Rocket Science

Girl_Anachronism · ‎10-05-2014

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all.

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us.

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me.

Seven years of my life. Gone.

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/ This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

Bridge · ‎19-05-2014

well done for getting the emailing done, GA.

I hope its not Sydney too, in a car accident.

cross fingers.

and toes.

with yr tooth, theres stuff called bonjela which is for teething babies. it numbs the gums. cheap and it works apparently. you can buy it in the supermarket, usually in the baby aisle.

soup?

bloody hell! blanket sounds like a good place to be.

hope tomorrow is a bit better!

bridge

Neil_1 · ‎20-05-2014

Hi GA

Things are a real low ebb for you right now – and ain’t it crap that when you’re already feeling bad, other things/issues seem to find you and attach themselves to you as well.

I so hope that your toothache has cleared up – sometimes they can just appear kind of out of the blue – maybe when we’re low and stressed, something will raise its head to cause you pain. Otherwise, yeah, give bonjella a go – and who knows, maybe they’ve made it a bit more tasty than what it was, like 15 or so years ago – cause I always tried anything my kids had to have – just for curiosity sake – and I can tell you, bonjella was YUK.

This is just a short one to basically say “Hi” and also to say that I really did like your “List of three things to do” and if you manage them all – hey absolutely awesome; manage two of them, that’s great, manage one, still an achievement – manage none – ok, no worries, there’s always tomorrow, but praise be to those who managed to even write the list.

Kind regards

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎20-05-2014

Hi guys,

You know I wrotea post and ended it with the feeling that life was too hard. Then my tablet crapped itself. So here it is again, in shorter sentences because I can't be bothered going to all the effort only to lose it again.

Toothache gone but will probably need dentistry work soon as it is a recurring problem. No money at the moment.

Seizure early this morning.

Still no sign of Sydney.

GA

Bridge · ‎20-05-2014

well damn.

I was hoping there might be better news than that. Im sorry.

didn't know bonjella tasted crap. ive never used it. my teeth are insanely good. (brains fried and my backs stuffed, but my toothy pegs are just fine). well, maybe just keep it for a desperate occasion. neil, is it as bad as cod liver oil?

ms GA, for you tonight is a steaming cup of hot chocolate with 2 marshmellows and a great big hug. (echoc doesn't hurt teeth thankfully). come out from under the doona when you want to. go back again when you need to. no rush.

Bridge

Guest_3712 · ‎20-05-2014

Hi GA.

This is just too spooky ! I have been having toothaches on and off too! Talk about sympathy pains for each other. I wish that was all we had to worry about.

Keep the faith that Sydney will be back my friend and

Be kind to yourself

Stressless

Girl_Anachronism · ‎21-05-2014

No Sydney.

Have to deal with centrelink or I don't get paid bceause they failed to send a form out to me.

No hope.

No future.

Today is not a good day.

GA

Bridge · ‎22-05-2014

keep going GA.

hang in there.

get back under the doona and try again in a few hours.

dont give up. you can do this, you just need to hang on.

ive put quite a lot of whisky in this hot chocolate..

Girl_Anachronism · ‎22-05-2014

Hi Bridge,

Spent the day out of the doona today. Some progress made with therapy with my psych.ihave one last session with her next week (on my birthday). Then she goes on holiday and after that I am meant to be seeing the new psych at the new clinic, but his waiting list is quite long so I hope it isn't too long. My strength wavers from visit to visit.

I do have psychiatrist appointment booked for next friday, and the new OT on monday so I have other supports. Just another uncertainty I don't need.

I got centrelink mostly sorted. I'll be getting some money, though barely enough to live on. Still enough to get a prettier doona to hide under, one that is only mine and not one that is full of memories I don't need.

Stil no Sydney.

GA

Neil_1 · ‎23-05-2014

Hi GA

That’s great that you’ve got those forms done and will be at least getting a small something from Centrelink. Power to you for being able to get that achieved.

Hey, have you ever had to do a doona cover over the doona – I'm guessing that most people probably have done this - I had to do it a while back – bloody hell, what a sight that was – struggling with the damn cover and trying to get the ends into the corners whilst holding it up to shake down the actual doona – at one stage I think I was inside the damn thing, then lost my footing and fell over – managed to crawl out backwards and miraculously the doona didn’t come with me. It was “Neil and the Great Doona Wrestle”. I’m glad that I didn’t stand on the bed to do it – you know to try and lift the doona up off the ground better – cause if I’dve crashed down in that position, um it wouldn’t have been pretty. Not that what I did was pretty anyway, but at least it’s done. Oh the things we do!!

Ps: Bridge, fortunately I’ve never had to administer Cod Liver Oil to any member of our family and so I haven’t had the luxury of tasting that – I used the word “luxury” very loosely here.

Neil

Girl_Anachronism · ‎23-05-2014

Hi Neil,

I know that struggle all too well. Thats why I am replacing the doona with a comforter and mink blanket. All sewn up, no covers needed. I must say though my cat loves the lumpy parts of my doona. She can knead her claws right into it.

Speaking of cats, I have cleared it with my friend, and I am on the look out for a companion cat for Mayflower. She is just so lonely without Syd, she is one of these cats thatwhile she loves people, needs another cat around. I normally don't rush into it, but in my heart I feel Sydney isn't coming back. Not from the monsters in my head, though they have suggested that too. I feel it in my gut. If she does come back, in time then I 'll have three cats. And that is just fine.

It will have to be the right cat though, so I am not going to grab the next one I see. I know Mayflowers temperament and I know what will work with her.

GA