Seperation Advice

[JS1990]

Hi all,

I've been with my wife for 7 and a half years and married about 4 and a half years.

In 2018 I moved away from her for 12 months to her home town because she was home sick. We got married in her home town in 2019 and she eventually was able to relocate to her home town In the same year.

Whilst away from her I became very lonely and became addicted to pornography. This eventually led to online infidelity to meet my needs which I also became addicted too. Whilst it happened less and less it still happened into our marriage until she found evidence of it in early 2020 and was extremely hurt. I don't believe she has ever truly recovered.

I sought counselling and got myself on the straight and narrow and our marriage appeared back on track. In early 2023 I fell back into the same behaviour. On the day I turned to infidelity she found evidence again. I seeked help again and can honestly say I haven't slipped back into that behaviour and I'm confident I won't repeat it or would communicate it to my wife if I did struggle again with it.

Unfortunately in late 2023 my wife cheated on and I'm grateful she admitted it. She said she never really forgave me the 2nd time around and had been miserable ever sense. She has used my past behaviour as an excuse to account for her own and hasn't shown any remorse. She wanted a break initially which led to a seperation which was her call also. I have forgiven her, we all make mistakes and I felt it would be hypocritical of me not to give her a chance.

Despite all that's happened I never stopped loving her and I still love her in the seperation. If she wants to rekindle the marriage It is what I want more than anything. I just hope it's not beyond all repair which I believe it could be. I'm giving her space and time to heal and find herself again. Based on what I've said do you think there is any chance our marriage can continue? I can't imagine my life without her, she means everything to me and I have lived with regret for all these years knowing how much my actions have hurt her.

[smallwolf]

hello.

The question you asked in your post is very difficult to answer. And if it does "work out" the next question might be how long? Would counselling be required?

That said ...

It's clear you still have love for your wife and regret for your actions that contributed to her pain. It's an incredibly difficult situation you are facing, and my heart goes out to you. Infidelity and betrayal of trust can damage a relationship in deep and complex ways. At the same time, her choice to be unfaithful has also been hurtful. Healing will take time, open communication, forgiveness and commitment from you both.

Focus on listening to your wife with empathy to understand her perspective. Express remorse for the harm you've caused, while also articulating your desire to rebuild trust. If she is willing, approach this as an opportunity to create a new foundation in your relationship, one of honesty, accountability and commitment to each other's wellbeing.

I wish you strength during this difficult crossroads. If you want to chat some more, I'm listening ...

[JS1990]

Thank you for responding.

Absolutely further counselling is required in my opinion and I'm about to undertake counselling to deal with my inability to cope with this seperation. 

I have been patient, understanding, respectful of her space through this process so far and will continue to do so. I know I can't force her to talk to me, but I have offered to have a chat about everything. In the space of a week we went from being friends in the seperation to her completely shutting me out. It's difficult to take, but I know I cannot control how she is processing this situation. I really hope she does reach out when is ready to, but I also have to accept that she may not. I have all the time in the world for her, but I know at the same I can't hold out hope forever at the expense of how much not being able to have a conversation is hurting me. I will be there for her, but I also know I need to look after myself to get through this.

Thank you for your kind support.