Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Bridge, 

Its a shame the message didn't make it through, but glitches happen I guess. If you didn't get an email, it must have been a glitch. 

You know coincidentally I do have cat flannellette pants. Got little white cat heads, beakers, nerdy glasses and all. chemistry cat pjs. I can't wear them at the moment, as washing was another thing I haven't done, along with call the legal service back. I forget so much these days, I just lose hours.

I am struggling with self-harm.  I don't know how I am going to get to Wednesday.  I can't be the person the kids think I am. I am glad tney don't know the real me. I don't like the real me. 

I don't know how to fix her. 

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

Thankyou for thinking of me. I am trying to stay strong, I really am. I just hope it will be enough.

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, don't worry I have been following your post and the replies from our friend Neil, because when your down then everything just jumps on board and kicks you in the guts and even the smallest problem does become an enormous one, which is of no fault of yours, but this damn disease.

Sorry GA but I will continue my post later as I have to go. L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Geoff, 

I look forward to your reply, when your hours allow you.

Neil - 

I have written a part one to the reply to the posted at Bridge, I reply to you. Apparently the moderator gods are taking their time considering it though, because I haven't even received an email. I guess I am just not even good at posting on here anymore. One more thing to go. Why am I still bothering? I don't know.

I have to go out and brave the anxiety and the outside world in order to get enough money to feed the kitties for the next week and a bit. At least anxiety makes a change from soul crushing melancholy, though not necessarily a better one. Then the anxiety of tonights party.

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, I'm so sorry that my hours of responding or replying to you and all the others, is so restricted, because it doesn't allow me the time to reply to so many people wanting help, so this puts me behind the 'eight ball'.

I just wish that these bikies had never ever assaulted me, especially from behind, but it's now done, and I can't turn back the clock, because the damage has been done. L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Geoff, 

Never apologise for your hours, or for anything. What happened happened, and you are dealing the best you can.  if it means odd hours, it means odd hours. As I have said before, it also means you are online at hours most of us are still sleeping, with the exceptions of insomniacs such as myself. Consider it the night shift, to the day shift, if this were a job. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Wow, a bloke doesn't log on for a while and wowee, the posts have rolled in - they've rolled in for you GA.  That's the wonderful effect you have on us.  We care for you so much - you mean so much to us, and that's why you're receiving so many responses.

That IS good that you're choosing to go to this party - no expectations, just go along and just see how long you can be there for.

Ok perhaps don't do the walk thing - glad you told me what could happen on such a walk - so we can rule that out.

Dear GA - I don't know if you've seen any of Jackson Pollock's paintings?   Well, actually I haven't either, BUT I did see the movie "Pollock" with Ed Harris starring as Jackson Pollock.  I mean, I could have splashed paint onto a canvass and done stuff like that - in fact, I think I did similar stuff at primary school.  But his paintings?  Worth a fortune.  So GA, splash the paint, swirl colours, mix it up and who knows, you could be creating another Blue Poles. 

You've got your big appointment coming up on Wednesday.  I've got a big one coming up on Tuesday.  So how 'bout, we aim for mine first - nah, bugga that, how bout we have Sunday first.  Then Monday is the day for the long weekend - praise the queen having another birthday.  🙂  And then we can move to Chews Day for my appointment.  AND THEN before you know it, Wednesday will be here - did you know it's the day "after" Choose Day.

And no, I'm not on the drink - in fact, I'm now creating a few DOG days through this month of June.

Bye for now my friend

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi GA

Just a quick post to say hi and hope you have a nice time at the party tonight.  I know how difficult it is for you to even leave your doona, but you are strong, GA.

Pls take care, pls  know that I am thinking of you - just don't have much to say at the moment - everyone else is saying some really great things to you at the moment.

Your friend

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

I am going, and I got a gift card and birthday card. But because of the quality of friend, not because I feel up to it. My anxiety is through the roof. I decided to drive myself and not stay over, so less alcohol which is a god thing for me.

At risk of getting further attention,

I have self harmed again tonight, but it was the only way to get the strength to go out. I guess the good thing about the divorce, is that I don't have to worry about seeing me less clothed, and see the scars. 

Not good news I know. But I don't know how else to get through this.

How often do you have your appointments Neil? It doesn't seem to be that often. Which I guess is a good sign, right?

GA

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[Jo3]

Oh GA

It sounds like things are getting worse for you, is it possible that you can call the support line number and talk to someone, or even Lifeline?

GA, I wish I could be there for you, I hate reading that you are in so much pain and have self harmed again tonight.

I am worried about you so much, pls take care, I will come back on tomorrow morning to see how you are

Jo xx