Saving My Marriage

[CrazyInLove]

Hi there, I have been with my husband for 13 years and he has been distant and detached for a few months now. We have tried to talk a couple of times, but he only opened up a little bit.

Last night he came from work and told me he needed to find his identity and stability, and that he doesn’t really see a future with me. We openly talked for hours and cleared up so many misunderstandings that happened over the years, but he is telling me it is too late. I thought I was doing my best to always support him through some very challenging times, but he thought that was making him feel dependent and worth even less, and feeling down because he is unable to support us, and I should be with someone else. 

I have always been the main income earner and comfortable with that, while he has changed a few careers and worked mostly at entry level, and he is still working out what he wants to do, but now feels extremely bad about not being financially stable and able to support us. He has supported us in many other ways which I often tell them and thank him for it.

He has always wanted kids. In the past I did not want children which has changed recently. I felt so insecure financially and with work for years, and now I’ve been quietly hoping it is finally the time, have even saved up to be able to take time off work, and have been trying to find a good time to talk to him about it in the past few months, but the time never came.

He has struggled with finding his feet over the years, from being a teenager through to now, but things have never reached this level.

I love him so very much and I am so committed to do whatever it takes to be there for him and with him. I suggested we talk to a third party to work it out, but he is not willing to speak to anyone.

After hours of talking last night and telling me that he wanted to work on himself, loved me, but felt like there was no future, he still came to sleep in our bed but did not touch me. This morning he told me he felt the same, but wanted us both to stay in the house and share responsibilities while he wants to work on himself, find out what he likes to do, find a better job and start contributing to the bills, and see how he feels later and then maybe there is a chance to work on our relationship.

We are booked to visit our families overseas next month, but he told me he is no longer going and I should go alone.

I have no idea what to do. I love him so much.

I'd appreciate any experiences and opinions you have. Thank you.

[CrazyInLove]

Hi quirkywords,

Thank you for checking in.

I am nor doing very well but clinging to hope that things will turn out ok for our marriage with time, patience and the right approach.

My mind is clouded and all I can think of all day is this. My body has shut down and I can't eat. Sleep is also a luxury.

Going to work or doing anything else doesn't take my mind off things. I'm keeping busy and breaking down a lot, often crying uncontrolably. I have been in a very dark place a few times and have spoken to Lifeline... But in all this I am determined to keep fighting.

I light up when I see him come home. As much as spending time together in this changed environment is extremely hard I seem to just live for the moments we are together. I'm working on myself, my behaviours and my communication at the same time, trying to be more aware of how I affect him.

[therising]

Hi CrazyInLove

It sounds like you're both becoming incredibly conscious of yourselves, each other and the relationship you both share. It's amazing how easy it can be to lose awareness in some ways. At some point it can be a matter of 'How did I/we develop some of these habits/ideas/beliefs/idiosyncrasies?'. I've found sometimes too that what can start as 'That's just me' or 'That's just him' can eventually become an issue. We can accept things in the beginning and even tolerate them until they become unacceptable or intolerable. All of a sudden (or so it seems) the words can come to mind 'I don't know how to live with myself anymore' or 'I don't know how to live with my partner anymore'. All this kind of stuff can creep up on us without us being fully conscious.

Perhaps the more open minded your husband becomes the more open he'll become to considering counselling of some nature or perhaps he'll become so open minded that revelations will naturally come to him and he'll find no need for external guidance. This is one of the ways intuition develops, through an open mind. For example, while he develops a greater level of consciousness in regard to his and your feelings, he may start to sense the sage in himself coming to life, a little voice that says 'You can sense she's upset, you need to talk to her'. So, he could have a therapist suggest greater levels of communication between the 2 of you or some wise and developing part of him. I've found another way intuition can develop involves prompting. This is more along the lines of 'If you were to meet with the sage in you, what would it say in regard to this particular challenge you face?'. This is where the imagination comes into play, a highly underutilised natural gift which can seem more like one hell of a curse at times, like when we're imagining the worst case scenario that leads us to anxiety or depression. While my sage is a cross between Dumbledore from Harry Potter and Gandalf from Lord of the Rings😅, in meditation (through an open mind and use of the imagination) this imagined sage has offered me some interesting revelations. What our sage looks like and where we meet with it, in our imagination, will be different for everyone. For someone else, it may appear as a zen master in a warm and colourful Buddhist temple on the top of a mountain in Tibet. That would be quite the meditation, indeed. Sometimes what makes a difference is found inside the square and sometimes it's outside the square.

[CrazyInLove]

@therising, Thank you ❤️

[therising]

I remain thinking of you and wishing for you a sense of clarity at one of the most stressful, upsetting and challenging times in your life. To say it's tough to manage one of the hardest time in our life, if not the hardest time, can be an enormous understatement  ❤️

[CrazyInLove]

Thank you for your support ❤️

[KindnessIsFree]

Hi CrazyInLove,

Please make self care a priority.  Don't forget that you count too. Look after yourself. Find things that bring you joy and happiness.  Wishing you all the best.  

[CrazyInLove]

@KidnessIsFree, thank you.