Separated man hoping to reconcile

[Kchris06]

Hi
Married 22 years
She’s 44 I’m 51.
Two teenage sons.

She ended the relationship last month as she didn’t love me anymore and loved another married man. They’d been in a sexual relationship.

She has Clearly said she doesn’t want to reconcile.

I moved out to a nearby suburb where I’m quite happy.

But I’m miss her and want to reconcile.

I Initially suggested coming Back for late night cuddles but she rejected that.

I respect her rights but I want to create the best impression I can to change her stance on
her+me =NO!

Recently I was around there and she’d said she’d told other guy to go away but She didn’t want to elaborate and I don’t if they’ve Fixed it up but I could tell she was hurting.

A few days later I helped out with picking up the kids and I was there and she wasn’t and I left her flowers.

She texted me thanking me and then said, it was a lovely surprise.

Since then I have put her on a ‘dont contact’ so I haven’t texted her at all.

She’s initiated the last texts but it’s neutral stuff about bills and her weekend plans but at least it’s something.

If I keep leaving flowers it will lose its impact.

Does anyone have any ideas about how I should behave or respond to get her Positive attention back, Regarding starting Over?

Many thanks

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

What a sad time.

I want to suggest you wait for responses from her, a tough ask, but unless she misses you for what you had together, I don’t see much hope. Hence all the gifts in the world won’t make enough impact unless she feels loss in the marriage.

I was 40yo when my first marriage split, 52 when a 10 year relationship split and now married for 8 years I’ve never been happier. Not to mention a 7 year relationship in my 20’s. Every time it was hell in recovery but I pulled through in the belief that happiness does exist with the right person.

I acknowledge the above isn’t what you want to hear. Keep faith in yourself that sometime in the future life will be rewarding again, whatever the outcome.

Temember “absence SHOULD make the heart grow fonder”

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello Kchris06, I'm sorry about your current situation and it does hurt when this happens, and although you want to try everything possible, the question being asked is 'why didn't you do this before', that's what happened to me several times, with the added comment, 'you will only go back to how you were before'.

If you want to reconcile then this will require both of you, but only one person needs to forgive but also for you not to repeat why she left you, although you might not be told everything.

People have their reasons why but the extent may not be told, just take it slowly and good luck.

Geoff.

[Just Sara]

Hi Kchris and welcome to the forum;

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. It must be difficult feeling in limbo; sending kind thoughts your way.

From a woman's perspective, breaking up is a huge undertaking and would've come with plenty of mind numbing emotion/thought beforehand; it wouldn't have been an overnight decision for your wife.

However, the concerning aspect for me, is that you haven't mentioned how it's affected you as a husband and man. It must make you feel angry in some way or at the very least, disappointed but you haven't identified this as a response in your post. Not dealing with these types of feelings now may come back to affect your future relationship with her.

Anger in this situation is very normal under the circumstances. I'm not saying you 'should' be angry, I'm just suggesting you explore what's going on inside you apart from the hurt and panic.

The way she's responded so far looks to me as if she's 'off-the-hook' and won't have to apologise or be accountable for her actions. That's not healthy and could cause issues down the track. Humility goes a long way...

As for things you can do to lure her back into your life; active listening skills are needed to allow her space to vent or talk about the why's and where her head's at. Women need to talk, it's just who we are.

When allowed to do this we find answers in seemingly futile banter which has the power of self discovery and self realisation. For a woman, these things bring a deeper understanding of what is and what lies ahead.

Btw, well timed 'relevant' questions, short reassuring comments and a kind smile will be more effective than trying to fix things. (as men often do) If you want to express your hurt feelings, a simple facial gesture will be picked up in an instant. This is a woman's gift.

It might be an idea to speak with your sons about their take on the situation too. They may be internalising their feelings and opinions. The same communication skills will go far with them as well.

I hope I've offered something of value to help you move forward. Sorry for the long post...

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[Kchris06]

That was very helpful Sez and I’ll practice the patience and active listening.

I like the long post because it’s insightful and I’ll probably read it many times.

many thanks

if you think of anything else, please leave a reply.

[Kchris06]

Thank you White knight.
all received. I’ll take it on board

[Kchris06]

Thanks Geoff, I’ll be patient

go tigers

[Betternow]

Hi Kchris

I'm sorry to read of your marriage breakdown. After a long marriage, it's natural to feel a yearning to go back to the familiar. You have behaved very well, moving out, and allowing your wife plenty of space.

Nonetheless, I wouldn't be doing my job properly if I didn't express my concerns to you. I agree with Sez, I'm not convinced your emotional response to your wife's infidelity is healthy. Where is your disappointment? Where is your outrage and anger?

I don't mean destructive anger but a normal response to betrayal. Why are you acting like the partner expected to show remorse and guilt when your wife cheated? The power dynamic in your relationship doesn't feel equal. I know you love your wife and want to reconcile but leaving her flowers is not going to do it. She needs to respect you as a starting point. Unfortunately, anything we feel we can get anytime for free tends to lose its value and I'm afraid this is your wife's attitude towards you.

Can I suggest you go no contact with your wife. Get your body healthy, fresh food and plenty of exercise. Make an appointment with a counsellor to help you understand what you want and why. The why question is most important. Until you can become a confident and decisive man who demands to be treated respectfully as an equal partner, you are likely to experience more disappointment and frustration.

[Guest_3256]

hi Kchris06.

I am sorry to hear that your wife was not treating you well by having an affair - that is such a bad thing to do to your partner. You definitely love her by the sounds of it and know that you can be together again....however....You need to be a little clever and try something totally different that will make her miss you so much. Think of something that might even bring back memories when you first got together. Like asking her to meet you at a restaurant that you first went too or maybe inviting her out in the car for a weekend drive where you both can stop off at cafes' or plan a picnic under the stars with a bit of bubbly. Flowers are very beautiful, if you have a little bit of money to splurge with, maybe buy her a bottle of perfume, one that she had when you first met.

Also, know that if you both do get back together, you both need to take action to make things different. The is no excuse for infidelity - it's bad behaviour and it's not to be tolerated. What ever the outcome is, you must put yourself first, look out for you and be the best version of yourself. Your Wife needs not too play around with others - she will need to see a professional to get over her impulses.