nutshell the last time we were intimate was in November 2018.

I am not the perfect husband. About a year ago I was chatting with a woman friend of ours on messenger. There was no suggestions in the discussions of going to the next level, and I could not do that because there are no winners if I did. I didnt hide the conversations but I wasn't forward with my wife about them either. When it all came to a head my wife said that I had cheated on her and that I was looking for sex elsewhere. This was not the case, and I did not delete the discussions on messenger, hoping honesty would help me. I accept responsibility for my actions.

When the above occurred we had not been intimate in the bedroom for a year. I believe the second year I have brought on myself and I don't know where this will end.

Now I am having feelings of worthlessness. I just feel crap all of the time. There is some intimacy but I cannot remember when my wife told me she loves me without me saying it first. I know she doesn't hate me, I just feel that I have become a "life partner" in the relationship. I now get angry at a whim, and do not tolerate fools gladly. In the last few months I have been working on being less angry, but the bear is still in there.

I don't know what to do. Maybe writing it all down is an important first step. I feel like I have screwed everything up. It makes me feel very sad.

Thank you for reading my post.

4 Replies 4

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Hayabusa~

Welcome here to the Forum, a good move as there are an awful lot of people here, each with their own difficulties in life, it makes for an honest and understanding place

I guess after reading you post I can't really see how you have 'screwed everything up' or how you are to blame for that second year without sex.

You said yourself that the previous year there had not been any either.

As for getting bed tempered and feeling low about yourself, what to you expect? Not to feel valued is an insidious thing with far reaching effects.

This really is a two person problem, with both you and your wife trying your hardest to sort it out, for no other reason than mutual love.

There must have been a reason for that first sexless year and those reasons could be anything. Finding that out would be a very good start, as would your wife getting to know how you feel, and you the same.

Things that follow on, a reaction to your messages, never initiating saying I love you and more all may reduce if the basic problem can be found.

Everyone is different in matter of sex, with some having great drives, some having little, so too is the manner in which it is done, though throughout enjoyment and love should be present, hopefully fun too.

Do you think that being counseled together about both sex and your relationship might be a help? I know it is a difficult subject to raise, however it could be well worth it - what do you think?

Croix

Hayabusa
Community Member

Thank you for your response.

I have not had much luck getting my wife to open up she will blame herself or me and that will be the end of it. I do think there may be a self esteem issue for her that may be a contributor.

The need to be wanted is definitely there for me. I did suggest counselling when the message thing blew up but it was rejected, I was just the big bad man.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Hayabusa~

It does not sound as if the situation is pleasant for either of you and shows no sign of improvement.

Perhaps it is time for you , or someone she listens to to, to re-suggest outside help. For oyu to suggest she engages in medical help or coupling by herself might not be a good idea, it is too easy to be seen as criticism or blame. Suggest you are suffering and her attendance might help could be another approach

What do you think?

There is a happier world , with or without much intimacy, there for both of you together.

Croix

This is an important issue between you both and if you are unhappy about it that will flow through and impact other parts of your feelings and interactions with each other.

From what you have said it seems that part of the issue is to do with transparency;

Devils advocate moment: You did something that may or may not have appeared to be behind her back and it was only that you were caught early that nothing actually happened. You don't know all of her history or that friends history, you might have been tarred by their prior infidelities or something else.

Raising the issue is essential in leading to getting it resolved, if she does not want to discuss it then you can still talk with a professional about it, 1:1.

Once you have raised the topic with her, then tell her you are thinking about going to see a professional to talk about it. Keep it all up front, open and honest, where you are going etc. If you would prefer that she go with you, say that, invite her along. If you want things to work make sure that is the message you are sending.

A big part of this is going to be looking after your own mental health, as part of your relationships health.