Secret family just revealed/discovered.

[July]

Hi , I have just found out my son in law ,who has been with my daughter for 4 years ! and was married last february ...has 4 kids he never told her or us about . I am so angry and upset that he can keep this a secret, what kind of man does this . He did not disclose this information either my daughter found out by accident as she opened a letter from child support that was sent to their house . The children are now 14,17,19 and 21, three boys and one girl .When he was confronted he quickly went into defence mode , blaming the mother ( it is one mother with all 4 kids)saying she was a she "trapped me " with these kids. He said to me that "all " of his kids are accidents, I am disgusted and cannot forgive the deception and abandonment of these innocent kids. He has not even met the two younger kids, but thinks its ok because he has paid child support . He has admitted to having DNA tests and they are all his biological children. My daughter has two girls aged 6 and 8 now and I always had a gut feeling about him that something was not right , so did my other daughter and other people that have met him also have voiced concerns. My daughter was very angry at first but now has backed down and is now on his side , he is very manipulative and plays on her sympathies. He also said he never would have told my daughter if she had not opened that letter ?? what kind of man acts like this , I have completely lost any respect for him and don't trust him at all ...what else is he hiding? My daughter has not told anyone except 2 close friends , because I think she's worried about what people will say about him and her choice to stay, to me her marriage is based on a lie, he provides her with a lifestyle she loves and gives her anything she wants to appease her ( and his guilt no doubt ) , My issue is I feel so much anger about this situation and do not know how to resolve it, he cant even look at me now because he knows how I am as a mother and I would never put anyone above my kids. To add insult to injury we found out 3 of his children have intellectual disabilities, which makes me feel disgust as my own grandson who is 4 has severe autism and is non verbal. He is a pathetic excuse for a human being , but if I say anything my daughter will stand by him? I just need some advice on how to move forward thanks

[Emmen]

Hi July,

It's a horrible thing to find out. I'm sorry this happened.

I can understand your disgust and desire to protect your daughter from this man. Despite how disgusting his actions have been, though, it's ultimately your daughter's call whether to stay with him or leave him. One view is that their marriage was based on a lie, and I completely agree he ought to have disclosed this to her from the start. However, during their 4 year relationship, has he treated her well? If he has and she is happy, then perhaps it would do more damage to turn her against him now. After all, even if out of guilt, he is giving her everything she wants, which at least shows that he cares about your daughter and his family with her. They also have two daughters who may benefit from having their father around, regardless of his secret family.

You have every right to be angry with him. But your daughter has chosen her side, and perhaps to her, his secret family is a knowledge she can live with. You can definitely speak to her and tell her how you feel, but please remember that any decision made should be hers, even if that is to stay with him.

- M

[July]

Hi , I wouldn't turn her against him ..because it is her decision to stay despite his past .I don't have an issue with the relationship between them because she is 34 and he is 43, it is her children aged 6 and 8 which do not belong to him, they are her kids from a previous relationship that I worry about, as this will also affect them eventually as they grow because now they have 4 step brothers and sisters. I don't feel that giving her everything she wants as a sign of love? he is quite obsessed with her. It is his denial of love and concern for his own children that concerns me and his over compensation with my daughters two little girls. It speaks more about his character and lack of responsibility for his own kids , how will they feel about their dad having nothing to do with them, yet raising someone else kids ( their real father is in their lives and lives close by) so sad and his blaming his previous partner , there is so much more to the story than this, I feel he is very secretive and now this has come out he is worse. I will have to accept him ...for now.. but my trust has gone and I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

[Guest909]

G'day July

I can understand your concern, but I get the feeling you don't have the full story. Relationships are complex, and that complexity only increases when divorced people move on and remarry for a second and third time.

I'm not trying to defend your son-in-law's actions, but his decision to walk away from his family is his decision. He may very well have good reasons for doing so, and it is not up to anyone to retrospectively judge him. We all have a past.

In regard to your two grandchildren, they have no biological step sisters and brothers. I'm not sure why you would flag this as a concern. Your daughter's children's and his children are related by marriage only, not blood. I think this is a significant point of difference, but others may disagree.

From what you have shared, your son-in-law treats your daughter and her two children well. Why would you want to change that?

Cheers

[quirkywords]

July

As a mum and grandma I can understand how you feel . You are very caring person who is worried about the 4 children from your son in law"s first marriage. Are you thinking if the denies his children like this how will he treat your daughters children.?

I see that you know it is your daughters decision to stay but you feel you can't trust him and are wary of his secretive behaviour. he has kept his children hidden so you feel what else may he be hiding. ?

In your first post you said you would like some advice about how to move forward.

Of course it is your decision and it seems you have decided to support your daughters decision but at the same time be wary of your son in law. I may have that confused so let me know.

You have so much love for your family and care for his children and that is a great quality.

Do you think you can move on with what you know now or will that be hard?

[July]

Hi, yes you are correct, I just cannot get past a man who has nothing to do with his own children and just walk away and pretend they are not here. I have to support my daughter regardless of her choices ...and I will , its the deception I can't stand, he doesn't talk about them and blames the mother completely, well it takes two people to make a child ...mistake /accident what ever you want to call it , one pregnancy maybe ?? but 4, no sorry, thats not a mistake... that's a decision. When you become a parent that is a lifelong commitment , not just until it suits you to move on, you don't quit on your kids, they didn't ask to be born.

Maybe I am to motherly ? maybe , but I would never abandon my kids , and I have 4. When you marry, your lives and families do entwine so her kids and his kids should have a relationship, and they will find out eventually he has 4 kids he has nothing to do with . I keep my feelings to myself , if its all ok why doesn't she tell people about his kids ? I don't get it .