Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Neil_1]

Hi GA  

This is good.  Perhaps even better than good – because this is like you’re now commencing on a new quest.  And this is a GREAT quest.  Something that will help you enormously, both in the search but also with whatever dear cat you’ll find and be happy with – it will be a win-win situation all round. 

 For both you and Mayflower.  I’m just wondering, they sound like ship names that you’ve adorned to your previous cats – will the next one become “Endeavour” or “Sirius”;   hey maybe my favourite ship “The Black Pearl” – probably too much of a mouth full for a dear little kitty.  

How old is Mayflower?   Do you think she’d like a young playful bouncy kitten, or one that is a bit more ‘world-wise’??  

But as you say, you need to find the right cat though and it’s not like you’ll be rushing out to grab the first one you find. 

 Could be hard though – I believe when searching for houses, you can go and look at stacks and stacks of them – but choosing a pet is much more difficult – because for the most part, they all look so damn cute.  

I’m wishing you lots of luck and even, fun in your quest.  

Kind regards  

Neil

[Mares73]

Dear GA I just wanted to send my love & a big hug & to let you know I'm thinking of you each day. You are incredibly strong, courageous & despite your deep pain-its obvious your a real fighter & I hope this new path your on brings you peace & freedom in that you will be as be to make your own designs & enjoy exploring the many options you'll have once you are in a position to get your own place. Sending you love, hope & strength, Mares xxx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

The ship names were entirely a coincidence, named by people at the cat shelter but it is an interesting theme to run with, so if I rename my next kitty, I will have a look for a good ship name that suits. 

Mayflower is 18 months but still quite playful, so I was thinking of getting a similar age of cat, with similar temperament or getting a kitten. Sydney used to be the dominant one, so it will be interesting to see Mayflower be the dominant one. 

Mares,

As always, your support means so much when I know you are going through a very rough time yourself, with the commission. I am only doing what I can to survive. Some days are better than others, some days are worse. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA,

My Nuggzy (actually, I shouldn't say that - MY daughter's Nuggzy - see pic) is very interested to know - the pic that is underneath your name - is that Mayflower?

Neil

ps:  and even though she's asleep, don't worry, she's still heaps interested in knowing.

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi  Neil,

 Yes it is Mayflower. She was the runt of the litter so she has always been small and delicate. She has the personality of a lion. 🙂

My new blankets are so incredibly warm and comfy. My hair is now blurple. I am getting a cold. 😞

[geoff]

dear GA, god I hate changing my doona cover, because on one side of the bed I had to make some steps for when Tessie couldn't jump onto the bed because she hurt her back leg, and I think the vet didn't help at all, but here I am the elephant trying to manoeuvre around steps to change the sheet and then the bid challenge the doona cover.

What a list of horrors you are having, firstly with Sydney, then toochaches, centrelink and now a cold, not much more to make you feel miserable, but I hope that slowly one by one it starts to improve for you. L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Geoff, 

I certaintly wish life would stop kicking me, I could do with catching a break. Surely something has to go right eventually. Right?

I am just sad and hurting today. Things didn't seem to hurt so much. But I spent the night barely sleeping due to toothache and cold, so I am not strong at the moment. Today is the first quiz of the new course online I was going to do. I haven't even watched the lectures. I feel like a bit of a failure already. if I can't do this, how can I complete my degree?

I am not even the smart girl, the good student anymore. Who am I, if I am not her? Who am I, without the ex and my family, WHO AM I? 

I don't have an answer to that. 

I will be going to the BB event here in Perth later this afternoon, come hell or highwater. Even if I have to take the doona with me. 

GA

[Jo3]

Dear GA

I was thinking of you before.  I hope your toothache settles down and now a cold.  

It will be good for you if you can get down to the BB event, even for a little while.

GA, take your time with your degree, you can do it, I believe in you.

Hope your afternoon is okay.

Take care GA

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

Anxiety was high going to the event and while I was there, as expected really. However, the speaker was wonderful and I got to talk with both people from BB and fellow sufferers. Plus free food. 

When I got home more messages from the ex were waiting for me. Apparently he is asking friends how I am too. I don't know what game he is tryingnto play, but I just don't hage any emotions left for him to play with. It still triggered the grief over the relationship, and after I post this message I am going to curl up with some break up music and probably cry. 

I'd like to say sleep but I don't have any tablets for that. Anxiety is still screwing with me too, so I don't know if I will sleep tonight. Appointments this week with new people at the new clinic is fueling it further. 

Like I say often, sleep is for other people.

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, I would block his phone from being able to text you,, and if you are not sure how to do this go to your provider and they will do it for you, it really is a must to have no contact from him, plus I would also tell your friends not to mention his name nor to say that 'he is wondering on how you going', because the more he insists the more you won't be able to move on.

The other option is to change your sim card but check with your provider again.

'You are not the good student any more', but this has to take time to adjust, just like it would be for myself to pick up the books and study again, but with your ex still annoying you, then how can you concentrate, you can't, because you're always worried that he is going to text you, so I really hope that you can fix this. L Geoff. x