I asked my husband to move out

[mrsb123]

I have been with husband for 20yrs, we have 2 kids. I havent wanted to be intimate with him for a long time. He is a heavy drinker, drinks daily but is not aggressive or abusive, but it impacts on me as it means he can’t take the kids to sport, get dinner and he just sits on couch playing Xbox I have told him for years about my concerns with drinking, how much time he spends on Xbox etc. I do all the activities with kids, he doesn’t come as he sees it as time for himself to play Xbox. The kids have noticed it and So do my friends. I do nearly everything around the house & work FT. I have to ask him to help & when I finally flip out about things that have been building for months he acts as if I'm nagging him. I do a lot of things that I know a lot of my friends don’t do. I fill his car with oil bc he doesn’t & then it dies on me when I drive it, I take garbage to the tip, I pick up the dog poop & clean the bird cage, these are just small examples but it sets the tone. I was recently diagnosed with cancer (I’m 40) & went through chemo & radiation. Tbh I was very surprised at how helpful he was during chemo. But as soon as it finished, he also stopped helping out. I am still not in remission. I still do all of those things I mentioned, incl back to work FT & raising kids. He hasn’t done anything around the house for a long time. We got home from vacation on NYE & I asked nicely if he could find this week to get containers from attic so I can put Xmas decos away. He said he would, it’s been a week. I asked again today. This time he was being such a smart arse asking why I couldn’t get in the roof & get them. I’ve been working all week, he’s been on annual leave (he has 5 weeks leave over the Xmas period) and not taken kids out once. He knows my body aches from chemo still and he still expects me to climb into the roof & get down boxes. I don’t think it was a lot for me to ask. I told him a few days ago that I need him to stop drinking as I found out that a little while ago he & a mate & our kids went out & on the way home his other friend wanted a lift home, so my hub asked his friend (who was driving) to put my 10yo boy in the boot of the car so his other friend could get a lift. I am still fuming. Today I lost it after he told me to get boxes from roof, and I’ve told him I’m done with the marriage. This has been building for many years.  I’ve been scared because of financial reasons but I just can’t do it anymore. He is so selfish, insensitive & I’ve never felt like me and the kids are his priority. He’s never made me feel like he’ll protect me. I know it’s the right decision but I’m scared. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome.

Re: " I know it’s the right decision but I’m scared. "  I dont blame you for being scared. After so many years having a household that you had working as a team until recent years, breaking out on your own is a mighty challenge. However, as I've done that a few times I can say that if you are like me, you'll quickly settle into a new lifestyle based only on your needs and schedule.

Children are resilient, they adapt and likely will notice a more relaxed home life albeit missing dad. If you become the kids sole custody parent (which includes him having some visitation every second weekend and school holidays) then he'll need to pay child support. That figure for 2 kids is 27% of his gross wages. If he has the kids much more often he might not pay child support.

I mention this because you might go to part time working or not working at all for some time after separation and your fears might be more relaxed.

A family solicitor consultation is wise, they provide so much information. 

But, nothing helps more than an amicable split whereby you talk things through together and come to an agreement. Mind you the mother of my children was non negotiable with most topics and things lik parent and teacher nights I couldnt take our kids along as "it isnt in the court order" which was cruel and unnecessary. So how he reacts can be easy or hard. If you show some empathy and suggest your communication can improve in the medium term he might accept it.

I wish you well, separation has a grief factor that takes time to overcome - then on find an interest and fill your hours to distract you from thinking about the situation and you'll be ok.

I hope I've help but reply if you'd like to talk more.

TonyWK

[mrsb123]

Thankyou for your reply. I don’t feel we have ever been a team, we’ve never communicated well, we have different parenting styles. He is in the military and when he is away the household is much more peaceful. I am used to not having him around, it’s the financial aspect I am scared about. I’d like to stay in the house with kids. 

I’m finding it difficult to talk to him right now and he is trying extra hard. This is what he always does though. He waits for me to break down and then he suddenly is attentive, asks if I need help with dinner etc. but then it lasts a day or so and he’s back to his lazy self.  He will be away a lot this year so I am thinking of having him stay in the house, separated, until our extremely low fixed rate on mortgage is up next year and then look at what we do with the house. He should hardly be home and so not too difficult, I’m hoping. I don’t want him paying rent and the mortgage until that settles . I researching how we live together separated I.e. cooking family meals, etc. I don’t want him excluded and isolated but don’t want to live like a married couple anymore. 

[white knight]

I'm ex military so I know that well as I do the drinking culture. Sadly it hasnt changed since I left some 47 years ago.

Your desires to seek a half way live together/not married type of arrangement could work, depends on both of you, the only hurdle that could arise is you could tire of that and want new love or a separate future.

Hopefully he will see the benefits of an amicable arrangement and embrace it.

TonyWK