Hi , I’ve had a mental illness for over 10 years due to a sexual assault after a home invasion which left me with PTSD , panic Disorder, general anxiety, agoraphobia, and since talking with my psychiatrist I found out that I’m also suffering from BPD which apparently was a result from sexually abused as a child but didn’t show any sign until the sexual assault as a adult.
Anyway after the home invasion My relationship between my husband and myself just deteriorated because I just didn’t want to be touched at all not even for a hug. So my husband and I just separated but he stayed living with me and became my caregiver, because I just couldn’t look after myself anymore and at one point my mental illness got so bad that I was sleeping 20 hours a day and not eating and no matter what I went through still stayed to take care of me.
During all of what was going on with my illness , my love for my husband never went away and I still felt like he was my soulmate even though we were separated.
Over the last year I have learnt to control my illness a little better to the point where I can now eat and live a semi normal lifestyle ( I still have panic attacks and still can’t leave the house alot and still suffer from BPD but I’m getting out of bed and started to be happy.
So the better I got I’ve noticed that the need for human touch is coming back and I’ve started to feel like I want to be with my husband again and want his affection.. so I spoke about this with my husband and he told me that he has always loved me as much as he did when we got married but knew that he had to put his feelings aside to be my caregiver and also to respect me and what I was going through.
After our discussion we tried to be a husband and wife again and tried to be affectionate and started weekly dates like cooking a meal together and watching a movie but as soon as we got closer I started getting mad and pushing him away and started to closing up again and put my personal wall up , which upset myself and my husband and I also noticed that my mental illness started declining again and I’ve noticed I’ve become very depressed 😔
so I’m left wondering will I ever be able to have a relationship with my husband or will my mental illness always stop that from happening 😞.
