Broken heart 💔

[Over_thinker]

I discovered my husband open a tinder account a month ago. He says he did it as a friend at work told him how funny some of the bios and comments were. (Hubby favourite show is first dates)

When I first discover the tinder account and approached him, he said he only had it for a day and that he only looked at it for 5mins. But I knew that wasn’t true. He did eventually admit that he had it for longer but he still insists that he wasn’t on there to find anyone or communicate it was just to look at peoples funny bios.

How do I move from this and do I believe what he is telling me?

so confused 😢

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Its a difficult one. There is variations to how people would react. Some would split, others would laugh and everyone else in between.

Myself? I’d try to see the cause of why he joined up in the first place. Eg is my marriage got holes in it whereby he is dissatisfied? Eg romance? Love making? Emotional needs not met etc

So I’d treat it as a red flag that he isn’t happy regardless of his denials.

However I would also express calmly to him that I don’t believe his excuses. His reasons are unrealistic, marriage threatening and goes beyond your boundaries. when the topic comes up tell him you are disappointed and will take time to overcome it, but also tell him you love him and will try to fill his needs

Good luck.

TonyWK

[Betternow]

I’m sorry that you are dealing with this. One of the unfortunate side effects of the internet is that we now have a multitude new ways of cheating, and it’s impossible to monitor it completely.

I’m glad you copped onto his lie about having it only for 1 day and looking at it for five minutes, that was implausible.

If there have been no other signs in your marriage that have ever made you suspicious and overall the state of your marriage is solid, there is a chance he was overcome with curiosity and wanted to see what all the fuss is about. The problem is even if that were true, it could be the first step on a slippery slope.

I agree with white knight, use this incident as an opportunity to outline your boundaries. Make it clear that if anything like this happens again there will be serious consequences.

In the meantime, I would explore how satisfied is your husband with your marriage. Are there are long standing problems or resentments? Do you find yourselves arguing about the same things again and again?

If there are no major issues, this Tinder incident could blow over and be labelled as a careless, thoughtless immature impulse, that won’t happen again. I wish you well and feel free to post again.

[ecomama]

Hi Over thinker

I don't think you're overthinking this. It's a nightmare.

If he was only joined an online dating site to look at people's bios for a laugh then why not share this with you and JOIN together?

Ofcourse he's lying.

This is a huge red flag for cheating.

So many people want to blame the betrayed spouse. Most of the time the simple truth is that the cheater WANTED to cheat so did. This is your confusion.... his words don't match his actions.

An honourable person who was committed to their marriage would discuss any issues they have.... and if no resolution to these issues was found or one person was still disgruntled for whatever reasons... end the marriage BEFORE seeking the intimate company of others.

Some cheaters are just "cake eaters". They want the marriage because they get A LOT of benefits they don't want to lose (extra income, getting their underwear washed etc) AND they want to have extra marital affairs also. I call these people selfish cowards or cake eaters.

That's my take on it all.
EM