Sense of lonliness as I've always been single

ChristineS · ‎16-02-2017

I'm in my mid 20s and I feel more alone then ever. I've seen my close friends from high school less and less, and only have a few other friends that I've kept in contact with. Besides that I've never been in a relationship, and given there's been a lot of pressure from relatives, I feel quite low as that has never been a real possibility for me. I don't know if it's been me not focusing on that so much until I start to see others in relationships, or just that I've dedicated most of my life to school and work. I know it sounds a bit silly to get worked up about this, but I often feel that I've lost out on something because I've always been single, or that I'm not worth anything because of that status. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Croix · ‎16-02-2017

Dear ChristineS

Thank you for posting and talking about yourself- it must seem pretty daunting to share details with strangers. You need not worry, all here have life experience one way or another and want to use it to help, where we can.

You sound a literate intelligent person with a fair degree of self knowledge, which is why I'm rather puzzled by what you said:

as that has never been a real possibility for me

I wonder why?

Basically if you want a relationship, unless there is more to it than you have said so far, you will have one. The trick is to have a good one. Not having had one so far is no big deal either way, you are as worthy as anyone. Any you will only have lost something if you rush and choose unwisely or unluckily.

Before we go any further my experience tells me that when I formed a relationship I wanted several things. I wanted to be in a relationship just because I did. I am unhappy outside one, all by myself. I.e. Lonely.

Secondly I wanted it to be with a particular person - not an idealized imaginary mate, but a real person I had met, seen, understood, and who had met, seen and understood me -all with great affection on both sides.

Third I had to believe I could offer them not just sex but care, consideration, patience, understanding. Just as importantly I had to believe they were capable and really wanted to offer the same to me.

Let's clear out some unnecessary bits and pieces. Pressure from relatives, friends from high school getting out of contact. Of no real importance in this instance. Mid-twenties - well that's not a problem, no really it isn't.

If you have a couple of friends that you are in regular contact with that's pretty good -in my experience anyway.

Dedicating your thoughts and interests to school and work? Again if you have such interests your life is fuller, they are an asset.

What does all that leave- making contact with the right person, then not rushing and let your inner feelings - your antenna if you like - be your guide, despite a temptation to rush in.

How to meet- ask someone younger, I used the newspaper and put in an open letter addressed to the one I wanted to meet. I got lots of replies and after a false start met my current wife of 20+ years.

You have my best wishes

Croix

Nervybella · ‎16-02-2017

Hi Christine,

I too am in my twenties and have never been in a relationship, never even close in fact. For a long time (during high school) it didn't bother me because all my closest friends were single too. However over the past year two of my best friends have entered their first relationship.

To say I felt left out is an understatement. All of a sudden they were going on double dates and doing cute "couple" things that I couldn't be a part of.

for me it is definitely my shyness that has gotten in the way, I also think that because I come from a family of mainly females (lots of aunts and female cousins etc) I am not very good at talking to boys. Sounds silly doesn't it?! Haha

Anyway sometimes when I get into a bit of a slump I just think of all the positives...I, personally, enjoy quality time on my own...easy when you're single! I can travel, I can spend a lot of time with my girlfriends etc etc. perhaps you could try and write a list of all the good things that come from being single?

Hope some of this comforts you in some way 🙂

Bella

SubduedBlues · ‎16-02-2017

Hi Christine, welcome to BB.

Though I had some very good friendships in HS, even with people of the opposite gender, I really didn't have a serious romantic relationship until my early to mid 20's. It's not that I didn't want one, it's more that I wasn't looking for one. Sure, I felt pressure from friends and reli's to get a fulltime GF, but I wasn't about to go hookup with someone just to appease them.

Whether or not we engage in an active romantic relationship with someone is a personal thing, it's no ones business but our own. Just tell whomever is pressuring you that you'll get involved with someone when the time is right for you and when you meet the right person. In the mean time, you're just happy being you. (even if you're not completely happy being alone, if they think you are then the pressure to hookup drops away).

Also, I find that when we look for a romantic relationship, we look for the person that matches our ideals. But, if we stop looking, and just be open to opportunities, then opportunities present themselves. Even if they are not perfect, even if they are not what I am looking for, even if....whatever, I still go out with them. As they have single friends, who have single friends, and I get opened up to many more opportunities.

Allegedly only about 1 out of a hundred are good enough to become a romantic partner. So the quicker I get through that 99, the sooner I will find the 1.

Well, that's my view on the matter.

SB

ChristineS · ‎17-02-2017

Thank you all so very much! You've provided much needed advice and it's greatly appreciated. It's certainly starting to make me a feel a bit more optimistic. 🙂