Kids and Alcoholic Husbdand

[KTOWN]

I have been with my husband for 22 years.  

We now have a 7 year old boy and an 8 year old girl.

4 months ago I asked my husband to move to the spare bedroom.  He has however continually tries to get back to the main bedroom which I have said no to until he is sober.

Everyday is different.  One day he promises to get sober after a certain date (normally after say an event is on, friends leaving town, birthday etc).  Never happens.  

I recently told the kids that their Dad is an alcoholic and a sick man and I don't love him anymore.  I told them that as long as he stays in the spare bedroom we will stay a family unit.  My son doesn't understand why I don't love his Dad and is worried his Dad will leave us because he knows I don't like him and my husband has been verbal about his requirements in the house.

He still holds down a VERY good job however I am fearful he will lose it.  He will get caught drink driving a company car or something will happen.

He is verbally abusive when confronted.  Purchased a vibrator for me and when I refused to use it or have sex with him (been months) he told me he was going to use it on another woman who will like it, threatened to cut me off from the bank account, told me he has "needs", among an array of other things.

Passed out in the bathtub a few weeks ago and flooded the house.  I had to wake him and make him clean up all the water.  It was down the hallway and into the dining room.

The list is extensive and I hide as much as I can from the kids.

All my husbands friends think I am too hard on him.  Half of them are alcoholics as well.

The situation is intense.  I have been in hospital twice with anxiety.

My husband now tells my I am telling the kids he is a 'bad person".  He is in complete denial.

Any tips especially regards the kids?

[Sophie_M]

Hi KTOWN,

Firstly, welcome to the forums and thank you for your honesty in sharing what sounds like a very difficult situation you are dealing with. We're sure others will be able to relate to your situation but we wanted to provide some resources that you could access for additional support.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot at the moment, between dealing with the verbal abuse and trying your best to shield the behaviour from your children. You have the right to be communicated with and treated with respect and verbal abuse is never ok, it might be worth having a look at the 1800Respect pages on healthy relationships. It sounds like it could be useful to have a chat with one of the lovely people at 1800Respect to discuss how you’ve been treated by your partner. They're on 1800 737 732, or you can reach them on online chat, here.  You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277.  

Situations like this can have an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online. It's really important to be kind to yourself through this, so there's some tips for practicing self-care here. 

Thanks again for sharing here. We appreciate your kindness and bravery in sharing to the forums, and we hope you can be kind to yourself, too while you’re going through this extremely difficult time.  

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[white knight]

Hi Ktown, welcome

You certainly have a challenge ahead. I'm so glad you chose beyondblue to share them and hopefully we can give some support.

As a person living previously with an alcoholic I can relate to your frustration. Unfortunately one of the challenges so hard to overcome is that we cant force adults to seek help. That does leave many options. Because it is an addiction perhaps that fact is best shared with your children when you deem it appropriate but also he is their dad and therefore painting him in a positive light is also helping your kids differentiate between the dad with the addiction and the dad with his love for them.

Your anxiety is serious and that needs attention. I had anxiety for 22 years+ and had to try several ideas to overcome it. However I was away from the source whereas your anxiety will likely linger while you have this abuse issue.

I suggest a first meeting (usually free) with a family law solicitor would make things clear for you if and when you separate especially on financial grounds. You would be entitled to property and child support if you have sole custody more than a certain percentage, It's complex hence professional advice is gold at this time. You could also attend AA (alcoholics anonymous) on your own to find out others views on how they tackled the addiction so it gives you some knowledge on how to approach him.

I hope I've helped you a little. We adults cant automatically know how to deal with issues we have no knowledge of how to, so you've done well.

TonyWK

[KTOWN]

I have reached out to AlAnon.  I am just not sure I want to go.  Small town Nd I’m embarrassed to go but let’s face it most people would know what I’m dealing with.  

I feel as if many think I’m making up a big issue over spilt tea.

[KTOWN]

I will read up on that link.  

we are going through the calm phase of the cycle.  So just waiting for everything to explode again in a week or two. This is because he will get home from work and expect dinner.

i told him I’m not cooking his dinner for 8 weeks because he gets drunk and doesn’t come home to eat it.  But then when he does come home he wants dinner.  I said it’s not okay to treat me like that.  We have been here before.  He will yell and rant that I’m not doing my bit as a house wife.  And that coming home the next morning is fine and not a problem.  Etc etc.  every time I put in a boundary he pushes it and makes is VERY hard to keep.

[white knight]

Hi Ktown

This is where counselling is, well, really needed and if he didnt go then go alone. Reason being is clarity, you need to clarify your options even if its well into the future they are needed. 

I knew a lady that didnt know when her hubby would get home as he left the pub at different times, he's walk in a ask where his dinner was. She always had his ready to put into the micro wave. 

Other than that I think the answers you seek, the changes that are required are on him and counselling is the only help you will get unfortunately. Certainly the "role" of a "homemaker" if the other is working is to provide meals, clean the house and take the kids to school and so on but I sense clearly that he shows disrespect and when most adults are shown that fireworks is the result. So along with his drinking in excess issue is the loss of respect. Hence the need for counselling.

I hope it goes well. I'm here nearly daily so reply anytime.

TonyWK

[KTOWN]

Thanks for the response TonyWK

I also work.  I am not just a home maker.  I work school hours, mow the lawn, whipper snip, blow down outside, organise cars to be serviced and repaired, blow down outside, do all the inside work.  I do all the kid's activities, schooling etc. Take the kids to all their events.

Cooking my husband, a meal when he doesn't come home to eat it, is not treating me with respect and I don't believe my children should grow up thinking that's how to treat someone or be treated.

If my husband is not working, he cooks dinner however the only problem with that is he is often not home to cook dinner or too hungover.  And he begrudgingly cooks dinner.  He prefers to go to work, get drunk, go fishing and do nothing at home.  

As you can tell I am extremely frustrated from carrying the bulk of the load.  I am truly blessed that he has an amazing job but he does not feel blessed.  He complains about his job, his home life, the kids etc.  

I could type of hours just getting frustrated.  

If I had sex with him and did all the jobs in the house and took care of the kids, he would be happy.  Problem is I feel resentful, sick disgusted by the situation.

No one talks about sex with an alcoholic.  

I am at a loss.

My life is so hard to plan because everything is an up hill battle.

I have to take a day at a time.  The is no future planning because my husband is all over the place.

[KTOWN]

I have also tried Counselling with him.  He went to one or two sessions and stopped turning up.

[white knight]

Hi Ktown

Thanks for replying. Often, indeed all the time we get a more full idea of the situation as posts go by. The fact that you work also results in you doing two full time jobs and he one. He has raised the bar to high IMO.

Have you considered separation, what would you think your life would be like if that happened? Increasingly it seems a no win situation. My last GF was an alcoholic and I knew in the end there was not much chance of her turning it around. I should have ended it 3-4 years earlier. Easy to say, but your situation might be much harder to come to any conclusion.

TonyWK

Have you considered s

[KTOWN]

I have thought about separation however live in a town where rent is like a $1,000 a week minimum.  We live in a company house rent and utilities free.  He has an amazing job!

my parents live on the other side of the country. No family in town either.  A very common situation where we live.

hence why I decided that having my own room was the option.  I now get told his “needs” are not being met.  Not all the time but sporadically.  Or he will go without alcohol 7 days and be like see “I’m not an alcoholic, let’s have sex” and then go have a massive bender or go back to drinking within hours.  

Also who knows what he drinks that I don’t know about.  I’m not an FBI agent so I stopped counting and trying to finding his drinks a long time ago.

The kids love him and I said they should love him, he is their Dad.  We pray for him regularly.  

as you can see I’m angry and at a loss.