Saving My Marriage

[CrazyInLove]

Hi there, I have been with my husband for 13 years and he has been distant and detached for a few months now. We have tried to talk a couple of times, but he only opened up a little bit.

Last night he came from work and told me he needed to find his identity and stability, and that he doesn’t really see a future with me. We openly talked for hours and cleared up so many misunderstandings that happened over the years, but he is telling me it is too late. I thought I was doing my best to always support him through some very challenging times, but he thought that was making him feel dependent and worth even less, and feeling down because he is unable to support us, and I should be with someone else. 

I have always been the main income earner and comfortable with that, while he has changed a few careers and worked mostly at entry level, and he is still working out what he wants to do, but now feels extremely bad about not being financially stable and able to support us. He has supported us in many other ways which I often tell them and thank him for it.

He has always wanted kids. In the past I did not want children which has changed recently. I felt so insecure financially and with work for years, and now I’ve been quietly hoping it is finally the time, have even saved up to be able to take time off work, and have been trying to find a good time to talk to him about it in the past few months, but the time never came.

He has struggled with finding his feet over the years, from being a teenager through to now, but things have never reached this level.

I love him so very much and I am so committed to do whatever it takes to be there for him and with him. I suggested we talk to a third party to work it out, but he is not willing to speak to anyone.

After hours of talking last night and telling me that he wanted to work on himself, loved me, but felt like there was no future, he still came to sleep in our bed but did not touch me. This morning he told me he felt the same, but wanted us both to stay in the house and share responsibilities while he wants to work on himself, find out what he likes to do, find a better job and start contributing to the bills, and see how he feels later and then maybe there is a chance to work on our relationship.

We are booked to visit our families overseas next month, but he told me he is no longer going and I should go alone.

I have no idea what to do. I love him so much.

I'd appreciate any experiences and opinions you have. Thank you.

[therising]

Hi CrazyInLove

I feel for you so deeply as you struggle through a period in your husband's life and the relationship you share together. I imagine you may be experiencing elements of heartache, with your husband having expressed his feelings and uncertainty openly with you.

'Who am I really? Where am I heading? What is my purpose? Why am I here? Why do I feel the way I do?' and more can be liberating questions, depressing questions or philosophical questions, all depending on the way we look at them. Whether we're searching for a psychological sense of identity or a soulful sense of self (or a bit of a combo), the desperate need for change becomes the focus. Whether we begin to make significant changes with our partner or separate from them, I think depends on how we want to be raised. 

As a 54yo gal, I've found that being raised by people can be a bit of a Goldilocks experience. You gotta get a feel for who you naturally are and what you naturally love. For example, someone could raise us to channel 'the party goer' in us but we discover 'No, that's no longer who I naturally am'. Then again, they could raise us to tap into 'the kayaker' in us, leading us to fall in love with the feeling of peacefully rowing on a calm glistening lake, with gentle breezes bringing us to life in the middle of nature. Perhaps someone could raise us through gifting us a new stereo (with good quality speakers) while insisting 'Dance like no one's watching', which brings the dance maniac in us to life, as we fling our self around the lounge room when no one's home. Let's say we're born with 100 different facets, all waiting to be brought to life in one way or another. Our partner may raise those facets in us, for us to meet with, and then we could say 'I love the kayaker in me, I love the dance maniac in me, I love the visionary in me, the adventurer in me (that thrives on specific kinds of adventures)' and the list goes on. We are raised to fall in love with parts of our self we never knew existed until we met with them. It is a chance to fully fall in love with our self. I should add, there will always be parts of our self we struggle with or are not a fan of, such as our 'inner critic'. It can be a mongrel to manage at times, that's for sure.

You may find that once your husband begins to find aspects or facets of himself that bring him a strong sense of identity, a sense of joy, fulfillment etc, he may be ready to bring the father in him to life. And that is a whole other story. As a mum to a 22yo daughter and 19yo son, I have to say that it has been my 2 kids who have raised me the most, though challenges, some depressing times, inspirational moments, key revelations, laughter, adventure and more.

Btw, if your husband is a deeply feeling person, he will feel the things that raise him and the things that don't. For example, if he's always dreamed of becoming a photographer, he will feel what a new camera feels like. It will feel like an opportunity to develop himself, not just develop photos.

[CrazyInLove]

@the rising, thank you so much for taking time to write this. A lot of things are making sense.

I just don't know what to do now, how to act around him.

Yesterday he told me his plan to find a more stable job and start contributing to the household, but at the same time said that meant working on himself, not the relationship. 

Today, he was messaging me regularly with updates on his day. I don't know if he is doing it because he cares, or out of a habit, or to not hurt me more.

I don't know if I should just take a step back and give him time... I love him dearly and keep hoping he would hug and kiss me when he comes home like he used to, and that things would work out. I never knew I could feel so hopeless.

[therising]

Hi CrazyInLove

It sounds like he's being open with communication. Could be about asking him what he wants to talk about or needs to talk about. I think it's fair that you should also have the opportunity to be open about what you want or need to communicate. I suppose it's about talking each other through this time in your marriage. 

It's definitely hard when it comes to times where our marriage vows are seriously tested. When they are being seriously tested, 'For better or worse', 'For richer or poorer', 'In sickness and in health' can take on new meanings. While (on they day we're married) it's easy to imagine and be excited about the best of times. What we can never imagine is the worst of times and how we're going to get through those. So, when the worst of times come, we realise how ill prepared we are for them. While we may imagine we can make it through just about any financial struggle, no one really prepares us for the complete opposite of richness in spirit. How do we manage, together, what feel like potentially soul destroying challenges? And while 'In sickness and in health' may conjure up images of us doting over our spouse when they're physically ill, mental health is an entirely different ball game. While I've faced challenges in my own marriage, over the past 22 years, I was never prepared for the toughest of challenges. The toughest ones can be so incredibly emotional and so unbelievably confusing. Some can even be depressing and anxiety inducing to various degrees. The toughest of challenges will even test the strongest of marriages. I think the ultimate challenge comes down to talking each other through the challenges, which can involve the friendship element of the relationship. In other words, how would really good friends talk to each other or talk each other through the challenges they face individually and together?

I think it would be fair to say to your husband 'I need you to talk me through the lack of hugging because I'm really struggling with it. I don't know how to manage it. Do you have any suggestions?'. Btw, while low oxytocin levels in post natal depression or depression in general can help explain a lack of love and bonding, low oxytocin levels in men (specifically) is quite interesting. While I'm a deeply soulful gal at heart, I love an education on how we mentally and physically or chemically tick. Self understanding is a rabbit hole adventure and investigation, that's for sure 🙂