Self-doubt affecting an otherwise perfect relationship

[tiayaya]

Hi,

I'm 22, diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety and Panic Disorder. I have a few issues that I have been trying to work out with my partner of 3 years as I want to be a better person and girlfriend. Because we know that I have deep seated issues with the unknown and 'grey areas' type things, we are very open and talk through anything that might worry us. I've been medicated and going to therapy for 2 years now and I am much better than I used to be - especially in regards to the intensity and frequency of panic attacks. That said, I am still quite an overwhelming person to be with, especially because my self-esteem is (always has been) pretty fragile.

I personally am feeling better but about 6 months ago, my partner informed me he was feeling stressed out and overwhelmed himself by his own (family and work) life, and having to act as my carer more often than not was getting to him a bit. Hence why I'm looking to better myself in more practical terms regarding my self-doubt and self-esteem issues. He is seeing a counsellor that seems to believe we're not a healthy, durable relationship. I beg to differ, as we both are committed to the hard work that is dating mentally ill people, for the good and the bad. That said, it has brought up doubts that maybe I doomed this relationship because of my illness. I can't help but feel he's better off without me and I ended up needing constant reassurance.

I am drawing out plans to deal with my own issues without putting too much pressure or responsibility on him. I'm finding it super hard to be respectful of his boundaries while in my head I am screaming with self-doubt and a million questions. Even when I'm trying to control my intrusive thoughts and obsessive questioning, I end up NEEDING to ask him 'do you still love me', 'am I still worth it', 'are you sure you wouldn't rather someone else' about 5 times a day (and that's on a good day).

How do I get out of this constant need to hear that he loves me, and is committed? My rational self knows that he does but the slight chance that he might not drives me insane. I would want to continue blurting out my insecurities all the time on him, I know that's not fair nor healthy. But I honestly can't help the urge to ask for reassurance, like ALL THE TIME.

I proposed that maybe he writes me a short letter of reassurance to keep (my love language is words of reassurance); his counsellor is adamant that it's a bad idea and actually an unhealthy approach.

[Guest_7403]

You just need to take a breathe and before messaging him ask yourself;

Is this a rational or irrational question

If it's irrational try and give it 5 minutes to let the feeling of needing reassurance pass

You know you can do it

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi tiayaya,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for joining us! I'm glad that you're here and appreciate you opening up.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Even though I'm glad that you're seeing a counsellor it sounds like it's kinda difficult when you're seeing one and getting their perspective, getting your partners perspective and his counsellors perspective - that sounds like a lot to take in!

So with that said I'm going to try not to add to much to the pot; I feel like it could get overwhelming kind of quickly! So I'll just try and answer your question about "how do I get out of this constant need to hear that he loves me, and is committed".

You can't. I'm sorry. I know and it sucks. I've gone through and am going through the exact same thing. I can ask a thousand times a day 'do you still love me', the answer can be yes, but there's always that little inkling that that answer might be no.

The really scary part is that we don't know if or when that might ever happen. That has been the hardest thing for me personally to wrap my head around - that sometimes people stop loving you no matter how hard you try. If your partner did stop loving you (and that would be awful), it's going to hurt - but it's going to hurt anyway regardless of how many times you ask or get that reassurance. As much as you want to protect yourself (I totally get that) getting hurt is always going to be something we risk doing when we choose to be in a relationship.

The way I personally see it, right now you - and your partner are okay. It's obvious that he cares so much about you by his commitment to you and going to therapy. He's giving you that reassurance. He loves you. Right now, that's okay.

If for some reason, you and your partner weren't okay - you would still be okay. You would still be enough. You would still be worth it and you would still be worth loving.

I hope this helps a little,

[tiayaya]

Thank you both for replying to my post.

All of this does make sense and I guess I have to work on not being so affected by uncertainty since it's always going to be there to a certain extent anyway. I will try to incorporate all your advice and try to even just reassure myself that on a day to day basis, I'm okay, he's okay, and to hold off on the urge to constantly message and question him haha. long way to go! but i'm trying!

thanks everyone,

[Doolhof]

Hi tiayaya,

I suffer from BPD, depression and anxiety. It can be quite a combination. Throw in self-doubts, low self-esteem and you have for some interesting thoughts going around in your head!

Over time, I have tried to find different ways to feel good about being who I am and where I am.

Some days I go out by myself and no matter how much I want to just return home, jump into bed and cry, I force myself to do what I first planned to do.

I might go to a café for a coffee, go to the movies, visit an art gallery or museum or walk along the beach. It helps me to realise I can do things for myself as well as be with my husband.

My husband has Asperger's so we have an "interesting" way of communicating with each other some days. I need him and he pushes me away. Somehow we make it work.

My hope is that you can tell yourself what you have written yourself, that you are okay and he is okay, and hopefully that will be the case.

Cheers to you from Dools