Scared of my ex and missing my kids

[Toni_Hall]

My ex partner has a long history of being angry. He holds me completely at fault for our relationship breakdown three years ago, and has aggressively sought to alienate me from our kids, to the extent that my teenage daughter stopped coming to stay here after he claimed that I had an affair whilst we were still together. She sent me horrible, hate filled messages for a long time. Of late, she has sneaked over a few times and we've chatted about all sorts of things, but tonight she has suddenly told me she can't see me again. My 10 y.o. son (who still comes, despite being withheld apparently of his own free will) and I still have lots of time together, and have a lot of quality time whenever we can, but I do notice some things coming through in his behaviour - the first day or two back he talks to me like I'm dirt, and most of the time I have to be very careful about my approach to talking about anything he has done wrong, as he immediately tells me that it is my fault and becomes very angry and/or distressed in seconds, like a switch has been flipped. I can't even frown in his presence or breathe incorrectly, as he'll take it as a sign of anger from me and become defensive. I have no other support, no outlet for discussion, and am constantly working hard to avoid conflict with my reactive ex, and to support our kids without setting him off, giving them free passes to behave badly, or lose my (great) job because of the unreasonable demands my ex makes (if he has his way, he'll move my son to a third school in three years). He has the marital home and all of the resources, and despite custody and financial agreements, continues to do what he likes, when he likes. I have long given up aspirations of making this work ad a co-parent situation, and I'm now just trying to survive and do the best I can for our kids, whilst he manipulates my world and theirs at his whim. I feel so lost. I've been speaking with a social worker for 6 months, but she can't be here 24/7, and I can't keepholding this in. I know I'm doing everything I can, and I'm doing it the right way, but I'm exhausted. I can't take the kids away, because they will hate me for doing it - they love him, and he's done a great job of holding them emotionally captive. All I want is to have my time with them and not have to worry that he'll destroy them or my relationship with them over his need to be seen as a victim.

[therising]

Hi Toni_Hall

You really are doing an amazing job under the circumstances. Having an advocate, regarding your son's challenges at school, is a brilliant move (someone who understands kids, the school system, how to negotiate, how to confidently speak up, support you and your son and more). Unless we know how the system works, it can all definitely be a challenge. I have a brilliant student advocate and study guide that I employed to help my son, who's in year 12 this year. While he struggles academically, he's also faced challenges presented by other students in the past (a depressing level of bullying/mental abuse), which has led to school being one of his least favourite places over time. School can be such an intensely challenging place for a variety of reasons and to have an advocate is not just great support for our child but for us too.

Employing an advocate is such a proactive thing. While it sounds like your ex is highly reactive, do you think his personality has rubbed off on your son a bit? Could part of the problem at school be due to your son's reactive nature towards other students, as opposed to proactively managing other students' behaviour towards him. Has his father taught him to be reactive? While my husband's advice regarding bullying/mental abuse was often 'Just hit 'em' (definitely reactive), my son and I would roll our eyes as I explained to my husband 'That's not in his nature, yet it is in his nature to manage them in different ways. Our challenge is to help him find those ways'. Btw, he found those ways which have led him to a skill set for life. Are you managing to gradually get to the bottom of certain challenges your son faces at school, through speaking with him, the school, the advocate etc (getting the whole story from everyone)?

When it comes to your daughter, who knows what your ex is putting in her head. For example, if you're spending a fair amount of time trying to resolve issues for your son (completely understandable), he could be reinforcing things in your daughter's head like 'You're right, your mother only cares about your brother', as opposed to 'Your brother's challenges are high priority at the moment and this doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you'. Could he be leading her to feel rejected? If so, he's a highly questionable leader.

I think it's easy to be a good mum when everything's going swimmingly. It's so incredibly hard when there are saboteurs in the mix.