Rocket Science

[Girl_Anachronism]

It feels like rocket science would be simpler than life at the moment. No song lyrics, no quotes, just melancholy for you all. 

It feels like life is so hard. It has been a week since the separation from my husband. It feels like it has been two weeks, if not longer. Every day goes at different speeds, fast when I am anxious, or actually accomplishing things and then out of nowhere a great big wave of depression will come. It will hit me and i will stand there, unable to move. everything feels like pain. I'll go from cooing, if a little manic and shaking uncontrollably to crying.

Why does it have to hurt so much, at the end of a relationship? I don't even want to be with him, I don't even want to go back to him. Yet it hurts and another part of me says I still love him. Just waking up this morning, thinking about what to do, reminds me of the things we use to do to fill our weekends. It reminds me that relationship, that time, is over. I won't be doing those things again, with that same feeling of creating something bigger than the two of us. 

I guess I grieve not for him, but for what we had, what it could have been. When does it stop hurting? How can I get there now? I don't like existing right now, the pain comes in these inconsolable waves that paralyse me. 

Seven years of my life. Gone. 

GA

"So tired of the straight line/ And everywhere you turn there's vultures and thieves at your back/ Don't make no difference/ Escaping one last time/ it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh/  This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees"

Angel, Sarah Mclachlan

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo,

My birthday dinner went well enough. A bit of awkwardness with family, but I don 't know how to fix that. It was a mask kind of evening, though, and I was glad when I could take that mask off and curl up in a little ball.

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, Elsa is a beautiful name as my twins first grand daughter is called the same.

One thing is whether you have or not is to keep the messages he has sent you, because you might need them down the track, if they're gone then don't worry.

Are there any costs which you can send to him by authorised mail, but then you would have to down someone's address so he doesn't know where you live, maybe this might be difficult, however the person he contacts asking to see how you are could send them to him.

I wish I could only hope your girlfriend is able to come out from her aggressive cancer, but for it to come back so quickly, must be another daunting part of your life.

Well your new little 'fluff ball' at last a bit of joy, and to hear that purr and to see her making bread, a wonderful tear it would bring to your eyes. L Geoff. x

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Geoff, 

I just don't even know where to begin thinking about what to do with the ex. To pay him money is fairly simple, as we still have a joint account. I can just transfer money over, no contact necessary. 

I woke up at 4:30, unable to get back to sleep. I am just doubting myself, in everything. I feel like I won't ever be good at anything again. That I am just using people, like my father and wasting their time. I feel useless, worthless, the scum of the earth who destroys everything she touches. I feel selfish, immature but I am in so much pain and don't know how else to be. 

I don't think i can rebuild. I feel like the wreckage of a bomb site, smoking and covered in ash with the ruins of what used to be me, what used to be a functional person. A useful person. 

The thought of facing other people, of having to put on that mask and pretend I am something else, makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry. But I'll have to, because the children can't see this. I can't poison them with this. I can't make them ask questions that my friends will have to lie to answer. 

I don't want to go to hospital again. I really don't. I just don't want to be here either. I want to run, far away where no one knows me. I want to scream, and nefer stop screaming. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Dear GA

I writ you last night with a reasonably wordy kind of response.  I guess it's these long-ish ones that don't appear in the thread straight away.  It is a bit frustrating all the same, as when I send it, I really want you to read it straight away - as it's really NEEDED by you to read - for the support that you need and that I'm trying to give.

So please just know that there IS another one coming from me - addressing your 'ex', your little ball of joy, and your dear friend.

Cheers

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil, 

Yes I can block him on facebook. However he is going to want to contact me about legal matters and I figured it was better to give him an avenue to contact me rather than show up at my door, or demand my new phone number. He isn't on my friends list, so all he can do is view my profile picture and send me messages, which if I hadn't had previous conversations with, would go in a different inbox entirely. So yes I can block him, and delete the conversation. But I am not sure legally if it would be a smart thing to do. I want to keep the messages at least, in case I need them for legal purposes. 

Speaking of legal issues, I don't know where I would find a lawyer or legal advice for free. I can barely afford to live at the moment. So there's that. 

As for my little Elsa, she has settled into the house fairly well, though there is still a little hissing between her and Mayflower. They will get used to one another. She and  Syd were the same for a week or so. I have vet bills to pay for her this week too. 

When it comes to my friend, I don't know what else I can do. It is just so frustrating being unable to do anything. It is worse, with the monsters in my head whispering terrible things, while she is fighting to live.

I just don't know anymore. I don't have much strength these days. I don't know what to do. 

GA

[Jo3]

hi GA

just want to say i love your new Elsa. she is gorgeous!!

pls always take care,

your friend

jo

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo, 

She is beautiful. And she eats so much more then my Mayflower. I don't know where she puts it all. 

I need to go out and get cat supplies today, and I want to get out of the house. At the same time I feel like I might cry. Self doubt and anxiety everywere. I just can't fight my monsters off very strongly today. 

Neil - I forgot to add that yes, i didn't tel him about Syd. Which means he has been asking friends. I don't what the right thing is to do about that. Do I have a right to ask him to stop asking about me? My friends can choose to talk or no, that is there decision. I just have never been in this position. What is the societal norm?

So much uncertainty.  And no psychologist appointment for the forseeable future. Even the psychiatrist appointment is in flux due to them not getting back to me and giving me a time I told them I couldn't do. Everything is so hard.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA  

That’s funny about Elsa and her eating and her hopeful bonding with Mayflower.  They’ll get there in the end.  

Ok with regard to cat supplies – GA, it IS for your little ones that this is needed to be done.  You are their “mum” and they rely on you.  I’m sorry, I don’t want to put unnecessary pressure on you, but whatever the supplies it is they need, they DO need them. 

So please just think of who it’s for – and steel yourself for doing this shopping task, just for them.  Know the place that you have to go to – know exactly what you need – either have the appropriate amount of cash with you for what you need (or just use your card).   But yeah, it hopefully is a get there;    go in, locate items, pay for them, go out  and then head back home.  

I can’t answer why he’s obviously checking up on you.  May I ask with regard to the friends who are feeding him this information – obviously they were classed as joint friends of both you and he?  Yeah??   And it appears they are still that way.  That is difficult.  Unless, it’s say only one friend who is doing the relaying of information on to him.  But that’d be hard to possible decipher – or perhaps it might not be.  I still don’t like the way that he’s trying to find out what you’re up too, etc.

  Possibly two options – if you suspect who it might be that is giving him the info, then perhaps be careful on what you tell this person – so they won’t have any new news to pass on.  The other option, depending on how well you know and get on with them would be to say, “I know you’re still in touch and friends with X, would it be possible to not tell him whatever we talk about”.  

GA, I’m not so sure about any of those last two para’s I’ve written – perhaps the least quality of advice that I’ve ever given out – I’m sorry about that. 

 I could have simply deleted it and not tried, but nah, I’ve gotta give it a go and try – even if my end attempt was pretty lame.   And what’s worse is that I provided not even a smidge of humour!   Not good Neil.  I hereby banish you off Beyond Blue for at least 1 hour!   Starting – NOW.  

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil  

They were sitting closer today, Elsa and Mayflower. More staring, less growling. I did get cat supplies, though not everything. Either way I have food and litter for them for the next two weeks. I also got a collar for Elsa. Its the same shades of blue as the Disney characters dress. 

More messages from the ex. Saying I must pay rent now, not in 11 months time. Changing his tune again. I was meant to call a relationship hotline today but well...things happened. I gave in and drank some wine witb my housemates, while watching a tv show. I also bought some energy drinks. Bad I know, but this week is going to be hard, I can feel it. 

It is just not getting easier. 

As for the friend situation, damn near all my friends are mutual. So I really don't know who to approach about it. I don't have the right to demand people not talk to someone. Its their life and my mental problem. I just dont know how to fix me. If I did, maybe I wouldn't be single right now. 

GA

[Neil_1]

Keep fighting GA - well done on getting out yesterday and getting the supplies for your little ones.

You know I even thought, that Kimba might have almost got a guernsey for little Elsa - but Elsa it is, and her nickname can be "Born Free".  🙂  Which for all intents and purposes is a pretty good caption to live by.

I don't know what can be done about your ex and this ludicrous stuff of him asking you for money.  I don't get that at all - and unfortunately, I'm not at all equipped on how to best advise you there.  I only wish that I was.

Friends, schmends, who needs 'em.  Bugga them all I say, and that'll cut off any news getting through to him.  You've got us here;  you've got the lovely people you're staying with - and who knows, from that, there may be developments for making new bonds with some of their 'own' friends.  Just a thought.

I'm still here for you GA - as are a whole stack of us.

Neil