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Separation is the best answer for everything? Just need someone to talk or listen

Community Member

Hi Everyone.

my husband and I married for almost 9 years now. I am not sure if im suffering from depression or self esteem i feel lost i dont know what im feeling right now. When we started i let him control everything because i taught that is best for us, because most of the time i dont wanna have fight so i didnt fight back or talked about what i want. Just go his way, but now i feel lose. I feel like he stole something from me, my independence i guess or who i want to be? But i let it happened right and at somehow i deserve this because i didnt speak out sooner. But everytime ill speak out where just going to have a fight and he makes me feel guilty and put in a corner. Because whatever he decides i dont have the rights and blames me with evrything goes wrong.

When we go out, he preffered to go to casino and play. So i let him because i believe he will be good in card games and yes while waiting for him i will play the pokies. Just buying sometimes. Most our visit at the casino i need to wait for him til he finished playing like 3-4 am in the morning.

we go for travel like boat cruised thats all he wants to do drink and gamble. I tried to control him, and tell him i want him to spend time with me. When he does hell sit with me for an hour makes me feel guilty that is bored then he will left me at the bar and go to the casino.

so much more to talk about i guess. Sorry if im mimicking, because i am evaluating myself right now.

Thank you for ur feedback.

5 Replies 5

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Zunflower, and a warm welcome to the forums.

What you have been going through isn't satisfactory, because a joint decision between the two of you needs to be made, sure there are occasions when one person particularly would love to do something and then encourages the other spouse/partner, that's a part of being in love, but not to do what he says every time he wants to do something.

You are entitled to say and do whatever you want, and in saying this in a way you want or don't want to do.

You ask about a separation and I believe that it's a good idea, however, if possible are you able to say how you would go about doing this, knowing how your husband is.

I'm sure there is much more you want to tell so please don't be afraid as so many have been in the same situation as what you are struggling with.

Take care.


Community Member

Hi Geoff,

thanking you for your quick respond. I told him this weekend i want to lived separate life. He told me he is okay with it and understand my discussion. He will say things to make me feel guilty, and now i am not sure this is the right thing to do.
i feel like were having dejavu right now. 2 years ago im working at residential care at queensland and he made me choice between him or my work. Travel or work, that he would travel by himself and when hes back he wants to separate. So, i resigned to my job and travel with him.

after we came back from holiday, my feelings towards him is not same anymore and i dont like my new job it feels like Im new person or let say i dont know who i am anymore.



Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Zunflower~

I read elsewhere you are separated and worried about the future, which is very natural as you have stepped out from inside an environment where all decisions were taken away from you, now you are back to living your own life.

Separation does not necessarily mean things will go astray. You had sound judgment before, was employed before and had the insight and strenght to leave what was an abusive relationship - an amazing feat of courage not all can do.

It is only human for anyone to wonder if what they did is right, however the account you have given of your marriage is of a person that wished to isolate you, make you dependent on him financially and emotionally, and to disregard your welfare - he came first always.

He wanted control of you to feel better about himself and instinctively knew how to "press your buttons" to maintain that control

If you doubt yourself give 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) a call and lay out the situation, they are very experienced with this type of behavior and may reinforce your decision and have good advice for people in your situation.

Do you have anyone to give you personal support? A family member or friend, even if you have not spoken to them for some time. Having someone to speak frankly with who will care and want to help makes life so much easier.

Please let us know how you go


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Zunflower

Its great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue family!

You mentioned on another thread about fearing the future...This is very common after having doubts in a relationship or a marriage. You have such a proactive attitude....As from what you have posted above your future is in good hands....yours

The decisions we make are the best we can at the time...especially where our best interests our concerned

Your happiness and well being are paramount...All other considerations are secondary . you are an amazing person to have dealt with this situation as well as you have!

The forums are a safe and non judgemental place for you to post Zunflower! Any questions are always welcome

my kind thoughts


Hello Zunflower, I'm pleased Croix and Paul have replied back to you and sincerely apologise that I have not.

Going away with him, whether that's what you really wanted to do or whether you thought it may change how the relationship is going, is not an easy decision, simply because there are too many question marks and you can't be certain what to believe.

Holidays can change a person's attitude because you're not working and have time to reassess the situation between you and your husband, talk with other people and listen to what they have to say and compare their situation to yours.

You feel like a new person because you have regained some strength which has previously been denied.

Do what you want to do and please can you get back to us.