Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

Today is not a good day. Hell, today is terrible. 

I tried calling legal hotlines today regarding his demands but bottom line is he hasn't made official demands yet as they aren't in writing. I have to call back tomorrow for an appointment in july with a lawyer who will give me some advice. 

As for the psychiatrist appointment saga, my calling to ask for one not at school

picj up hours led to them rescheduling for three weeks from now, at school pick up hours. So I am not going to bother changing it, whats the point, theyll just push it back another few weeks at a more inconvenient time. Still no word on psychologist appointment. It could be months. 

I just struggle to care. Why should I care? All I do is get hurt, or rejected. Why bother having7ng friends? Why bother at all?

G, my friend with cancer is having her operation tomorrow. She is too busy with scans to visit today. She will be out of it for a couple days following the procedure. So no visit til later in the week, if this week at all. 

I can't fight the monsters today, at all. I haven't showered, ate, or even changed out of my pyjamas. I am just goijg to slide back under the doona amd not come out. Not til my appointment in three weeks, months or whenever they feel like seeing me. Maybe not even then. 

GA

[Neil_1]

GA,

Just a wee little hint for when you DO slide back out from under the doona and head off to your appointment in 3 weeks time - make sure you ........................... CHANGE OUTTA YOUR JARMIES !!!  :))))   :)))))   :)))))   Dat's me laughing a lot;   not Neil with double or triple chin!

Ok, so it's Chews Day today - G's op is on Wednesday - that gives Wed, Thurs,(sorry counting out loud here), damn, I've forgotten where I was up too - see a bloke really can only do one thing.

One thing?  One what?????   Ohhhhhhh yeaaaahhhhhh riiiiiigggggghhhhhhtttttt.  Said in the same words as Kronk out of The Emperor's New Groove.  If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favour and hire it out.  It's awesome, even if it a wee kiddie's movie.  Kronk is the best.   If you have seen it, then chances are you'll be able to do the voice in your head.

Which really is an interesting thought isn't it - when a female does a voice in her head of, let's so, oh I don't know some one like .... "Kronk" from T.E.N.G. (what a cool way of writing the abbreviated version of that movie), can the female in question actually make Kronk's voice sound like his own voice - even though you'd be doing it within your own head.

Now that's perhaps a thread to start up all of its own - or all on its own.  I guess it depends on where you were bought up.  Me, I was bought up the son of a farmer - oh dear, now just look at me, digressing away from the situation, which is YOUR thread GA.

As Arnie would say, "I'll be back".

Neil

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

I peep my head around the corner, hoping not to get a rolling pin thrown in my direction!    The above post was written in a whimsical and jolly manner on the pure and one issue in mind - to get your mind off things, even for 35 seconds or however long it took you to read that.  I do have another quick one (gee, I don't know even if you liked the stuff before, but I'm gonna give this a go).  When I was growing up, we lived on a farm.   Dad came to me one day and said, "Yesterday I saw a bloke taking our gate".  I said, "Really, that's not on - what did you do?"  Dad said, "Nothing".   I said, "Nothing - he was taking our gate, how could you say nothing".   Dad said:  "Well if he didnt' like what I said, he might've taken offence (taken a fence)".     Get it - you know, the gate, and then he might a take a fence - and yeah, I think it's time for me to be self imposed banned again for another hour.

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

I appreciate your attempt at levity. I appreciate you responding at all. I just wish I could laugh, or even smile. Nota reflection on your humour, it is just that my face feels almost frozen. I think I should react a certain way, or say something but it is too much effort.  The mere thought of speaking out loud, about anything, to anyone, exhausts me. 

I have an OT appointment tomorrow. I half expect to break down and be admitted.  I don't know what to hope for.  I don't have the effort to care what happens. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA  

Time now for seriousness. 

I do hope that your OT appointment goes well – if you’re able, I’d like to know how you got on?   Did you feel that some things were addressed?  

Also let me just add, that I really do hope that you actually attended – cause that would be an amazing feat, considering for how you’ve been feeling of late.  

Small, tiny steps GA – do you have a backyard where you’re staying at the moment?   Somewhere the two kitty’s can go and have a look around?    Is there somewhere nice where you can sit in the sun and just do nothin’?   You know, be outside in a comfortable place, as opposed to being under the doona?   Again, just a thought.  

Kind regards  

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

Thankyou for listening. It really helps.

The appointment was bad. I was a complete anxious mess, hyperventilating and crying. She did nothing to help and just got frustrated when I couldn't make decisions. I could barely speak, how the did you expect me to make decisions? The last time I got this bad they involuntarily admitted me. So at least I am at home. 

Otherwise she got in contact with  the clinic and tried to arrange a different appointment, but couldn't so suggested if I really needed one sooner than three weeks, she could try reinstate the previous one tomorrow. It is at the wrong hour, but I was beyond caring. I would walk there if I have to. It was an appointment, and tomorrow. I only had to hold on until tomorrow.

I scratched up the car majorly, trying to park through tears, which made me burst into tears when I got home as I borrowed it off the housemate, not having one of my own. They were cool about it, but I can't help but feel they are just not making the crazy person worse. I feel absolutely terrible. I never even hit a car before today. 

I also got a missed call from my new psych/case manager to say he had changed tomorrows appointment to one next wednesday at a different hour with a different psychiatrist. So now I have to hold on for a week. I know I have said before I will hide under the doona until the appointment. But now, it is a legitimate strategy to get through until then. Yay for a doctor who does morning appointments, but the short term disadvantage is a real worry for me. He caled me back and I explained why, I told him how bad today had been and how bad I had been in general lately. I also said that I didn't want to go to hospital, but I felt like I was close to the edge. He said he'd call back friday, after meeting with the treatment team and let me know what the decision was and if I would be getting an appointment with him any time soon. 

He is my case manager for the moment, but is going to change that as he is hard to contact at times and i need someone who is more contactable. Good to know somebody recognises how bad I am getting. This next week is going to be the toughest I have faced. 

Help.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

P.S: I am not outside, but I am on top of the doona and the sun is shining in the window. Is that good enough?

[Neil_1]

Holy smoke!   Where I am, it's dark and cold - hurry GA, get back under before the sun sets!!   WA with the two hour time difference initially freaked me out.  🙂

ps:   yes yes, that's very good enough.   Tomorrow, I want you to take the doona to the couch and do some loitering around the lounge room.  After that, well, we'll see.  🙂

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi Neil,  Thankyou for listening. It really helps. The appointment was bad. I was a complete anxious mess, hyperventilating and crying. She did nothing to help and just got frustrated when I couldn't make decisions. I could barely speak, how the did you expect me to make decisions? The last time I got this bad they involuntarily admitted me. So at least I am at home.    Otherwise she got in contact with  the clinic and tried to arrange a different appointment, but couldn't so suggested if I really needed one sooner than three weeks, she could try reinstate the previous one tomorrow. It is at the wrong hour, but I was beyond caring. I would walk there if I have to. It was an appointment, and tomorrow. I only had to hold on until tomorrow. I scratched up the car majorly, trying to park through tears, which made me burst into tears when I got home as I borrowed it off the housemate, not having one of my own. They were cool about it, but I can't help but feel they are just not making the crazy person worse. I feel absolutely terrible. I never even hit a car before today.  I also got a missed call from my new psych/case manager to say he had changed tomorrows appointment to one next wednesday at a different hour with a different psychiatrist. So now I have to hold on for a week. I know I have said before I will hide under the doona until the appointment. But now, it is a legitimate strategy to get through until then. Yay for a doctor who does morning appointments, but the short term disadvantage is a real worry for me. He caled me back and I explained why, I told him how bad today had been and how bad I had been in general lately. I also said that I didn't want to go to hospital, but I felt like I was close to the edge. He said he'd call back friday, after meeting with the treatment team and let me know what the decision was and if I would be getting an appointment with him any time soon.    He is my case manager for the moment, but is going to change that as he is hard to contact at times and i need someone who is more contactable. Good to know somebody recognises how bad I am getting. This next week is going to be the toughest I have faced.  Help. GA

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[Jo3]

Hi GA

Sorry, haven't been on here to read your posts lately.  But I am thinking of you and just want to say - GA pls stay strong, 

Jo xx