Hi Fernfam
I really feel for you so much living in such a controlling environment, which can be a real challenge for mental health. While your husband might be fully conscious of all the things that bring him a sense of relief, joy, peace, happiness etc (having the place appear and feel clean to him and the car appear and feel in mint condition), it doesn't sound like he's fully conscious of the impact it's having on the people he's living with. Do you feel it's a matter of you not being sure how long this can go on for until it becomes depressing in some ways, anxiety inducing and angering? I imagine you definitely don't want it to get to that point for yourself or your daughter.
While my husband was never extreme with the obsessive compulsion to have what was our new house (18 years ago) appear perfect, it did get to the point of causing issues. I could put no nails in the wall for family pictures to be hung on, the kids weren't allowed to touch the walls or they'd be told off, the curtains had to always be pulled right back to let the right amount of light in and the list went on and on. I started to dread trying to negotiate, dread him seeing marks on the wall, dread not having things appear a certain way etc. It was becoming a dreadful place to live in. He wasn't an abusive person, just an obsessive one. One day, I'd just had enough and told him 'I can't live like this. Our kids can't even put a poster up on their bedroom walls. I ended up going to marriage counseling on my own, based on the relationship feeling unbearable and me feeling the need to pack the kids up and leave. It had become about dread, anxiety and the depressing restrictive conditions.
I'm glad I went to counseling for the counselor made me conscious of things I'd lost sight of, including my own needs, my self respect and most important was my chance to express myself in a number of ways. Kind of like you wanting to be a beach goer with your daughter but not being able to express that part of you by using the family car (to go to the beach). Just one example of many, I imagine. When we stop expressing our self or certain aspects of our self, so as to not rock the boat, we stop being our self. We become someone else and that is the kind of person who suits our partner. I came home that day, from counseling, with more self consideration and consideration for my kids when it comes to the simple things they should be able to do in their own home. I became more demanding, some may even say 'difficult' or 'challenging' while my husband started to fight for his right to have the place remain perfect but I never gave up. It became about negotiation. It took a while for him to become conscious of his restricting nature as he began to find some freedom in being a little more laid back.
Whether it serves you to go to marriage counseling together or on your own, it could offer an opportunity to see the way forward differently or perhaps it's reaching the point of saying 'We just can't continue living together like this, so I'm giving you an ultimatum. You need to see someone who can help you find ways that give us some freedom to live like we really need to in this house or we'll have to live separately and that's not what I want because I love you'.
